SportSquee

SportSiths: The Trial of Roger Clemens

2011-07-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

Roger Clemens, circa the Steroid Years

Nobody likes Roger Clemens. Nobody. He's reached a universal level of derision placing him on par with the likes of Barry Bonds, Lebron James, and, Katherine Heigl. And even though we here at SportSquee love to play devil's advocate, quite frankly, Clemens deserves the vitriol. Just to review his greatest hits, there was the time he threatened Hank Aaron, of all people; the callow jumping from team-to-team in search of a (hollow) World Series win; the time he tried to fight the angel Mike Piazza in the World Series; he was a Yankee; the Brett Favre-esque retiring and un-retiring; the revelation that he rubbed liniment on his genitals before games; the reputation as a headhunter; the troubled country singer-cum-concubine he started squiring when she was fifteen; and, of course, the steroids. Whether or not you see steroids as a scourge on America's pastime, there was something particularly tasteless about the brazen way Clemens (and Bonds) seemed to flaunt his use of the performance enhancer. If you'd already thought that Clemens was a surly jerk, the steroid use amplified his despicable image as much as it did his muscles. But Clemens is out of our hair now. He's out of baseball, probably living in retirement in some castle in South Florida, surrounded by his career hardware, trophy wife, and the crippling self-doubt of a once-touted talent in exile knowing he will never make the Hall of Fame for his sins. So long, Clemens. Sorry to know you.

Only, no.

Because Clemens is back in the headlines, on trial for...doing steroids? Or perjury? Or something. I'm not quite clear. But he's on trial. Your tax dollars are going towards the trial of Roger Clemens. Why isn't this just a baseball thing? Can't Bud Selig just sentence him to never being in the Hall of Fame and barring him from ever doing anything associated with professional baseball ever again or something? Because that would cost $0 tax dollars according to my calculation and it would get the point across. Yeah, Clemens ruined the purity of baseball and all that jazz. But is there anyone out there, even the most ardent Clemens-hater in the world, really crying out for justice in this matter? Can't we just forget about him and ignore him until he disappears? It worked for Paris Hilton. None of us acknowledge her existence any more and she's nothing but a pile of ash and melted viscose hair extensions somewhere in Malibu. I don't get why we're wasting this kind of time (and it's going to be a lot of time because everyone who has ever played baseball has been called to testify), money, and energy to sending this dude to jail for drugs that made his balls crawl up into his abdominal cavity and his fastball speed up by 10 mph. This is almost as dumb as when Plaxico Burress was sent to jail for nearly two years for shooting himself in the thigh. This is a waste. As much as we'd love to induct Roger Clemens into our official roster of SportSiths, this sham trial is going in instead.

Meanwhile, Casey Anthony is pondering what she's going to order at Red Robin on Saturday night.

A SportSquee Exclusive!: Our Interview with Roberto Luongo's Twin Brother

2011-06-16T09:17:00.001-07:00

So the Canucks lost the Stanley Cup Finals last night. Some other, American team won, if you can believe it (the Braves?). Disappointment was felt all over British Columbia from Tim Horton's to Harvey's, and hundreds of Canadians took to the streets for revenge. What's being reported as a riot was probably more like a bunch of people saying "excuse me" to each other and trying to light their Sedin jerseys on fire using Labatt's as an accelerant. (Fun fact: Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog and I were on a walk last night and saw some girl in a Daniel Sedin jersey that she had cut so that it hung off her shoulder, Jennifer Beals-style, and then Cindy took a whiz that nearly ran into the girl's sandals--an ominous sign if there ever was one.) As three of you may remember, I was in the Coove for 5 weeks last year, and was present for the Canada-US Gold Medal game. And I was there when thousands of cheering Canadians poured into the streets like it was V-J Day and marched in an orderly line pausing only for an occasional jaunt up a telephone pole or to jeer the Americans and their lack of socialized healthcare. What I'm saying is, this whole thing is probably (hopefully) being blown out of proportion. But the Canadians are mad. They are furious. And they have one man to blame: Umberto Luongo. Observing a marked lack of hair grease in cutaway shots during last night's broadcast, we realized immediately, that Roberto Luongo was not in goal. It was none other than Roberto Luongo's twin brother Umberto Luongo. SportSquee's crack team of investigators has tracked down the man at the center of a nation's heartbreak to find out just what went wrong with the Canucks-Cubs game. Here is a transcript of our interview.

(Editor's note: I just looked at the footage of the riots and I had no idea things got that real. Hopefully none of SportSquee's readers or loved ones were injured or terrified. On another note, rioters, how could you just let Bettman get away like that? He slipped right through your fingers!)

SportSquee: Thank you for sitting down with us, Umberto. I'm sure you're pretty upset today.

Umberto Luongo: I feel great actually. Went to bikram this morning, had an Eco Bar, watched back-to-back episodes of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. It's been a pretty good day so far.

SS: Yes, but after losing the game that badly, surely you must be at least a little ashamed.

UL: Nah.

SS: But hockey is Canada's national sport. And you lost to the Bears. Isn't that important to you?

UL: I prefer soccer, actually.

SS: Ugh. You're one of those?

UL: Mind if I change the music and put on the Arcade Fire? The Arcade Fire is a band. They're pretty obscure, but I love them. I'm always listening to them and Magnetic Fields. That's another band.

SS: Everyone listens to those bands.

UL: I'm always going off the grid like that. I'm just unique, I guess. I just can't stand "pop" music.

SS: Oh lord.

UL: Let me just retie my docksiders... and now we can continue with the interview.

SS: So you can confirm that you are Roberto Luongo's twin brother?

UL: Actually we're triplets. We have another brother, Norberto.

SS: And what does he do?

UL: He is a gastroenterologist. And he did the Italian translation of Everybody Poops.

SS: That's pretty cool. What is it that you do?

UL: (sips espresso) I'm a freelance tattoo designer and I'm working on my own microbrew.

SS: Interesting. So why were you in goal last night in place of your brother?

UL: Bobby had a small personal problem and asked me to fill in. He didn't think it would take as long to resolve as it did, unfortunately.

SS: A personal problem?

UL: Indeed, a personal problem.

SS: Could you describe the personal problem?

UL: You know, all a hockey player has is his health. That's all I'll say.

SS: Was it diarrhea again?

UL: We don't have to get into specifics.

SS: It was diarrhea, wasn't it?

UL: I don't feel comfortable saying.

SS: So. it was diarrhea. Again.

UL: (adjusts fedora)

SS: What did he eat?

UL: Bobby takes excellent care of himself. He always eats healthy. He had Fiber One for breakfast, with three oranges and a couple spoonfuls of olive oil.

SS: Does he put the olive oil in his hair?

UL: No. Well, yes. In his hair and he swallows some, too.

SS: (emails the tip to Simon Gagne)

UL: Then he had a pint of blueberries, a bag of baby carrots, some jalapenos, sun-dried tomatoes, a handful of flax seeds, a chorizo sausage on a stick with McIlhenny's, ten cups of coffee and a bran muffin. The guy is a machine.

SS: And you said your other brother is a gastroenterologist?

UL: That's Norby!

SS: And he can't do anything to help him?

UL: Norby doesn't really watch hockey, either. But he's a big Formula One fan.

SS: But can't he help with Roberto's recurrent trots?

UL: Oh, I suppose. But I don't think Bobby's ever asked him.

SS: At what point did you realize you would be in goal for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?

UL: Bobby called me from his bathroom--we had to install a phone there years ago--and said that he was having problems and he may need me to swap in for a few minutes. I was like, sure, whatever. I bet this will inspire some really good song lyrics for my band. Yeah, I have a band. It's like a cross between the Decembrists and the Avett Brothers. Those are other obscure bands that only I listen to.

SS: Yeah, yeah. You're a real snowflake. You were saying?

UL: So I get in there and, did you know, in hockey, they fling pucks at you if you're standing in the little cage? It's just like football. I'm sorry, soccer. I forgot you're American.

SS: Were you scared?

UL: I wasn't scared, per se... I feel that fear is something they teach you in organized religion. That's something masses believe. But I listen to Belle and Sebastian, so I'm not like other people.

SS: So you weren't scared?

UL: Maybe a little. Maybe like I might die. Like I might die and never hear another LCD Soundsystem song again. They're a...

SS: They're a band, yes. So you were scared?

UL: I was scared. But I figured, if I stayed in the net and just moved out of the puck's way, I wouldn't get hurt. So that's what I tried to do.

SS: Interesting. So your brother didn't give you any tips before he sent you out there?

UL: Not really. He just told me to try not to crap my pants. But that wouldn't happen. I only eat bananas and white rice. Cheese, occasionally.

SS: You should have been the hockey player, huh?

UL: Yeah, but then people wouldn't be able to see my tattoos. They're Japanese characters. Very unique.

SS: Have you spoken to Roberto today?

UL: He called me on the shitter phone earlier, he sounded pretty messed up. And then I told him how the game went.

SS: Do you think he regrets having you substitute for him?

UL: Maybe. We didn't talk that long. I'm going over to his place now to bring him some Kombucha.

SS: I don't think that will help him, Umberto.

UL: I got this shirt at a thrift store, you know. I'm not actually a gas station attendant for Esso named Chet.

SS: We get it.

UL: Have you ever been to Brooklyn? It's this place in New York...

SS: Okay, I think that's all we need to hear. I think we're done here.

UL: Or Portland? It's this place in Oregon.

SS: Is there anything else you'd like to let the people know?

UL: Yes. I'm wearing my mom's old golf pants ironically.

SS: (rips off Umberto's fedora and steps on it)

RIP Grace the Norfolk Terrier (2000-2011)

2011-06-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that this is the first post back from our extended hiatus... but I wanted to reach out to all of Grace the Norfolk Terrier's friends and fans to let you know that our girl has moved on to a land where the baby carrots flow like water and there is an exquisite selection of furniture to sit under and plot revenge. It was very sudden and devastating, but she is no longer in pain, either from cancer or quietly tolerating the human beings around her. Grace was a wonderful dog/walking teddy bear and she will be missed terribly by those that knew her or read her biting commentary on SportSquee.

Grace the Norfolk Terrier is survived by her parents, sisters, several nieces and nephews, and her adopted dog-daughter Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog, who adored her dog-mom and will be very confused on visits to her grandparents' house. In lieu of flowers, please hug the dog nearest to you and offer him or her a baby carrot in celebration of Grace the Norfolk Terrier's life.

The Girls Guide to Football: Atlanta Falcons

2010-07-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

Tony Gonzalez, America's second favorite vegetarian NFL player

A few years ago, as part of our craven attempts to usher the SportSquee readers into football fandom, we produced a series dissecting each team in the NFL. Since that time, and especially in the last six months, there have been major changes in the National Football League, necessitating a fresh look at guiding you toward your new favorite football team. Consider us the Match.com of fans and football teams.

Team: Atlanta Falcons
Division: NFC South
Famous For: Having a herpes-spreading, fight dog-killing quarterback
Headlining Alumni: Michael Vick
Quarterback(s): Matt Ryan

Why You Should Root For Them: Two years ago, the Falcons had fallen about as far as a team can fall. Their franchise QB was heading to jail, their coach hiked up his skirt and ran away to college football, and they just plain sucked. They brought in a new coach Mike Smith, drafted Boston College's Matt Ryan, and picked up LaDainian Tomlinson's back-up Michael Turner. Now let's be honest, two years ago, we were definitely not drinking the Matt Ryan Kool-Aid (losing $20 to my cousin on that bet), nor did we think this Michael Turner guy would do much of anything. However, the Falcons exploded out of the gate, becoming one of the happier stories of the season until they lost in the Wild Card game. Ryan looked like a patient vet, Turner led the league in rushing, and Coach Smith looked like a genius. Also, they uncovered great receviers in Roddy White (who you can think of as a Muppet Babies version of Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Jenkins, and then they grabbed Tony Gonzalez from the Chiefs. So, between the relentless running game and the receiving threats, this is a pretty balanced offense. The 2009 Falcons weren't nearly as successful as they were in Ryan's rookie year, but this is still a team with growth potential. You may want to catch them on the way up. Also, their owner, Arthur Blank, always looks like he just hopped off stage from a community theatre production of Guy and Dolls. Love it.

Why You Shouldn't Root For Them : The Falcons no longer employ SportSquee's Favorite Person Alive Warrick Dunn. So, there's that. Also, if you still have malingering feelings about Ron Mexico's Kennel of Death, then, I'm sure the Falcons (and the Eagles) are not for you.

Potential Boyfriends: Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez, Warrick Dunn forever!

The Girls Guide to Football: Arizona Cardinals

2010-07-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

Larry Fitzgerald would like to argue against the use of sleeves in football

Team: Arizona Cardinals

Divison: NFC West

Famous For: Almost pulling off a miracle comeback vs the Steelers in the Super Bowl, before Santonio Holmes yanked that miracle out of the sky, tucked it, and kept his toes in bound.

Headlining Alumni: Rod Tidwell

Quarterback(s): Derek Anderson, Matt Leinart, some kids

Why You Should Root For Them: Well, firstly, wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. Watching him play is a plain old treat. He doesn't just catch the ball, he leaps, dives, twists, pirhouettes, jetes, and pas de chats his way around the football field. Also, hot. Needs to be said. If you like a big air game, Arizona should be a natural fit. They rarely run the ball and are stacked at wide receiver with Fitzgerald, Steve Breaston, and Early Doucet. The Cardinals are the Little Team That Could in a lot of ways. They toiled on the edge of obscurity in the NFL's worst division. Seriously, the most famous player to don the Cards jersey, was a fictional wide receiver played by Cuba Gooding Jr. But the Cardinals quietly became pretty good. They drafted Matt Leinart out of USC and brought in the NFL's own Lazarus, Kurt Warner for veteran support. Leinart never developed into the franchise guy they hoped he would (though, admittedly, there is still time) but Warner showed up in a big way. His arm was still as fiery and accurate as ever, and he had stellar targets in Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. The three led the Cards to one of the more exciting Super Bowl games in recent memory. Although this season marks many changes and a return to possible limbo for the team, the turnaround makes it far more palatable to root for them, knowing that they have potential to turn things around. Plus, they boast one of the nicest stadiums in the country, with a natural grass field that slides in and out of the stadium. And it's just a ten minute drive from this bodega that serves the best burritos I've ever had. Definitely worth the road trip. The Cardinals have several likable dudes including religious studies major RB Tim Hightower, scary DT Darnell Dockett, and bruising, fumble-prone Beanie Wells. And they have some amazing names, too. Speedy cornerback with a name that sounds like a a tough-as-nails corporate matriarch on Dynasty, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. And a running back/returner who sounds like he churns out gothic-tinged horror novels in LaRod Stephens-Howling.

Why You Shouldn't Root For Them: The Cardinals of this season are going to look very different than the Cardinals of last season. Gone are Anquan Boldin (to the Ravens), Karlos Dansby (to the stupid Dolphins), and Kurt Warner (to a mercifully quiet retirement--ahem, Favre). And coming in are former Jets favorites Kerry Rhodes and Alan Faneca, Steelers legend and bare midriff champion Joey Porter, and one of the sacrificial lambs of the Cleveland Browns, Derek Anderson. Leinart and Anderson will presumably compete in camp for the starting job. And it's anyone's guess as to who is going to get the gig (though, we guess Leinart). When Leinart did start, he was perfectly cromulent until felled by injuries. Anderson was a revelation a few years ago with the Browns (prompting SportSquee to give him a ringing endorsement as a player to watch, which we are too embarrassed to link to now) and then things got really shitty. It's hard to tell if Anderson sucked or if it was the collective ineptitude of the Browns as a whole (because there was a lot of ineptitude). But Leinart has never acheived the highs that Anderson did, but he also never experienced the lows. The quarterback issue will be a real question mark going into the season, especially for a team built around a lot of passing. That level of uncertainty may be enough to turn you off to the Cardinals altogether.

Potential Boyfriends: Larry Fitzgerald, Kerry Rhodes, Steve Breaston

Game Day with Margee: USA vs Slovenia

2010-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

You're lucky I've agreed to love you, Landon Donovan.

That itchiness you've been feeling? A general malaise for work? An unusual desire to sit still for 100 minute stretches with few breaks and even less action? All symptoms of World Cup Fever. I have it. You have it. And if you don't, you're a terrible person, according to what the pretentious twat I sat next to at the bar last night told me. Apparently, enjoying soccer frees one of the label "Ugly American." The game of soccer, apparently, is too complicated for puny American brains, we can't appreciate the nuances. After all, there is one ball and two goals and two teams trying to score on each other's goals. And we play it from the ages of five to ten and then abandon it for cooler sports. Shut up rest of the world. Anyway, buckle in. Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog and I are here for the duration. Except for an occasional [tobacco] break, followed by the inevitable nacho break.

10:02 AM-Clint Dempsey elbows some hot bitch from Slovenia. The Slovenian sells it, grimacing and clenching like Robert Green's asshole.
10:05 AM-Landon Donovan takes a corner kick. Donovan does nothing for me. With the height and the hairline and the general pointiness. And I am particularly critical of corner kickers, since I was the most notorious corner kicker in GCC Soccer. Every other eight year-old quaked in their own zone at my prowess.
10:12 AM- Carlos Bocanegra sighting. Sigh.
10:13 AM-Slovenia scores. Booooo! The scorer rocks a pathetic facsimile of David Beckham's fauxhawk. And his mama wears combat boots.
10:19 AM-I am watching this game on a $3,000 television set (I live with boys, okay?) and yet the sound quality is that of the battery powered combination TV/Flashlight my mom keeps in the laundry room in case of alien invasions or earthquakes. Fuck the Vuvuzelas.
10:28 AM-The nicest thing about soccer, is that you can really live your life while watching a game. Scoring chances are few and far between, so really you can read, surf the internet, prepare after-[tobacco] nachos and be fine. just know that you have to look up as soon as the announcer's voice starts to climb. I like that.
10:32 AM-Oguchi Onyewu (yes I had to look up the spelling) is a piece. I don't worry about mispronouncing his name, because I only intend to call him "O!" Haha, get it? Get it? I'm being dirty! See? Soccer is fun.
10:35 AM-Penalty kick for the USA. A nice kick by Jose Torres, he almost makes it. Again, if he wants tips, this was right in my wheelhouse as a ten year-old. In other news, Jose Torres looks like the imaginary baby if Peter Facinelli mated with a hawk.
10:38 AM-Findley with a scoring chance. Fail. Right away there is another scoring chance off a corner kick and no one sees it. Findley gets yellow carded for a hand ball. Because his hand and his face apprently look alike. Because the ball bounced off his face, ref. Thanks.
10:40 AM-Another USA scoring chance! By one of the USA players! I think it was Mia Hamm. The announcer says the US is really knocking on the door and I believe him.
10:41 AM- Except not. Because Slovenia scores. The US makes the terrible mistake of waiting for an offside call that never happens (ignoring the always play until the whistle rule that we are taught at five years old), leaving a Slovenian with a wide open net. I think it was Anze Kopitar.
10:47 AM- Halftime. USA 0, Slovenia 2. Soccer -12.

Half- The dude says that Landon Donovan basically said some thing to effect of "If we don't beat Slovenia, we don't deserve to be in the round of 16." Way to kibosh the team, Dono! Also, [tobacco].

11:04 AM-USA SCOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEESSS!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!! Forget everything I said about Landon Donovan! He can have whatever he wants from me if he can score two more goals!
11:08 AM-HOLY SHIIIIT! Oh no, Clint Dempsey comes thisclose to scoring again. Gah.
11:12-ish AM- Tim Howard makes a leaping save and USA has some intense scoring opportunities that come to naught.
11:15 AM-Nachos.
11:23 AM-USA has one substitution left. Yikes.
11:26 AM- Slovenia gets a yellow card. Landon Donovan's hairline is pissed for some reason. Thought he was getting a red card? In my experience, the only way to get a red card is to step on Lauren Miller when she gets in the way of your throw-in and needs to be taught a lesson. So, sorry, boys.
11:27 AM- Donovan free kick and Altidore allllmost scores. Blast!
11:29 AM-Free kick, almost scores.
11:31 AM-Almost score.
11:33 AM-Landon Donovan gets taken down and Forbergs it until his feet hurt. He draws a yellow card. His kick lands in a sweet spot, but they can't connect.
11:38 AM-AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael Bradley scores! A beautiful head from Altidore with the deatstrike of Bradley. The score is tied. My uterus dead.
11:43 AM-Edu scores! But the ref calls offsides, negating the goal. repeated viewings show that Bradley was being held and there was no offsides. The ref looks like Capt. Daniels from The Wire, so I'm having a hard time getting too mad at him. But I'm relly mad.
11:44 AM-Major Tim Howard save.
11:46 AM-Tim Howard gets a piece of a great Slovenian shot and goes ape on his defenders who had totally let Slovenia waltz into the box and start a weenie roast. I'm little into him now. Not gonna lie.
11:48 AM-I'm still really mad at Captain Daniels about calling off that goal. Nachos.
11:50 AM-They're carrying off a Slovenian. No word if he's cute.
11:52 AM-Game over. It ends in a tie 2-2. The US should be proud they got out of there alive. and if stupid Captain Daniels (also Broyles on Fringe) hadn't blown off that goal, my boner would be complete.
11:53 AM-One of the hand-shaking Slovenians looks like a Staal Brother/Prince Harry hybrid. We've seen this before, but still. Wow. The cameraman notices this too, because he lingers on Prince OtherStaal well past his handshakes. Oh, it's the guy who scored before. Sorry for what I said about his mama.
11:55 AM-Alexi Lalas has clearly been sahring a pharmacist with Paul Abdul. He gives Altidore my Oneywu face when thanking him for steeping up in the second half. He calls Captain Daniels "a disgrace." I agree with Paula.
11:56 AM-Very Ed Harris-y coach of the USA is giving and interview. He speaks like Christopher Walken and I don't think it's a joke. He too think Captain Daniels is no better than Bubbles. And while he's proud of his boys for fighting back, he's conflicted.

After [Tobacco] Nachos
You Will Need: 1 bag of chips, 1 jar of salsa, 1 can of beans (black preferred, but any may work), Soy cheese
Directions: Combine can of beans and half jar of salsa with some salt and garlic powder in the food processor. Grind until fairly smooth.
Spread chips out on a pam-ed baking sheet. Drop the bean dip all over the chips, spread some cheese. Spread a few more chips, spread other half jar of salsa, spread more cheese. Sprinkle Lawry's or salt over the top and bake at 350 til cheese is bubbly. Use whatever bean dip and chips are lfet to tide you over until the chips are ready.

The Girls Guide to Picking Your Stanley Cup Final Team: Chicago Blackhawks

2010-05-29T12:34:00.001-07:00

Nice mudflap, Patrick Kane. You've done 1987 proud.

I'm still doped up and missing most of my kneecap. But I march (hobble) on in my quest to help you pick which team to root for in the Stanley Cup Final. Let's have a look at the Chicago Blackhawks.

Why You Should Root For Them

Where to start? The Blackhawks are one of the feel-good sports stories of the last few years. Remember how it always seemed like the people who hate children the most always become math teachers, and you wonder why they ever took a job working with kids? Well, you had to wonder why Bill Wirtz ever bought a hockey team. The Blackhawks owner let the team toil in obscurity, deciding it wouldn't be in the team's best interest to televise home games. Not that anyone really wanted to watch them anyway, since they were routinely pretty bad. But ownership didn't want to do anything about that either. Then "Dollar" Bill died, leaving his son in charge of the franchise and boy howdy did he turn that shit around. Games were broadcast, veteran talent was recruited, and franchise cornerstones were drafted, and soon the Windy City had a team to rally around (not Jay Cutler's). The once-proud franchise was proud again. Thanks in large part to the savvy drafting of Jonathan Toews, a sort of baby Yzerman, and Partrick Kane (who is currently cultivating an awesome Rocky V-era Tommy Gunn-style mullet), a wee, slippery sniper. The infusion of fresh blood meshed with veteran(-ish) mettle from Brian Campbell and Patrick Sharp among others. But the key word is 'young.' Because there's the blistering, young defense of Brents Sopel and Seabrook and Duncan Keith. And a passal of nasty power forwards like Kris Versteeg and Dustin Byfuglien. Plus, there's Antti Niemi, celebrating his Vicky Lester moment in goal. It's a team that should be good for a while, so you might want to latch on now. And, because it must be said, not only do the Blackhawks boast one of the best logos in sports, they are also much better looking than the Flyers. If that matters to you.

Why You Shouldn't Root For Them

Well, there are some behavior questions for the team. Patrick Kane, their young star on offense, was arrested last summer for punching out a cabbie over pocket change in Buffalo. No, I didn't make that up. You'd be hard-pressed to pull a story that douchey out of your ass. Baby Yzerman Jonathan Toews was arrested a few years ago for underage drinking, which--shocking! Who doesn't wait til they turn 21 to drink in this country? Scandal!! Though, realistically, one would expect a Baby Yzerman to have wits enough not to get caught. Then there's Marian Hossa, who's come off as a gormless, craven Roger Clemens-type; eager to win a Cup no matter the team. Otherwise... not much to say. These are two tough-to-root-against teams. Neither is truly deplorable if you are not from the New York tri-state area, in which case, you're going to root against a Philadelphia team no matter what. So, take your pick.

The Girls Guide to Picking Your Stanley Cup Final Team: Philadelphia Flyers

2010-05-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

Honestly, the drinking doesn't offend me. Jeff Carter's t-shirt does.

It's that glorious time of year again, when we spring headfirst into the Stanley Cup Finals. Of course, I'm not springing anywhere. I'm currently recovering from extensive knee surgery and have few lucid moments between doses of painkillers. And most of those lucid moments are taken up by playing UNO with my niece and nephew with whom I have been staying (and they totes cheat). Or begging Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog not to chew her nylabone on the swollen, bloody limb that is my knee joint. So before the percocets kick in and I lose any more of my kneecap, let's look at the Eastern Conference Champion Philadelphia Flyers.

Why You Should Root For Them

The Flyers legendarily bruising "Broad Street Bully" history gives them a lot of street cred to coast on. Remember when Homer sold his soul to the devil on The Simpsons, and the devil had a trial that included Hell's jury? Lumped in with Lizzie Borden and John Wilkes Booth? You guessed it: the starting lineup of the 1976 Flyers. If you like bloody, beat-down hockey, the spectre of the olde-tyme Flyers is enough for you to hop on the band wagon. And while the current Flyers boast some baddies like Daniel Carcillo and pesty pests like Ian Laperriere and Arron Asham, they aren't nearly as violent as the classic Flyers. But management has done a nice job of putting together a blue collar, grinding, scrappy lil' team that bears some fingerprints of the Bullies of yore. After all, it takes an immeasurably tough team to come back from a 3-0 deficit versus the Boston Bruins. This is largely because the Flyers have some of the most complete players in the league. Mike Richards, Jeff Carter, Simon Gagne (more on him later), Scotty Hartnell pretty much embody the New NHL player. Each guy is multi-dimensional, responsible on both ends, and will chew through a wall to win. Which makes for a very likable, easy-to-root-for team (and as a New Yorker, you know how it rends me to say something positive about a Philadelphia-related team, besides the detectives on Cold Case). All of the players really seem to buy into the team concept, Miracle-style. So there really isn't a flashy, selfish douchebag (yes, yes, Pronger, but he's not exactly selfish, is he?). And they have two possible future superstars in Claude Giroux and James Van Riemsdyk. Plus, there have been some feel-good stories in goal, with the redemption (before his injury) of oldie Brian Boucher and the rise of young'un Mike Leighton. Both have had moments of dominance and it's been great to watch. And finally, although Mike Richards is the embodiment of a Home Depot Husband, he is not my favorite Flyer. I have a raging hockey boner for Simon Gagne and I always have. For clarification purposes, please note that I do not want to bang him. I am simply enamored with the way this guy plays hockey. And I have whined and ranted in the past about how underrated he is as a player, and finally, everyone else is seeing what I've seen for years (and hopefully this Stanley Cup Final will be his Henrik Zetterberg moment). He plays two-way hockey really well for someone who is touted as a scorer. He's just caught a raw deal with the myriad injuries he's faced throughout his career. But when he's upright, he's a major player. But we may need to have a discussion about that Pat Riley hair...

Why You Shouldn't Root For Them

Well, they're from Philly. So, there's that, of course. Plus, Chris Pronger is on the team. Pronger is easily one of the least likable players in the NHL, given his continued dirty play, his hero worship by commentators, the Edmonton Oilers scandal, the babymaking-with-teenagers rumors, his bewildering insistence on getting the same haircut as former First Lady Laura Bush, the fact that his front teeth have never met, and his dirty, dirty play. Plus, he's good. Which makes his laundry list of repugnancies even tougher to tolerate. Also, Danny Briere is a diver. If people want to continue insisting that Cindy Crosby is a diver and a whiner than those same people also have to save a pair of Speedos and a hankie for lil' Danny Briere. Then there is the rumors that the team was suffering from too many beer busts and beaver hunting. And the rumor about Jeff Carter and Scotty Hartnell's wife. Yikes. Double yikes considering the Flyers have been torn asunder before by teammates allegedly boffing other teammates' wives. But in all honesty, aside from their hometown, there aren't all that many glaring reasons to root against the Flyers, because, all Prongers aside, they are a pretty likable team. The biggest hurdle they face is that the Blackhawks have a better storyline than they do. It's kind of tough to root against the Blackhawks and therefore, tough to root for the Flyers.

Shaun White Wins!

2010-04-06T16:25:00.001-07:00

Much like last year's unfortunate Zachary Levi incident, our March Madness Brackets have been taken over by a Shaun White fan community on LiveJournal. So, fuck it, he wins. Hope we're all pleased.

We'll go ahead and skip over to the runner-up spot.

It was Ryan Lochte, I think. I erased the poll before I checked. Oops.

SportSquee March Madness Elite 8: Underdogs Bracket

2010-04-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

We here at SportSquee are on the cutting edge of technology when it comes to finding vital information out about our favorite athletes. Our Fly on the Wall has allowed us to eavesdrop on any conversation we feel like. Today, we invited Olympic hero Shaun White and Super Bowl champ Eli Manning to the SportSquee teepee (on the third level of the SportSquee bunker, buried deep in the rolling hills of Wyandanch). Below is a transcript of their conversation.
Editor's note: Yeah, yeah, we're way behind. This is the last of the Elite 8. All polls will close by 12 PM tomorrow.

Shaun White: (laughing)
Eli Manning: (laughing)
White: (giggling)
Manning: (giggling)
Both: (cough)
White: (laughing)
Manning: (laughing)
White: (giggling)
Manning: (giggling)
White: (sigh)
Manning: (sigh)
White: This is really good [tobacco]...
Manning: Really good [tobacco]...
White: Pass me the [smoking implement]?
Manning: Heheheheh... [smoking implement] rhymes with [vernacular for male anatomy].
White: Whoa, it does...
Manning: [tobacco]...[vernacular for male anatomy]...[tobacco]...[vernacular for male anatomy].
White: (coughs)

Fly on the Wall/SportSquee March Madness Elite 8: Superstars Bracket

2010-04-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

We here at SportSquee hold a surprising amount of power in the sports community. With our cutting-edge technology we can eavedrop on any athlete on any given day. Today we invited tennis master Roger Federer and hockey phenom Sidney Crosby to the SportSquee Hair and Nail Salon ( in the East Southeast Wing, right past the fizzy lifting drink room of the secret SportSquee bunker buried in the wild hilltops of Wyandanch). Below is a transcript.

Roger Federer: (under the dryer) You can't be serious.

Sidney Crosby: But I can't be funny either. It's not in my software.

Federer: I'm talking about your cuticles. (examining Crosby's paw) You let them cut your cuticles? Are you nuts?

Crosby: No, I'm a boy.

Federer: Garcon! Another one of these, please. (shaking a hurricane glass filled with ice and a wilted mini-umbrella at the attendant)

Attendant: Do you need another refill, Mr. Crosby?

Crosby: (holding out his empty jar of Tiger Balm) Yes, please.

Federer: So, Sidney (crossing his legs and returning Cosmopolitan Magazine to its place on the magazine rack) if I may call you Sidney, of course. Tell me, what products to you use?

Crosby: Reebok, Tim Horton's, Gatorade, sometimes I have to use Norton Anti-virus on my hard drive. You wouldn't believe how many times the Capitals have tried to knock me out by putting a virus in my system!

Federer: No, no, no. I'm talking about your hair. What kind of products do you use in your hair? It's so... (runs both hands through it)...so silky.

Crosby: (stares blankly)

Federer: Here, feel mine. (takes Crosby's hands and runs them through his hair) It's excellent, isn't it?

Crosby: It feels like Madame Lemieux's winter coat.

Federer: Merci.

Crosby: (stares blankly)

Federer: I use my own special blend of products. And I change them out every three days to avoid build up. And, that smell you're probably wondering about? Just a touch of lavender oil. Keeps my ends shiny and keeps me smelling fresh all day.

Crosby: Sometimes, at practice, I get really warm. And I squirt water in my face to cool off. And it gets in my hair.

Federer: (smiles politely and takes his new drink from the attendant)

Crosby: (stares blankly)

Federer: (smiles politely)

Crosby: (stares blankly)

Federer: (draining his drink and patting Crosby's cheek) Oh, oh, what's this? This skin! (caressing Crosby's cheek) Mon Dieu, it's like velvet...

Crosby: (smiles politely)

Federer: And I thought I had nice skin... Here, feel mine.

Crosby: It feels like the Persian cat that lives under the piano at the Lemieux's house.

Federer: (smiles politely)

Crosby: Her name is Jaromir.

Federer: (smiles politely)

Crosby: She's not very nice.

Federer: Tell me, what do you use to keep your skin so lovely.

Crosby: (smiles politely)

Federer: Surely you must use a battery of lotions and potions to maintain such a creamy complexion.

Crosby: Sometimes, when I eat Timbits, I eat them fast. And I get frosting all over my face.

Federer: (smiles politely)

Crosby: Sometimes its jelly.

Federer: I had all of sweat glands removed. Keeps my pH levels perfectly calibrated.

Crosby: (stares blankly)

Federer: And I've been developing a skincare line with Ramona from Real Housewives of New York City... You'd like her; she's fun.

Crosby: (smiles politely)

Federer: Take a sample. You just dot a few drops around your eyes, down your cheekbones and under you chin and voila! The skin of a Wimbledon champion! (hands Crosby a vial)

Crosby: Thank you.

(Mario Lemieux enters and seizes the vial immediately)

Mario Lemieux: I'll be taking that. Computer viruses come in all shapes and sizes, Cynthia.

Federer: Relax, Mario (opening up a fresh Marie Claire magazine). It's just a sample from my new skincare line. Why would I want to crash the boy's hard drive, anyway? I'm too busy trying to poison Rafael Nadal.

Lemieux: (smiles politely)

Federer: That was a joke. Anyway, keep it, it's going to retail for $40 an ounce.

Lemieux: Well, then, thank you, Roger. (scoops Crosby into his arms) Well, we'd better be getting back. Thanks, again. Cynthia wave goodbye to your new friend. (Crosby waves feebly as Lemieux carries him away)

Federer: You can come out now.

(Alex Ovechkin emerges from behind the salon's heavy drapes)

Alex Ovechkin: Did he take the vial?

Federer: Of course he did. A vial full of magnetic lotion sure to short out is hard drive!

Ovechkin: I can't thank you enough for doing this for me.

Federer: But of course. It's the least I could do after I beat you so badly in the Sexy 16. Besides, we have an agreement, don't we?

Ovechkin: I've already lace Nadal's pirate pants with a powerful sedative. He'll never know what hit him.

(the two laugh maniacally)

Fly on the Wall/SportSquee March Madness Elite 8: Young and Hunky Bracket

2010-04-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

We here at SportSquee command an alarming amount of power in the sports community. And our cutting edge, revolutionary technology allows us to eavesdrop on any athlete on any given day. Today, we invited Jordan Staal and Ryan Lochte to the SportSquee Art Studio (in the South Northwest wing of the secret SportSquee bunker buried in the wilds of Wyandanch) while our microphones listened in. Below is a transcript.

Ryan Lochte: Hey, Jordan. Whatcha working on?
Jordan Staal: It's a surprise.
Lochte: Oh, so is mine. What is your friend working on?
Staal: That's not my friend. That's my twin brother, Geno.
Evgeni Malkin: (sullenly) Russian... Russian... Russian
Staal: (giggles) That's our secret twin language. Only Geno and I, and Russian people can understand it.
Lochte: What did he say?
Staal: He said he's doing a painting of Shaun White getting boarded by Alex Ovechkin.
Lochte: Lemme see! (Geno shows him) Oh no! Oh no, that is really graphic, Geno. I mean, really graphic. (dry heaves)
Staal: (beams)
Malkin: (beams)
Lochte: You know, Jordan. You and I aren't so different. We both make our living on water. Well, I swim in water and you skate on frozen water.
Staal: No I don't, I skate on ice. Geno, can you believe this guy?
Malkin: Russian... Russian (snickers)
Lochte: What'd he say?
Staal: Oh, nothing. He said you were a really smart guy.
Lochte: (touched) Thanks, Geno.
Malkin: Russian... Russian...
Staal: Hahaha...write that one down, Geno.
Lochte: As I was saying, we're a lot alike, Jordan. We both have great hair.
Staal: Yes, we both have...hair.
Lochte: We both wear grillz when we feel like it.
Malkin: Russian...Russian...
Staal: You're right, Geno. He's got me on that one.
Lochte: We're both very close to guys that can't keep their mouths closed. You have your twin brother Geno. And I have Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps: (at a nearby table finger-painting) Hey guyth. Whath up? I'm Michael Phelpth and I'm painting with my fingerth.
Staal: (nodding) Phelps. We meet again.
Malkin: (narrows eyes)
Lochte: Whatcha painting, Phelps?
Phelps: Ith a picture of my mom and my thithterth in front of a Chico'th, with my gold medalth. I'm painting with my fingerth.
Lochte: It's really nice, Phelps.
Phelps: Thankth.
Malkin: (narrows eyes)
Staal: Are you almost done with your sculpture, Lochte?
Lochte: Almost. Can you pass me that bit of clay?
Staal: Sure.
Lochte: A little of this... a little of that...
Staal: Geez, Geno. He's almost as slow at sculpting as he is at the 400m backstroke.
Malkin: Russian...Russian...
Staal: (sitting on Geno's lap) Yeah, I could use a nap, too. You want ribs tonight?
Lochte: I'm done. Wanna see?
Staal: Let's show each other on the count of three...
Lochte: One...
Staal: Two...
Lochte: Three...
Both: It's a weener!
Lochte: Wait, you did a weener?
Staal: Of course I did a weener! It's Mario Lemieux's weener.
Lochte: I did Mark Spitz's weener.
(they stare at each other)
(Phelps and Malkin stare at them, mouths open)
Lochte: (putting in his grillz) As I said, Jordan. You and I are not that different.
Staal: (putting in his own grillz) No. No, I suppose we aren't.

Fly on the Wall/SportSquee March Madness Elite 8: Old-Timers Bracket

2010-04-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

We here at SportSquee command an impressive amount of power in the sports community. Our special. revolutionary technology allows us to eavesdrop on your favorite athletes whenever we feel like it. Today, we lured NFL heavyweights Brett Favre nad Kurt Warner to the SportSquee Spa ( in the Northeast-Southwest wing of the SportSquee bunker in our secret facility buried in the hills of Wyandanch) for a day of R&R. As they chatted in the steam room, our hidden microphones were there to capture everything. Here is a transcript.

Brett Favre: Hey, Kurt. Heard you retired.

Kurt Warner: Yeah. I did. You know Brenda and I have been looking forward to just being Mom and Dad for a while now. You know, school plays, hockey games, tea parties. I can't wait. You must miss that, too. Being a dad and all.

Favre: Who me? Nah. I never had any kids.

Warner: Don't you have two daughters?

Favre: Pfft. I'ma not even married, man.

Warner: You're married. Your wife's name is Deanna. She wrote a book.

Favre: Never heard of her.

Warner: I went to your wedding. Your older daughter was the flower girl.

Favre: Nope. Doesn't sound familiar.

Warner: Um, she's plastered all over the TV during your games.

Favre: Anyway, about your retirement...

Warner: Yeah?

Favre: When are you going to announce your unretirement?

Warner: Sorry?

Favre: Don't apologize. I just think we should coordinate a little. Like, I'ma announce my retirement sometime mid-April. And then once everyone stops talking about it in early June, I'ma make sure everyone knows that I'ma unsure about my retirement. And then I'ma retire again. And then, once training camp is over (dramatic eyeroll), I'ma be like 'BAM! Whaddup everybody! Favre is back, baby! Who be the highest bidder up in the hizzy?'

Warner: Why don't you just sign with a team now, if you want to play?

Favre: Oh... Oh, I got ya. Like, sign with a team now and then fake my own kidnapping. And maybe send out videos to the news channels of me in, like, the basement of a Bears fan, looking all scared-like. And then I'ma be like 'BAM! I done escaped! Aaron Rodgers did it and now I'ma punish his ass... on the FIELD!'

Warner: That's insane.

Favre: You're right. I'ma have to spread out my hostage videos. Send out one, and then once people stop talking about me, I'ma send out another one. And then when they stop talking about me, I'ma send out another one. Brad Childress can help me with the shoot.

Warner: Brett, if you retire, you can do something constructive with your time. You know, Brenda and I take a bunch of underprivileged children for a week in Disney World every year. We don't tell the press, we just do it. You should see the smile on their little faces. It's a miracle.

Favre: I don't know, Kurt.

Warner: It won't interrupt your schedule of ignoring your kids, I promise.

Favre: I get what you're saying. I'ma retire, and then I'ma get, like, a bunch of kids from Philadelphia. And then, I'ma be like, "Hey, kids from Philly! I'ma take you to Dollywood!' And they gonna be like, 'Brent Farber, you the man!' And we're gonna go on Nancy Grace in May. And then hang out with Snooki from the Jersey Shore in July. And then in September, the Philly kids is gonna be like, "Bam! Brent Farber is a Viking! We gonna live with him in Minneapolis." And I'ma be an American hero!

Warner: Oh, Brett...

Favre: Nah, man. I ain't living with no kids from Philadelphia. Those kids is going home. Then, at the end of the season, I'ma tell everyone I'ma retire to take a bunch of kids from Baltimore to Knott's Berry Farm and...

Warner: I think I'm done steaming. I have Bible study in an hour.

Favre: But you interrupted our mud wraps to go to Bible study.

Warner: You Silly. That was midmorning Bible study. This is late morning Bible Study.

Favre: Wait! Shouldn't we compare some dates? Let me get my Filofax!

Warner: (prays quietly)

Favre: PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE!!!!!!

SportSquee March Madness Bracket: Elite 8

2010-04-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

Here is your updated bracket as we advance to the Elite 8. Each player will be making his own case through SportSquee's on-going and revolutionary Fly on the Wall technology. Voting will open again later today.

SportSquee March Madness Sexy 16: Underdogs Bracket

2010-03-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

Underdogs

Claim to Fame: Led Giants to Super Bowl in one of the greatest Super Bowl upsets ever; Peyton's Malkinfaced little brother; quality appearances in Oreo commercials and on a recent episode of the Simpsons

Claim to Fame: Sidney Crosby's first human friend and NHL funnyman; possesses big, beautiful bird nose; SportSquee Legend

For some reason, you are all wild about Eli Manning. He takes down Colby Armstrong harder than he did Rodney Harrison!

Claim to Fame: Power forward part of the current Stanley Cup Champion Penguins having fled Russia years before in the dead of night, Jason Bourne-style, to join team; refuses to learn English and frequently appears in drunken pictures on the internet; SportSquee Legend. Legend!

Claim to Fame: Pro skateboarder and back-to-back Winter Olympic snowboarding gold, including this year's daring double McTwist stunt; incessantly charming appearances in commercials and on talk shows; rad hair

We got carpet bombed by a Shaun White fansite! Evgeni Malkin didn't have a chance. If voting turns out so lopsided again, we may have to limit the voting to Blogger-only.

SportSquee March Madness Sexy 16: Superstar Bracket

2010-03-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Superstars Bracket

Claim to Fame: Fastest, hardest-hitting sniper in the NHL; pirate-smiling, malaprop-spouting, internet girlfriend-finding charmer; possible on-ice menace if you believe Colin Campbell

Claim to Fame: Pretty much considered the best tennis player ever to tread the Earth, all while never even breaking into a light sweat or mussing his fabulously glossy hair; rivalry with Rafael Nadal is the only interesting thing about tennis, since he so thoroughly dominates every other player 98% of the time; saddled his twin girls with unfortunately matronly monikers

Roger Federer pisses excellence, not only on the court, but in hotness contests. He takes down America's favorite Russian in a decisive victory.

Claim to Fame: Robot sold to the NHL at an early age, downloaded with the finest skills in hockey; current Stanley Cup holder and Olympic gold medal-winner/hero; SportSquee legend and unofficial father of my dog

Claim to Fame: One-time soccer phenom/pride of England/namesake of charming low-budget girl power movie; currently vagabond footballer/one-half of obscenely famous supercouple/model of junk-defining underpants; devoted daddy with a Minnie Mouse voice and a face created to make you feel bad about yourself.

Coasting off an Olympic high and being the namesake of the cutest dog in the universe, Sidney Crosby takes down SportSquee Hall-of-Famer David Beckham.

SportSquee March Madness Sexy 16: Young and Hunky Bracket

2010-03-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Young and Hunky Bracket

Claim to Fame: Most loved/loathed college quarterback in years due to his hybrid running back/quarterback style; won 2 national titles and a Heisman Trophy with the Florida Gators and will be a controversial, all-eyes-on-me NFL draft pick this spring; aids in circumcisions in poverty-stricken locales as part of his Christian missionary work

Claim to fame: part of the reigning Stanley Cup-winning Penguins and eugenically-engineered Staal hockey family; drunken harasser of passing cars; SportSquee Legend. Legend!

Jordan Staal's SportSquee legend grows! He takes down Tim Tebow in a landslide.

Claim to Fame: Rookie QB who led my NY Jets to the AFC Conference Championships; most famous Mexican in football (sorry, Marc Bulger); hot, vaguely gay fashion photo shoot in GQ Magazine

Claim to Fame: Won gold at the Olympic games in Beijing; cheerfully dons a set of grillz whenever possible; hot, vaguely gay fashion photo session in GQ magazine

In the battle of the GQ models, you preferred Ryan Lochte's sailor shirt to Mark Sanchez's Baywatch tribute. My QB goes home and the gold-medalist advances.

SportSquee March Madness Sexy 16: Old Timers Bracket

2010-03-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

Old-Timers Bracket

Claim to Fame: Was part of that sick Duke play with Christian Laettner back in his college days, winning two titles; still plugging with the Phoenix Suns despite myriad injuries; has not aged since his Duke days and is married to Tamia

Claim to Fame: legendary gunslinger with the most yards and interceptions in NFL history, most of them with the Green Bay Packers; legendarily tiresome waffler and training camp dodger who refuses to retire or just join a team like a normal player; legendary cameo in There's Something About Mary

Grant Hill hung in there, but Brett Favre took him down by two measly points. Favre makes the Elite 8.

Claim to Fame: Had to fill Joe Montana's shoes in San Francisco, ended up with six passing titles and the NFL Record for career passer rating; currently a polished sports analyst; late-to-marry LDS hottie opposing Prop 8

Claim to Fame: One time grocery store stock boy turned Super Bowl MVP; he has the most, second-most, and third-most yards thrown in Super Bowl history as well as six hundred kids; devoted to charity, even more devoted husband, even more devoted Christian.

Just like on the field, Kurt Warner cannot be killed by any mere mortal. He takes down Steve Young to advance to the Elite 8.

SportSquee March Madness Round 2

2010-03-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Voting for Round 1 of SportSquee's March Madness has concluded. There were some surprises (the NHL got shafted), some triumphs (Ryan Lochte!), and some near-upsets (Tim Lincecum holding a lead until Sunday morning). We'll have the Sexy 16 voting up soon. Vote early and vote often.

SportSquee March Madness Round 1: Underdog Bracket

2010-03-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

One made a splash for Team USA at the Olympics, the other is Peyton's younger brother and a Super Bowl MVP. Which one advances?

Eli Manning dominated young Stastny. He advances to the next round!

One is a rocket-armed garbage-mouthed quarterback, the other is the premier cut-up of the NHL. Who moves on to the Sexy 16?

Colby Armstrong whipped Jay Cutler and he advances to the next round!

One is a hockey dynamo who has made an art out of looking dazzlingly confused, the other is an ace pitcher who, according to the DEA, is often dazed and confused. Will the slack-jawed Russian or the herbal enthusiast make the cut?

In a shocker, Tim Lincecum held a commanding lead for most of the voting period. A late surge showed that your love for Evgeni Malkin lives!

Steve Holcomb is the lovable meatball who won bobsled gold in Vancouver, Shaun white is the lovable ginger who won snowboard gold in Vancouver. Which golden guy gets your vote?

We love gingers and so do you! Shaun White moves on over Steve Holcomb!

SportSquee March Madness Round 1: Superstars Bracket

2010-03-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

One is the King of basketball, the other is the czar of hockey. Who moves on?

LeBron James led for most of the weekend, until a late surge launched Alex Ovechkin into the Sexy 16!

It's the man who owns tennis vs. the man who owned the Tour de France. Which one will dominate his way into the Sexy 16?

Like he does with most of his opponents, Roger Federer made Lance Armstrong his bitch. The Easy Rider pulled in just 2 votes against the tennis champ.

Crosby earned a gold medal in hockey and a Stanley Cup in the calender year, and Derek Jeter bagged a World Series and that hot brunette from Friday Night Lights. But which one will advance?

Sid the Kid took down the pride of Fraggle Rock!

Do you want to bend it with Beckham or get wet with Phelps? Ignore the grossness of that question and vote for your favorite.

As expected, aesthetics won over patriotism, and David Beckham advances!

Sport Squee March Madness round 1: Young and Hunky Bracket

2010-03-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

One is a smoking hot Olympic medal-winning swimmer, the other is not cute and plays for the fucking Rangers. and also won an Olympic medal. Don't vote for Lundqvist.

They traded leads several times, but you did me proud. Ryan Lochte squeezed past the second coming of Kate Gosselin!

One is the swarthy future of the Jets, and the other is Superman. Who moves on?

Mark Sanchez held a steady lead over Dwight Howard and advanced to the Sexy 16.

One is the hunkiest of an alpha-hunk hockey herd, the other may have actually made you root for the Cowboys last season. Who moves ahead?

Jordan Staal demolished hot Miles Austin!

One likes to break noses for the Bruins, the other likes to give free circumcisions in third world nations when he's not getting his Gator on in college football. Which amateur surgeon moves along?

And in a stunner, Tim Tebow edged bruiser Milan Lucic by a mere to point to advance!

SportSquee March Madness Round 1: Old-Timers

2010-03-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

One can kill you with a flourish of his goatee, the other can kill you with hugs. Who advances to the next round?

Kurt Warner edges Gary Roberts in a tightly contested battle!

One is a polished former QB, the other, an unkempt defenseman. Who moves on?

Steve Young bests Scott Niedermayer in a decisive showing!

One refuses to age, one refuses to fucking retire already. Who gets the go-ahead?

Brett Favre smacks down the Great One!

One is... Mike Piazza. The other is Grant Hill. Who advances?

Grant Hill wins a slam dunk against the original Mike Piazza!

Your 2010 SportSquee All-Hottie Bracket

2010-03-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

Technically, Rick DiPietro is no longer a professional athlete, and is thus not included. Sniff.

SportSquee's crack panel of experts assembled a selection of hotties to float your March
Madness boat. Who will get the Squee? Please print and fill in, and tomorrow we'll start the voting!

Your brackets are:

Old-Timers- Your grizzly veterans who may have gone gray but still have it going on.

Young & Hunky- Your young...um... hunks.

Superstars- The players who are a cut above their brethren on the field/pitch/track/ice/water.

Underdogs- The maybe, kinda, sorta, not-so-conventionally attractive types that you love anyway.

It's March Madness Time!!!!

2010-03-21T12:48:00.001-07:00

Pretty much what I look like now, except I'm usually wearing a shirt.

Ladies, ladies, ladies! The bitch is back, baby! I've wrapped up my sojourn in Vancouver (where I conveniently broke my wrist and knee, a-thank you!) and landed splat in the middle of SportSquee's busiest time of the year.

As you recall, last year, we pitted hunk vs hunk in a battle royale (click on the tag, as I said, my wrist is broken and every keystroke is agony--bitch ain't linking), with James Franco emerging the pansexual, smoldering winner. This year, we're cutting out the Hollywood Hunks and going strictly sporty. Your brackets will be:

Jailbait

Old Timers

Superstars

Underdogs

Please leave your suggestions for candidates in the comments, and we'll get the voting started. Remember, athletes, only.

Sadly, It's Not Nearly as Scary as Sid's Actual Life Must Be...

2009-12-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog is scared by Spooking Cindy...

Alas and alack, friends and readers. My occupation continues to cockblock me from serving as your Shepherdess of SportSquee. It also cockblocks me from having anything resembling a social life and human feelings aside from disgust for tourists gathering like Whoville Who's around the 30 Rock Christmas tree and enthusiasm over eye-catching statistics that can be easily disseminated into lower-third football graphics.

Yet, I managed unblock my proverbial (perhaps) cock in order to squeeze in a breakfast summit with my favorite illustrious empresses of the blogosphere, Pookie and Schnookie of the legendary Interchangeable Parts a few months ago. During our delightful meeting, which was far too brief, we talked about our favorite subject, Sidney Patrick Crosby, subject of IPB's past writing contest, Chasing Sidney, in which gentle readers were challenged to write a coming-of-age tale about the Kid that had to include a European trip and one or more of the Lemieux(es?). With the spirit of Halloween fresh in our veins, we discussed how fun it might be to a spooky tale about Sir Sid. Challenge accepted. On my frequent airplane/train trips to and from work locations (which pretty much constitutes my "free time") I was able to work on my R.L. Stine-inspired horror opus, Part 1 and 2 of which are available on IPB. The Youse Attractive boys have been pretty quiet lately, so consider this a temporary substitute.

Your Cindy Crosby Reading List:

First came Chasing Cindy, your classic coming-of-age tale about a robot just learning about who he really is.

Then Spooking Cindy, Part I, a thriller about a an orphaned robot boy trying to catch a break...and a killer!

Then Spooking Cindy, Part II, the next chapter in the chilling tale!

And, finally, the conclusion, Spooking Cindy, Part III, the terrifying finish to a horrific tale.

Enjoy, bitches.

(m.a.) Dany Heatley a Shark, Also a Tool

2009-09-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sad to say: "You suck, sir."

So it has come to pass that obscenely talented winger (my annoying) Dany Heatley has been mercifully granted a trade from the Ottawa Senators to the San Jose Sharks, bringing his extended testicle squeeze of Bryan Murray to a mostly bloodless end. The lambs sacrificed on (m.a.) Heatley's altar of discontent are Milan Michalek, Jonathan Cheechoo, and a future 2nd Round pick. This whole soap opera has made (m.a.) Heatley look like the USS Massengill, Space Station of the Doucherockets. This is sad for many reason, not the least of which is my own passionate past with the Bowie-eyed goal machine. Let's take a look at the ways in which this whole thing has sucked.

10. His history

Let's just go ahead and call a spade a spade. (m.a.)Heatley really didn't have much room for error once he got to Ottawa. With his accident and subsequent trade request in Atlanta, most people seemed to accept that the guy had demons he needed to escape from in Atlanta. Though some thought he essentially got away with something you or I would have been jailed over. Ottawa really gave him a clean slate to move ahead with his life, especially on a team as imperically talented as the Senators, and a town as hockey-savvy as Ottawa. Now, people are ripe to drink the Haterade, swish it around, and spit it back in his face. Whether it's true or not, it can certainly look like he's squandered a fresh start on a wildly talented team in which he was given an opportunity to flourish. The bad driving jokes are going to increase tenfold.

9. His tooth

I still miss the pirate smile. Not over it.

8. Cheechoo!

I think most seeing, hearing, feeling people can agree the Jonathan Cheechoo is an adorable cocker spaniel puppy of a guy. He's from a town next to where Santa Claus lives, where everyone makes mooses (meese?), and when he went to sleep every night as a child, to the sound of polar bears doing it, he dreamed of being a San Jose Shark. His dream came true in a big way, with a Rocket Richard Trophy to show for it, courtesy of Joe Thornton's freakish passing ability. He hasn't delivered nearly as much since his Rocket year, but he's nonetheless been a good, hard-nosed player. A player who has been ripped from the arms of his maker and dream team. It's sad. All that said, Cheechoo could very well develop chemistry with Jason Spezza, who is only slightly less heralded as a disher than Thornton. Also, he attractive and might find himself with a new best friend.

7. It's Uneven

The truth is, unless the Senators received Joe Thornton himself, or a clonable zygote of Pavel Bure, this trade was going to be lopsided. Cheechoo and Michalek are solid players, but (m.a.) Heatley is a top ten player. He can pass and shoot like a laser. While he's no Datsyuk, he is defensively responsible when the situation calls for it (like when Alfredsson was out all that time and he saw his ice time go up). And he's a hearty motherfucker, isn't he? He's rarely injured. Not even a devastating car wreck could keep him out of the game for long. And he's half-blind, remember, but still scoring 40-50 goals per season. That's kind of ridiculous. The Sens got hosed.

6. Me and (my beloved)

Freaders of sportSquee know that (m.a.) Dany Heatley was my original and most severe hockey crush. With the hair that made him look like an extra from Breakin', the missing front tooth, and the mismatched eyes, Heater was my hockey husband. As time went on, we grew apart. Also, he started balding, got regular haircuts, and had his tooth fixed. And I moved on. But just like the middle school boyfriend I occasionally see dealing meth by the 7-11, it saddens me to think that someone I so fervently supported has so thoroughly disgusted me.

5. Jay Cutler

Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler was the other star who requested a trade this year (coincidentally, he is also one of my most shameful and inexplicable long-term crushes). In his situation, a new coach, Josh McDaniels, was brought into the organization and immediately tried to trade him away for a career second-string quarterback, Matt Cassel. This venture failed, but word got out in the press. And Cutler, who is a real-deal franchise quarterback, was rightfully disturbed that his new coach would try to trade him at all, let alone for a guy who hadn't started a game between high school and the moment when Tom Brady's knee was crushed. Thus, Cutler requested a trade. And even though Cutler has since gone out of his way to prove what an asshat he is in the press, that was a warranted trade request. And it puts Heatley's complaints in a different light. Heatley wasn't essentially betrayed by his coach, he had his ice time cut. He was moved on the power play. That's part of being on a team. You know what Steve Yzerman did when his ice time got cut? He played the shit out of his new role and became the model of a two-way player. That's what the best players do.

4. Edmonton

Add the City of Champions to the list of geographic locations that hate his guts. (m.a.) Heatley requested a trade and was granted a trade, to Edmonton. Headed to Ottawa in exchange were Andrew Cogliano, Ladislav Smid, and Dustin Pennersquee (remember that guy?). Yes, a good trade, a fine trade, just like (m.a.) Dany Heatley requested. And then (m.a.) Dany Heatley decides to use his no-trade clause to block the trade that he himself had requested. So the body count includes Cogliano, Smid, and Pennersquee, who now know that their team considers them expendable, and the Oilers organization, who have three presumably bitter players, and have been rejected by a guy who claims to be desperate to get out of his situation. He's like a fat chick hungry for a boyfriend, but turning down a date. Way to be Pronger II, dude.

3. Jumbo Joe and Heater!

No matter how stinky this trade is, you have to admit, the idea of (m.a.) Dany Heatley getting served by Joe Thornton could give even a casual fan a major hockey-boner. Or, as my roommate texted me, "Heat and Thornton should be nasty together..."

2. Jumbo Joe and Heater!

To which I replied, "until the post season!" Because, let's be frank, both guys have faced criticism for their playoff disappearances. Thornton's name is practically synonymous (deserved or not, Sharks fans) with playoff goatery. And (m.a.) Heatley was a cipher when the Sens were in the Stanley Cup Finals. The Sharks are bordering on cliche with the regular season dominations followed by histrionic failure when it counts (not unlike my Mets, sniff).

1. Shadowy Circumstances

(m.a.) Dany Heatley's trade request was originally sold as the result of his unhappiness with his new role on the team and dislike of new coach Cory Clouston. But as the months wore on, you had to believe that there was more to the story. Especially now, because Heatley is making reference to some "personal" things that transpired within the club. Did Daniel Alfredsson make fun of his bald spot? Was Chris Phillips stealing Dany's lunch money? Love affair with Chris Neil gone bitter? Something happened. And the gossip in me needs to know. Perhaps Jason Spezza never told him, "youse attractive."

Grace the Norfolk Terrier on... Michael Vick

2009-08-25T19:56:00.000-07:00

Grace the Norfolk Terrier and Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog are at odds over how to feel about Michael Vick's reinstatement.

Word has come down from the NFL that nationally-loathed quarterback Michael Vick has been officially been granted reinstatement, to begin in Week 3 of the football season. Vick's rehabilitation (or perceived lack thereof) has been a hot topic from ESPN.com to 60 Minutes. Some (i.e., the city of Philadelphia), are all too pleased to welcome Vick back into the NFL with a clean slate. Others (i.e. dog lovers), will not be satisfied until his balls are covered in barbecue sauce and waved in front of starving pit bulls. Should we accept that Vick has served his time and should be allowed to reenter society? Can we really stand by and let someone who drowned and electrocuted innocent puppies earn millions of dollars per season and otherwise live his life as if he hadn't murdered a bunch of innocent puppies? We here at SportSquee decided to consult with an expert. Yes, we went directly to a dog. We tracked down Grace the Norfolk Terrier in her hiding spot under my parents' bed and persuaded her (after several baby carrots and Dick Van Patten brand dog treats) to weigh in. Here are her thoughts.

It seems natural that my human Margee would consult me on the Michael Vick Issue. I consider myself an expert on this subject, after all. I'd say I'm happy to do it, but, let's be honest, I'm not happy to do anything. It takes time out of my schedule of licking my paws, sitting under chairs, and trying to sneak out of the backyard to hang out with the Latino kids across the street who feed me bacon. They're awesome.
Michael Vick is both out of prison and an Eagle. So what? Are you surprised? It's the easiest city for him transition in, isn't it? Philadelphia's probably not all that much different from Gen Pop. I mean, Chris Pronger lives there now. He's not a good fit there. So I hear. Do you really think a purebred has the time to follow football? With the paws? And the chairs? And the bacon neighbors? You think I have the time? Pshaw!
Anyway, Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog, who reads the New York Post every morning before she pees on Margee's roommates' bath towels, told me that there are billboards in Philly saying "Hide your Beagle, Vick's an Eagle!" First of all, HA! That's hilarious. I mean, I like how it rhymes. Don't even get me started on limericks. Plus, a Beagle is the Teri Hatcher of dog breeds. No one actually likes them, because they're yippy, hump everything, and smell bad, but they're still inexplicably popular. Additionally, as I dictate this very missive to Margee, the Eagles are playing the Jets and I've noticed that each commercial break features at least one dog-centric ad. Purina! Beneful! Some bank commercial that features some bitch who rescues dogs! I think I laughed so hard I peed the floor. Well, I peed the floor, at least. Don't judge me.
But seriously, folks. Let's leave Vick alone. I think the guy is a fool. With herpes. But he went to jail for almost two years. With herpes. If we believe in the American justice system (and I don't, really, I just believe in bacon), then we have to believe that he's served his time and now gets a clean slate. I'm not going to trust the guy with a litter of chihuahua puppies. But he should at least be able to go out and earn a living. With herpes. Let the man fill his Valtrex prescription and move on.
I don't condone what the man did. Unless there were Beagles or Beagle mixes involved. Or Teri Hatcher. But it's stupid to dwell on it. Let him hold Donovan McNabb's clipboard, for Pete's sake. We all have better things to do. I, for one, have paws to lick.

An Open Letter to the Readers of SportSquee...

2009-08-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Readers... Freaders, if you will:

SportSquee has been conspicuously dark for the past few months and I feel that I owe you all an explanation. Especially when the sports world has been so ripe for snark, with the Rise of the Tavares, the Patrick Kane Cabbie Punch-Out, the Voodoo Curse on the Mets' various limbs, the emotional eighth-grade girl that is Dany Heatley, and the emotional eighth-grade girl that is Brett Favre, I feel that I truly owe you all an explanation for the desertion.

First of all, ye olde MacBook has fritzed out, limiting my ability to physically write for this here site. So, there's that. Then, I moved. And in doing so, found myself not exiled to Spanish Harlem, but able to leave my home after sunset and enjoy the city without having to cuss anyone out in Nuyorican. Thirdly, I was promoted. Which, I suppose, is a good thing. But it's also terrifying and comes with the unfortunate side effect of having to do more work. Which eats up a bit of time. And no, it has nothing to do with my reading the comments on my work on Yahoo Sports. Especially not the girl who said my writing made her want to vomit. Or the guy who said desperate groupies who want to bang hockey players and don't know anything about sports shouldn't be allowed to offer their opinions. It didn't make me question my purpose or talent, or knowledge. And it certainly didn't make my hands shake every time I opened up my laptop and clicked on my shortcut to SportSquee. Because that would be silly. I have a much thicker skin than that. My skin is as least as thick as that rigid, delicious layer on top of the kind of pudding you get at a diner. Yeah. That hard. Thank heavens I don't take things personally.

SportSquee has been a refuge for me in the past, and I hope it has served the same purpose for you. At least, I hope it doesn't make you want to vomit. SportSquee is a safe place. We can talk safely about the empirically good-looking, the oddly appealing, the inexplicably loathed, and Tyra Banks, too. I started SportSquee so that girls had a haven on these here interwebs where we could talk like dudes about other dudes. Or at least like those gals on Sex and the City, but with the sports pages clutched in our manicured fingers instead of Page Six. And I don't think I have to apologize that.

And just to clear the air for anyone who may think, even for a millisecond, that this is a site that supports or understands puck bunnyism, I have to tell you, I think it's hilarious. The horror of a woman fantasizing about rolling around with a rich, handsome celebrity or athlete! It's appalling. The truth is, any man worth his salt will admit that he would fuck a famous woman, any moderately attractive famous woman if given the chance. This, in part, explains why Madonna is still pulling in hot, pubescent strange even though she's scary, has an Adam's apple, and it seems like her vagina could snap your weener right off with one bite. Famous men, of course, are far less discerning than famous women. This is why Jennifer Aniston will only date her co-stars and douchey, well-endowed, college rock singers and George Clooney and Michael Phelps exclusively date tranny-looking cocktail waitresses. Also, Monica Lewinsky. It is a far more realistic possibility that a girl can snag a snog with a famous male than a man can mack with a famous lady. So, I call jealousy. And, regardless, I probably wouldn't fuck any famous athlete with Madonna's vagina. If there is one gift the internet has given us, it's to let us know how gross famous people are when they are not nestled in our TV screens. And, since most of you know my profession, you know that I've had ample opportunity should I want to get my bunny on. But I don't care to deal with syphilis even if a Dion Phaneuf is the one to give it to me. But that doesn't mean that I can't, or shouldn't, wonder what's like to run along the beach with Rick DiPietro. As long as he doesn't get a concussion or something. Anyway, the point of this is to say that our admiring an athlete's hotness is no different than a man opening up the Victoria's Secret catalog and admiring Marisa Miller's boobs (they are spectacular). To think about beach-jogging with Ricky DiPietro is to admiring Marisa Miller's boobs. It is a human right. And we here at SportSquee support human rights.

In closing, I am not shutting SportSquee down. I will continue, albeit on a more scattershot basis than SportSquee's candy-colored heyday, to make fun of a the world of sports. To speak up for those of you who have come to realize how many cute guys there are on the Texas Rangers. To eavesdrop on Vinny Lecavalier's condo. To pit filthy rich athletes against each other in a craven competition to see who is more worthy of your support. To teleplay Glen Sather's growing dementia. To make fun of Italians. And to make some of you lucky few out there vomit.

Here's puking at you, kids.

Margee

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

2009-06-12T19:58:00.001-07:00

Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog's reaction to her daddy winning the Stanley Cup.

Squee-View: Dubious Predictions for Round 2 of the NHL Playoffs

2009-04-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well, the NHL Conference Quarterfinals are over! And while Boston, Detroit, and Vancouver pissed into the slackened mouths of Montreal, Columbus, and St. Louis respectively, the rest of the matchups were pretty damn exciting. Some series ended in spectacular/odd fashion (the soft last second series-winner on Martin Brodeur, Pittsburgh's mutinous comeback, a series-clincher from Sergei Federov), some were kind of painful to watch (what in the name of Chief Brody is wrong with the fucking Sharks?), and some heralded the arrival of exciting new stars (lo-cal Lucic Dustin Byfuglien, mini-Yzerman Jonathan Toews, Avery-west Alexandre Burrows, actual Lucic Milan Lucic). All in all, the first round was pretty satisfying. Much better than the current Cycle of America's Next Top Model. Yeah, I said it. Teyona is going to win, so we're not bothering with recaps. But we will bother with our useless predictions for the next round of the NHL Playoffs, complete with our looks deep into the SportSquee crystal ball. As with the first round, we are forgoing actual predictions and instead just throwing our least favorite team in the match-up out for the win. This way no one gets hurt. Here is our look into the future.

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins (1) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (6)
Prediction: Hurricanes in 6
Crystal Ball: Rod Brind'Amour and Eric Staal will take two days to fly to the Vancouver set of New Moon to make cameos as werewolves at the request to Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. The roles will require no makeup. Chad Larose will temporarily blind Bruins goalie Tim Thomas with his heavily lashed blue eyes. Patrice Bergeron will score a goal with his nose; his nose will be credited with an unassisted goal. David Krejci will have a severe collision with Ray Whitney, causing their souls to temporarily switch bodies. Zdeno Chara will eat PJ Axelsson.

Pittsburgh Penguins (2) vs. Washington Capitals (4)
Prediction: Penguins in 7
Crystal Ball: Simeon Varlamov will change the pronunciation of his name three more times, deciding it is good luck to aggravate Doc Emrick. Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal will poison Tom Poti by rubbing his jock strap with peanut oil. Brooks Laich and Brooks Orpik will discover that they were once conjoined twins separated by apathetic, divorced parents and plastic surgeons at Seattle Medical Center, and later placed with adoptive parents in Saskatchewan and California. Sidney Crosby and Alexnader Ovechkin will end years of growing tension and passionately kiss at center ice before Game 4. It will be Sidney Crosby's first kiss.

Western Conference

Detroit Red Wings (2) vs. Anaheim Ducks (8)
Prediction: Red Wings in 4
Crystal Ball: Scott Niedermayer's face will be 95% beard by the end of the series. Ryan Getzlaf will collect some of the the Niedermayer beard hair from the team's shower drain and fashion a moderately believable toupee from the leavings. Tension will continue to mount between team captain Nicklas Lidstrom and Henrik Zetterberg when a Detroit-area theater opens a production of Mamma Mia!, leaving the locker room divided over their favorites in the ABBA songbook.

Vancouver Canucks (3) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (4)
Prediction: Canucks in 7
Crystal Ball: Patrick Kane will hit puberty at 3:23 in the 3rd Period of Game 4. Those creepy Sedin twins will regularly appear in the hallways of the team hotel dressed in matching sailor dresses and a tape recording of The Shining soundtrack, just to fuck with Kevin Bieksa. Alexandre Burrows and Dustin Byfuglien will each attempt to out-agitate the other with escalating breakdance moves. Roberto Luongo's diarrhea will prevent him from attending team practice, the 2nd Period of Game 3, and his cousin Salvatore's birthday party.

The SportSquee Hall of Fame: Bea Arthur

2009-04-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

No, this has nothing to do with sports or squees. But I think we can all agree that the recently departed Bea Arthur deserves to be in every Hall of Fame on Earth. So we're inducting her into ours. She could win for that line in Airheads about "naked pictures of Bea Arthur" being a terrorist request alone. Ms. Arthur, of course, earned her immortality as beleaguered spitfire Dorothy Zbornak on the amazing, always-hilarious-stoned-or-sober The Golden Girls. Arthur had a long and varied career before she ever slipped into Dorothy's shoulder pads, but the show and the character stand as the best evidence of her comedic genius. No one could threaten their mother with imprisonment in Shady Pines Nursing Home, jab a half-wit from St. Olaf, or cut down a randy Southern belle quite like our Bea Arthur. We could start going into her choicest lines on the show, but we'd never stop! And on the page, they wouldn't have the world-weary, biting line-reading that Arthur always brought to each zing. Or the looks. Just the slightest eyebrow raise, grimace, or fist-bite was enough to make you laugh out loud. And the outfits. Oh, the outfits! Who else could rock a popped-collar tunic over a pair of genie pants with chunky slides and gilded arrowhead earrings? Bea Arthur rocked all that, and a wicked array of scrunch-sleeved jackets. The woman was magic. I remember when The Golden Girls first started rerunning on Lifetime, they had this quiz on the website called "Which Golden Girl Are You?" So, fans that we are, my sisters and I took the quiz and each of us was a different one of the gals. Hanrahan was Rose, Fontaine was Blanche, Devon was Sophia, and I was, you guessed it, Dorothy. And I've never been prouder. Thank you, Bea Arthur. As long as The Golden Girls are rerunning, we'll be watching and laughing our caftans off. You will be missed, Pussycat.

Throw Your Bra At: Mark Sanchez

2009-04-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

[Insert Dirty Sanchez Joke Here]

As much as I love the NFL Draft, when my best friend Graz offered me a ticket to the recent revival of West Side Story on Broadway, I had to take it. And I had to take some valium to keep me from hopping up on stage during "Cool." So imagine, as I snapped my fingers and dance-fought my way out of the Palace Theatre, checked my phone and saw 32 messages in my Inbox that the New York Jets traded up with the Cleveland Browns to select USC quarterback Mark Sanchez in the NFL Draft. Needless to say, delirium took over. The Jets, as you know from the Brett Favre Debacle of 2008, needed a quarterback. And Sanchez is the safe, steady quarterback that you would want your team to draft if your team had been face raped by Brett Favre. We don't want to put the kibosh on Sanchez by enumerating his many qualities, as SportSquee has a history of doing. But we will congratulate Mark Sanchez for looking like the love child of Mark Consuelos and Steve Guttenberg. And if you think that's a bad thing, you're on the wrong fucking website.

Dear Diary... with P-Mac

2009-04-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Throughout the playoffs, we will be bringing you selected pages from your favorite players and personnel, courtesy of the SportSquee Investigative Unit, the same department that keeps Vinny Lecavalier under 24-hour surveillance/suicide watch. Today, we bring you the deepest thoughts of cueball commentator and rosy fanboy P-Mac.

Dear Diary,

Today ws an exciting day, indeed. Me and the crew were in Philly for the Flyers-Penguins game. I love Philly, man. It's like Hartford, but with more Ben Franklin statues and fewer Gilmore Girls references. Monster city!

I spoke with Sidney Crosby before the game. He smelled so good. Like Twizzlers and Stove Top. I nuzzled his neck for a while to make sure his skin is as soft as I remember. It is. I just wish I could make a coat out of him and wear him around town. Nowhere big. Just to run errands or something. Maybe stop at Tim Horton's and let everybody touch my Sid Coat, make them all jealous. After the playoffs maybe. Anyway, I spoke with Sid and he said a bunch of things while I bounced quarters off his thighs. Man, that kid is a Monster!

Then I talked to John Stevens. It's a good thing there was cold water around, because WHOA! He's so manly, that just standing next to him, I finally grew hair on my chest! I mean, for a coach, that guy Is. A. Monster.

Well, I'd better go. Bill Guerin just teabagged Martin Biron to tie the game up. Not for anything, but that Bill Guerin is a MON....STER!

XOXO,

P-Mac

Squee-view: Dubious Predictions for Round 1 of the NHL Playoffs

2009-04-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

The NHL Playoffs are upon us. And while most of you are watching and enjoying games at home with your friends and fellow hockey devotees, some of us are stuck at edit houses where Versus doesn't come with the cable plan, leaving us dependent on listening to NHL Radio on our rapidly dying Mac Books. This year, for our playoff predictions, we've decided to go in a different direction than usual. You see, the Executive Board at SportSquee in choosing a team to root for, always seems to put the kibosh on said team. Our Mets/Jets/Islanders allegiances, for instance. So this year, we've decided to "predict" that the team we like least will win. We're trying to outsmart karma. And that always works out so well for those kids in the Final Destination movies, doesn't it? So here are our "predictions," complete with the visions we've seen in our SportSquee crystal ball.

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens
Prediction: Canadiens in 5
Storyline: The Mafia will contribute to Montreal's luck. Expect Marc Savard to be shaky in Game 3 when he wakes up with Blades the Bear's head in his bed, courtesy of associates of the brothers Kostitsyn. Mike Komisarek and Chris Higgins will listen to nothing but Billy Joel for the duration of the series, much to the dismay of their teammates.

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers
Prediction: Rangers in 7
Crystal Ball: Henrik Lundqvist will play the kind of hockey that makes you feel like everything is hopeless. And will not become hysterically blind at any time. His hair will remain unfortunate. Wade Redden will hit someone. Once.

New Jersey Devils vs. Carolina Hurricanes
Predictions: Hurricanes in 4
Crystal Ball: Rod Brind'Amour and Eric Staal will inspire their team with daily lockerroom reading from the Twilight trilogy. And that Cam Ward will prove to all the haters who thought he was the dumbest Conn Smythe choice ever (like, ever) that he is the best temporarily-overrated goalie in the game. Ward will forego a glove and opt to catch pucks in his jank teeth without the aid of novacaine to rousing success.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Prediction: Flyers in 7
Crystal Ball: Mike Richards will volunteer to play goalkeeper in addition to his regular forward duties and will post two shutouts. Daniel Briere will hide in Marc-Andre Fleury's pads and score at will, with the Pens goalie none the wiser. All of Briere's goals will be credited to Mike Knuble.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks vs. Anaheim Ducks
Prediciton: Ducks in 5
Crystal Ball: The tiny people who live in Scott Niedermayer's beard will score the series-ending game winner. Ryan Getzlaf will purchase a toothbrush for the first time. The toothbrush will be used to clean his cup.

Detroit Red Wings vs. Columbus Blue Jackets
Prediction: Detroit in 5
Crystal Ball: Johan Franzen will hide Nicklas Lidstrom's beloved button collection, angering Lidstrom into the performance of a lifetime. The button collection will be restored when Lidstrom and Zetterberg come to blows over its location and their on-going debate over which ABBA song is the best. They will make up after a soul-searching dinner at the Olive Garden.

Vancouver Canucks vs. St. Louis Blues
Prediction: Vancouver in 5
Crystal Ball: Roberto Luongo will have diarrhea before and during every game. He will achieve this on a strict diet of pickles and coffee. It will be Mason Raymond's job to be his bathroom assistant. Those creepy Sedin twins will score three goals apiece without ever touching the puck, using only their Escape From Witch Mountain-like powers of telekinesis.

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Calgary Flames
Prediction: Flames in 7
Crystal Ball: Elisha Cuthbert will sneak into the lineup dressed as Craig Conroy. She'll notch an assist, 12 penalty minutes, including an instigator penalty for tangling with Brent Seabrook. Mike Cammalleri will cater team meals using recipes from his favorite Paula Deen cookbooks and Jarome Iginla will go back for seconds at each meal.

Take Me to the Clouds Above!

2009-04-16T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm asking you if you know about these things...

As you can imagine, the staff at SportSquee had quite the celebration following the Islanders' winning the NHL Draft Lottery. It involved champagne, lampshades, and at least three sexual harassment complaints from the SportSquee interns. Once we sobered up, we realized that the Islanders have the number one pick, and we got knee-walking drunk again. Now that there isa small layover of sobriety before our next toast to the future of the New York Tavareses, ahem, Islanders, we thought we'd craft a small, loving letter to the mythically talented forward. About how much we're going to appreciate and love him once he becomes ours. And how we'll take him to the beach whenever he wants, and show him where the Hollister is in the Roosevelt Field Mall, treat him to lunch at Kitchen Kabaret or a malt at Hildebrandt's whenever he's in the mood, and take him to the bars by Hofstra University to score some easy tail, or the bars by Manhasset High School if that doesn't work. And we were going to tell him about how we're getting ulcers thinking that the Isles will squander the chance to draft you, or that they'll trade you away like Roberto Luongo, or that they'll trade you away like Zdeno Chara, or that they'll trade you away like Jason Spezza, or that they'll squander the chance to draft you. But, as usual, the philosopher Whitney Houston expressed our feelings far better than we ever could. Whitney just knows, man. She just knows.

Theres a boy... (...named John Tavares)
I know, He's the one I dream of (in an Islanders uniform)
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above (or the playoffs one day, hopefully)
Ooh I lose control, can't seem to get enough (squee!)
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love (and that the Islanders will take you)

Chorus:
How will I know (don't trust your feelings) (because the Islanders will find some way to screw this up!)
How will I know
How will I know (love can be deceiving) (because you could end up like Rick DiPietro) How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat (a prayer to make you an Islander)
I fall in love whenever we meet (on YouTube)
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if hes thinking of me (does he want to be an Islander??)
I try to phone (Garth Snow, to remind him to pick you)
But I'm too shy (cant speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet (when you're an Islanders fan especially)
This love is strong why do I feel weak (I feel weak because I'm still an Islanders fan after all they've put me through, duh)
Oh, wake me,
I'm shaking, wish I had you near me now (at the Nassau Coliseum, under protective custody)
Said theres no mistaking, what I feel is really love (please be an Islander!)
Chorus

Throw Your Bra At: Nick Swisher

2009-04-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

Swisher!

You know that SportSquee doesn't make a habit of complimenting players on the Yankees. Even athletes we've praised before while on other teams. But even though our relationship with Nick Swisher has changed as a result of his current status as a Yankee, we still have to love the chipmunk-cheeked bastard. Plus, the Yankees lost, so that softens it a little. Anyway, new Yankees first baseman Nick Swisher, he of the name that sounds like a hygienic application, had a banner game last night. In a (delightful) drubbing at the hands of the Tampa Bay Rays, Swisher was 2-3 with a Home Run. And then, as the game spun out of control and the score ballooned to 15-5, Swisher took the mound in the eighth (no, that is not a euphemism associated with our definition of a Nick Swisher), and pitched! And struck someone out! Grinning! With his chipmunk cheeks! Chien-Ming Wang, previously the Yankees most steady pitcher, pitched one inning and earned 8 runs. Swisher pitched one inning, and was scoreless. Swisher outpitched Wang! It's schaedenfreude and Swisherfreude all rolled into one! Cough up a Playtex, girls. It's for Nick Swisher, not the Yankees. They lost 15-5. But Nick Swisher won us over. Nick Swisher! Swisher!

The SportSquee Top Ten: Baseball Names That Sound Like Something Dirty, Part Deux

2009-04-10T21:19:00.001-07:00

Baseball is back! Yay? We mean, YAY! How exciting! Enthusiastic applause. You may not have realized of course, because my ass is currently in an edit room 15 hours a day, ye olde Powerbook is on the fritz, and we've been hard at work on our Girls Guides for our bro from another ho, Puck Daddy on Yahoo! Sports (where a few commenters are currently chewing my nuts off, including one fuckwit who keeps recycling the same "teeheehee, I'm just a girl!" joke. Man, I wish there was a kitchen I could go back to! I'm such a puck bunny I really should be kept indoors!). So, we haven't had time to write any Squee-views or Girls Guides for the 2009 Baseball Season. We thought we'd honor the start of baseball by doing what we do best: being really dirty. Here is the sequel to our list of our favorite Baseball Names That Sound Like Something Dirty.

10. Nick Swisher (NYY)
A hygienic flushing system.
"Sandy, we all get that not-so-fresh feeling sometimes. But that's what a Nick Swisher is for."

9. J.J. Hardy (MIL)
An erection.
"So he stood up to give his dissertation on geopolitics and I noticed he was sporting a J.J. Hardy that almost knocked over the podium. Pleated khakis sold him out."

8. Mark Buehrle (CHW)
A large-sized prophylactic.
"We need to go to Walgreen's, they don't sell Mark Buehrles at 7-11, they don't have the shelf space."

7. Tim Lincecum (SF)
Somewhat obscure part of the male anatomy.
"His Tim Lincecum was pierced. I know! I didn't think you could pierce that either, but it looked painful."

6. Aubrey Huff (BAL)
A seismic orgasm.
"That piercing in his Tim Lincecum gave me the most incredible Aubrey Huff I've ever had."

5. Ronnie Belliard (WAS)
Suspected sex offender.
"That guy in the Members-Only jacket is eyeing us like some kind of Ronnie Belliard. Cover your drink when we walk past."

4. Shin-Soo Choo (CLE)
An acrobatic position for intimate congress.
"Ted dropped me while we were trying it Shin-Soo Choo. Look at this bruise."

3. Dan Uggla (FLA)
Person one will not admit to having past relations with.
"Deny it all you want, but I saw that Dan Uggla slithering out of your room this morning in the same clothes he wore last night. You must feel So Taguchi about it."

2. Brad Penny (BOS)
A man who is not well-endowed.
"Come on, he's so obnoxious you just know he has a Brad Penny. It's so obvi."

1. Kosuke Fukudome (CHC)
Mail-order apparatus that enhances intimate congress.
"So, Brad broke up with me, but I have pictures of him strapped into our Kosuke Fukudome that I'm going to put on Facebook for revenge."

Throw Your Bra At: The New York Islanders

2009-04-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

At last, the New York Islanders' season has come to a merciful end. And dammit. They came in last. And I couldn't be prouder. Now my beloved Isles will be guaranteed the most desirable of picks in this year's draft. Meaning, barring some swaps and trades, that either John Tavares or Victor Hedman will be trolling the sewage-scented halls of the Nassau Coliseum in the orange and blue. I can't wait for whichever one they pick to become a storied bust or for the moment the chosen one is traded for a brash, Boston-baked, injury-prone goaltender somewhere down the line on his way to eventual greatness with another team. But there were a few actual bright spots to the Isles' season. Mark Streit was pretty good. Jeff Tambellini didn't get publicly yelled at a whole lot. And Blake Comeau and Kyle Okposo, who share a lot of vowels between them, both steadily improved throughout the season. They occasionally showed flashes of the kind of brilliance and franchise leadership that the Isles are usually too-eager to trade away. They're going to be good. And... fuck it. It's a rebuilding year/decade, right? We're looking to the future. Yeah, that's it. The future. When we ride hovercrafts to the Mausoleum and Biff is married to Lorraine McFly. The Isles are going to be stellar then, let me tell you. In the meantime, I'm tossing a bra, a old, low-on-the-rotation cotton one, to the Islanders. Congratulations on a season well-done. Because it's, well, done. And we're hard at work in the SportSquee Bunker thinking of nicknames for John Tavares. Tavares-zilla... Tavs-manian Devil...Tavaresdiculous...

The Championship: A That's Entertainment with the Staal Brothers/March Madness Crossover Event!

2009-04-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

James Franco WINS!!!!!

As you know, we here at SportSquee are blessed to have the four Staal Brothers (Eric, Mose, Jordan, and Geno) as our in-house entertainment critics. For the conclusion of our March Madness extravaganza, we had them review the finest works in our finalists' careers to help you decide who to vote for. Voting will be open until 12 midnight EST tomorrow. Here is a transcript.

Eric: Welcome to That's Entertainment! with the Staal Brothers. I'm Eric and with me is my younger brother, Mose, and the twins Jordan and Geno.
Marc: Once again, my name is Marc, and Evgeni Malkin is not our brother.
Jordan: Mose, I think you're just jealous because Geno was picked second in the draft, and I was picked second in the draft, and Eric was picked second in the draft, and you were picked last in the draft. Green is a bad color on you, Mose. A real bad color.
Evgeni Malkin: (Russian)
Eric: What'd he say?
Jordan: He said brothers should support each other. And he asked what the capital of Thailand is?
Marc: First of all, I look fantastic in green, I was picked twelfth in the draft, and I would be a supportive brother to Geno if he actually was my brother. But he's not. And the capital of Thailand is Bangkok.
(Geno punches him in the nuts)
Marc: (hoarse, eyes watering) I stepped right into that one.
Eric: So anyway, as the matriarch of this family, it falls to me to kick off this review of Never Been Kissed and Blow. Never Been Kissed, of course, is the finest movie on James Franco's IMDB page, even though I don't remember him in it. And Blow is the only Johnny Depp movie that all of us have seen.
Geno: (Russian)..."Ichabod! What a name!"...(Russian)
Eric: What'd he say?
Jordan: He said that Johnny Depp's best movie is Sleepy Hollow. But I think he's thinking of the Disney cartoon. Because he mentioned liking all of the Bing Crosby songs.
Geno: (Russian) "With a hip-hip, and a clippity-clop..."(Russian)
Eric: Obviously, Never Been Kissed is the superior movie. It's, like, so romantic. Like, this girl Josie Grossie goes back to high school to write an article for her newspaper and she becomes popular, with the help of her brother, and she falls for her English teacher and when he finds out she's really 25 and a reporter, he's all, "how could you do this to me, Josie Grossie?" So then she writes her article in the paper and asks him to smooch her at a baseball game, because she's never been kissed. Get it? Never. Been. Kissed. And then the Beach Boys play and Courtney Cox's husband becomes a baseball coach and Jessica Alba gets sprayed with dog food. It's a really great movie.
Marc: I disagree.
Eric: Of course you do. Why, Mose? What now?
Marc: It's a little unbelievable.
Eric: Unbelievably good, you mean.
Marc: No. No, I don't mean that.
Eric: You don't like anything. You have a heart like the Grinch! Or Scott Gomez!
Jordan: Eric, that was over the line. Take it back.
Marc: Come on! She's a twenty-five year-old copy editor at a high circulation newspaper in Chicago? She went to college and never got any tongue from any guy or girl in her dorm during some Truth or Dare game fueled by Olde English? She actually became popular by associated with an Arquette? I could "Bitch, Please" this movie back to front.
Eric: You just don't get it! She'd never had a real kiss. A kiss of love. From a dreamy English teacher.
(silence)
Eric: I bet Mr. Colson read Twilight. (sighs)
Jordan: Can we move onto Blow, please? Because, I can't believe you guys made us watch that movie.
Geno: (Russian)!!!
Jordan: You said it, twin.
Marc: Sure, Jordan. You're welcome to kick things off.
Jordan: Okay, you know, the DVD case didn't have much info, so we weren't sure what it was about. And when that guy walked in, all oiled up and everything, Geno and I thought it was going to be an action movie, you know. Like Conan the Barbarian.
Geno: (Russian)
Jordan: I know, Geno. Great flick. And then when his friend came in, we figured it was going to be a buddy comedy. Like Lethal Weapon.
Geno: (Russian) I'm too old for this shit!
Jordan: And then when the other guys came in, we were like, "Awesome! Showdown in the room with silver curtains!"
Geno: (angry Russian)!
Jordan: I'm getting there, Geno.
Geno: (crosses arm and shakes head)
Jordan: So then they sit down in a circle, and Geno and I are pretty sure there's going to be some sort of Ouija board included and that this is a horror movie. And then they all laid down. On each other.
Geno: (makes obscene gesture)
Marc: That's not Blow! Blow is about a drug dealer played by Johnny Depp in pantsuits.
Jordan: Oh, this movie was called Blow. Trust me. We even got the sequel, Blow, Blow, Blow Your Boat, for half price. The plot was better in that one.
Marc: Why didn't you watch Blow with Johnny Depp?
Jordan: Look, Mose, we went into the video store and asked for Blow and that's what they gave us.
Marc: What kind of video store were you in?
Jordan: Holy Wood Video. It's the main chain in Pittsburgh.
Marc: Well you can't go into a porno store and expect to get a Johnny Depp movie! How did you even watch Never Been Kissed?
Jordan: Oh, Geno owns that one.
Geno: (singing) "Don't worry, baby...oooo...ooo..."
Eric: Wait, so when the plumber's pants fell off and the Latino houseboy drop his feather duster, the postman wasn't Johnny Depp.
Jordan: No, that was Johnny Deep.
Marc: Wait, you watch this version of Blow, too?
Eric: I borrowed it from Jordan. I thought it was romantic, too. But not as romantic as Never Been Kissed, of course. The plumber reminded me of Edward Cullen. And I really thought the butler and the cook made a cute couple.
Jordan: True.
Geno: Da.
Marc: I must be adopted.

March Madness: The Final Four

2009-04-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

This is for all the marbles. Here are the four men to emerge from the 64 slices of man meat. You jettisoned Taylor Kitsch, let Ryan Gosling rot, and left Chris Evans for dead. These men are what you chose. Decide who makes it into the Final.

Voting closed! It's down to James Franco and Johnny Depp!

Fly On the Wall: A Youse Attractive/March Madness Crossover Event!

2009-03-31T00:35:00.000-07:00

Johnny Depp comes from behind, besting Clive Owen with 56% percent of the voting!

After days of trading the lead, Paul Rudd wins a squeaker against John Krasinski with 51% of the vote!

Hugh Jackman sunk his claws into Ryan Reynolds early and never let go. Wolverine bested Deadpool with 63% of the votes.

James Franco manhandled Orlando Bloom with 68% of the vote.

It's the Elite 8! And you didn't think that SportSquee's March Madness would go unnoticed by our most attractive friends in the NHL, did you? As you know, we here at SportSquee have Tampa Bay Lightning star Vinny Lecavalier miked at all times, mostly now on orders from Dr. Feldstein. If you're having trouble deciding who you want to advance to the Final Four, maybe it will help to know who your favorite attractive NHL players are endorsing. Below is a transcript.

(Sunset Towers, Tampa, Florida, Condo 22E, Breakfast Nook)

Vincent Lecavalier: I tell you, misters. I really thought I was going to win this thing.
Rick DiPietro: Yeah, me too. David Beckham seemed like a lock to me.
Jason Spezza: Yeah, who knew anyone remembered who Orlando Bloom was, let alone thought he was attractive.
Vinny: Well, he is attractive.
Brad Richards: So attractive.
Vinny: Squee!
Brad: Vincent...
Vinny: I'm sorry. It just feels so good to hear you say that. Here. In my apartment. All of us together again.
Brad: Hmm, yes. (swirling his white wine spritzer) Once I received that note from your new little friend Shane O'Brien, I couldn't resist coming.
Vinny: Do you think he can come in off the balcony yet, Brad? It's raining.
Brad: No. No, I don't think he shall. There's a yellow stripe on his jacket. I'm just looking out for Taylor Pyatt, of course.
Taylor Pyatt: The color yellow makes me so upset.
Brad: You see? His presence offends us. I mean, Py. Of course. I am hardly jealous.
Ricky: Let's see your bracket, shall we, Brad?
Spezza: How did youse pick these?
Brad: Well, I tried to pick this based on talent. There is nothing so attractive as talent.
Vinny: And a handsome face!
Brad: And starring on Chuck. I greatly enjoy that show.
Vinny: It's a very attractive show.
Brad: So attractive.
Vinny: Squee!
Spezza: Youse have Johnny Depp winning the whole thing, eh?
Brad: If you'd seen some of his work with Jim Jarmusch, you'd understand why.
Spezza: I have Paul Rudd winning myself. That paesan is amazing. Role Models, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wet Hot American Summer!
Mike Cammalleri: (setting down a tray of piping hot cranberry-orange scones) Clueless is, like, the best movie ever. I could quote it all the time.
Rick Nash: Come on, man. We DO quote it all the time. And why are we listening to you anyway? "You're virgin who can't drive."
Cammo: "That was way harsh, Tai."
Nash: Filling out these brackets is "as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly shore movie." Ryan Gosling is out!
Cammo: "The Ring-a-Ding kid!"
Spezza: Who did youse guys have as your winner?
Brad: You guys didn't fill out your own brackets?
Nash: Naw. Cammo and I find the exact same things attractive. Hence, our matching velour sweatsuits.
Antoine Vermette: That shade of purple really suits you both.
Nash: Oh, go on.
Cammo: We picked Hugh Jackman to win.
Brad: Scoff! Why ever would you do that?
Nash: Um, he has adamantium claws you guys! Plus, brother can dance! Did you not see him at the Oscars? Poppin' and lockin'! (proceeds to both pop and lock)
Cammo: He called Nasher for a crumping lesson you know. Can you imagine? My best friend teaching Wolverine how to crump!
Pyatt: But Wolverine has YELLOW on his suit. Yellow.
Vermette: It's okay, Py. I think he just wears a wifebeater in the movies. It's not so bad.
Spezza: Ay. Oh. A wifebeater--aka, Ricky's wardrobe! Whoa!
Vinny: Teeheeheeheehee!
Ricky: Bwahahahahaha!
Cammo and Nash: SssssSsssSsssSsssSsss!
Vermette: (enthusiastic smoker's cough)
Brad: Laugh. Titter. Giggle.
Spezza: Harharharharharhar.
Pyatt: Show them my brackets, Toine.
Vermette: You guys know how letters sometime confuse Py. So he drew pictures instead of using words. See?
Ricky: Well, looky here. This is the finest blue Paul Walker I've ever seen, Py.
Cammo: And giving a unicorn horn to Keanu Reeves? Inspired.
Brad: The proportions on Andy Samberg's hooves are a little off, no?
Spezza: Ahem. I like how youse made Clive Owen's feathers.
Pyatt: I think he's going all the way. His first name rhymes with attractive. That has to be a good sign.
Brad: His first name isn't pronounced that way. It's Clive. Rhymes with alive or strive.
Pyatt: Well, I picked Cliv Owen because his eyelashes are as long as mine.
Vermette: Well, I picked Orlando Bloom because he reminds me of Py. So delicate. So lovely. Has the soul of a poet.
Vinny: Who did you pick, Ricky?
Ricky: Ryan Reynolds. Obvi.
Brad: Really, Richard? And how is that, as you say, "obvi?"
Ricky: It's totes obvi because of two words: Van and Wilder.
Nash: "Okay, so he is kind of a Baldwin."
Cammo: "As if!"
Nash: "I NOT a Mexican!"
Brad: What about you, Vincent? Who is your money on?
Vinny: I went with James Franco. He was so good in Pineapple Express and then he was so good in Milk.
Brad: You saw Milk?
Vinny: Oh sure. I thought it was brilliant. It was like you forgot you were watching actors. It was like you were watching real life.
Brad: Vinny, I mean, Vincent... I don't know what to say. I'm so impressed. I would have bet a hundred looneys that you'd see He's Just Not That Into You instead of Milk.
Vinny: I saw them both! Boy I love that Bradley Cooper. Too bad he washed out so early, huh? but Milk was really good. I turned to Shane at one point and was like, this movie is awesome.
Brad: Oh yes. Right. Shane.
Vinny: Shane has John Krasinski winning the whole thing.
Pyatt: Is that the girl from 30 Rock and Ally McBeal?
Vermette: Oh, I love her. She's a riot.
Cammo: No. I think that's Jane Krakowski. I think John Krasinski is the one that Zack and Slater used to fight over. The cheerleader. With all of the bicycle shorts.
Nash: Now, Slater...Slater could dance, man.
Brad: That's Kelly Kapowski. John Krasinski is the Russian abstract painter. Not that I'd expect any of you people to have a clue about early-twentieth century art.
Ricky: No. That's Wassily Kandinsky. John Krasinski directed Pirates of the Caribbean.
Vermette:...Starring Orlando Bloom the eventual winner of this tournament!!
Spezza: Ugatz. That's Gore Verbinski. John Krasinski is the main character in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
Nash: "I'm right on top of that, Rose!"
Cammo: "The dishes are done, man."
Pyatt: "Say hello to your friends, Babysitter's Club..."
Vinny: Uh-uh, guys. That's Suellen Krandall.
Brad: Not to be too pedestrian, but the fashion show at the end of that movie changed my life.
Ricky: Obvi. It changed everybody's life who ever saw it.
Brad: Richard, for once, you're right.
Vinny: Maybe we should let Shane in off the balcony so he can tell us who John Krasinski is. He took off his jacket.
Brad: I don't think so.
Nash: "He could be a farmer in those clothes."
Vinny: That lightning is really picking up out there.
Brad: It shall strengthen the boy. You gave the child that iron rod to hold for me out there, right?
Vinny: Yes.
Ricky: Cammo, these scones are to die for.
Spezza: Mamma Mia! Youse out did youseself.
Cammo: Because I'm keepin' it real!
Vermette: I must say, I think Viggo Mortensen could have taken all of these guys if he was in the bracket. I mean his poetry is so amazing. He would have this locked up after the first stanza.
Pyatt: Not against Cliv Owen. Long live Cliv!
Vinny: He is attractive. Attractive Cliv.
Brad: So attractive.
Vinny: Squee!
Ricky: I'm going go check on Shane O'Brien. That last flash of lightning was pretty close and I think I see steam coming from the balcony. See you guys in a sec.
Nash: "I hope not sporadically!"

March Madness Sweet Sixteen Voting: Part Two

2009-03-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Clive Owen vs. Keanu Reeves

Byline- Smoldering smolderer who smolders; eternally beautiful surfer dude
Hidden Talents- smiling; playing Messiahs
Please See- King Arthur (I know, I know. Shut UP. I liked it.); his finest performance in Parenthood

Clive Owen took the lead early and held on, taking Keanu Reeves with 63% of the vote.

Goofball Division
John Krasinski vs. Shia Labeouf

Byline- Floppy-haired everyman charm in a smirking hipster package; (once) wild-haired everyman in a smirking action star package
Hidden Talents- dating awesome Emily Blunt; singing with no pants on
Please See- The Booze Cruise episode of The Office; the Dear Sister digital short on SNL (again)

John Krasinski ran over Shia LaBeouf with 67% of the voting. Transform this!

Hunk Division
Ryan Reynolds vs. Ryan Gosling

Byline- Strapping Canadian hunk with snappy comic timing; soulful Canadian hunk with intense acting credits
Hidden Talents- Tolerating Scarlett Johanssen; singing backup for Soul Decision
Please See- Early-90's teen soap opera Fifteen; Young Hercules

A last minute surge from Ryan Reynolds takes him into the Elite 8. He finishes at 51% over Ryan Gosling. Brutal.

Pretty Boy Division
Orlando Bloom vs. Cristiano Ronaldo

Byline- Androgynously beautiful himbo with swashbuckling screen cred; Metrosexually beautiful himbo with international soccer cred
Hidden Talents- Johnny Depp impressions; accusing Wayne Rooney of punishable acts
Please See- Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, to remind yourself why you liked him in the first place; any picture of a shirtless Ronaldo

Orlando Bloom fans came out in full force to take out Cristiano Ronaldo. Bloom advances with 61% of the voting.

March Madness Sweet Sixteen Voting: Part One

2009-03-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

It's the Sweet Sixteen! As always, vote early and often.

Vintage Division
Johnny Depp vs. George Clooney

Byline- Grungy-beautiful maverick/soulful Method actor who disappears into a wide range of roles; Old Hollywood glamor who dines out on own charisma/occasional Coen Brothers muse
Hidden Talents- British Isle accents/rocking jaunty headgear; sitcom killer/ political conscience
Please See- Depp at his feyest in Sleepy Hollow; Clooney as Falconer on Sisters

Johnny Depp slays Clooney with a solid 59% of the voting!

Goofball Division
Paul Rudd vs. Andy Samberg

Byline- Pretty cute for a funny guy; pretty ripped for a funny guy
Hidden Talents- Preachy, dramatic plays and burnout portrayals; gangsta rap and ballads about controversial political figures
Please See- Go back and watch Clueless (as if you need an excuse); the Dear sister digital short on SNL

Paul Rudd holds on to the win with 58% of the vote!

Hunk Division
Tom Welling vs. Hugh Jackman

Byline- Hunky Nebraska farmboy; brooding, ripped action hero/light-in-the-tap-shoes award show host and Broadway star
Hidden Talents- Red Kryptonite-altered bad boys; Oscar night breakdancing
Please See- the pilot episode of Undeclared; The Prestige

Welling held the lead, but his Cinderella story ends with a late surge from Hugh Jackman. Wolverine claws down Superman with 56%.

Pretty Boy Division
James Franco vs. Paul Walker

Byline- Intense, Method-y, Apatow-anointed artist; Blond Keanu Reeves
Hidden Talents- Accurate stoner portrayals; laundry room sex scenes
Please See-Teen comedy Whatever It Takes; frenetic shoot 'em up Running Scared

James Franco is faster and furiouser than Paul Walker. He dominates with 68% of the votes.

Squee-Off!: Overtime for Rudd vs. Levi

2009-03-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

As much as we appreciate all of the attention from the vocal Zachary Levi fanlistings out there, it's become difficult to have a fair race with all of the ballot-stuffing going on. With the way things are going, we can just hand over the crown to Zachary Levi now and cease the March Madness brackets altogether. Or, we should just yank him from the competition and forge ahead. But, since I love Zachary Levi, I want to give us all a chance to sort this out in a fair way. Thus, we will have a Squee-Off! And this time, votes will be counted in the comments section and not in a poll we cannot monitor. Here is your Overtime for Paul Rudd and Zachary Levi.

Body of Work: Rudd has been a part of some of the best movies to come out in the last few years. Wet Hot American Summer, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Anchorman, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up, Role Models, etc. He was even in some of your favorite movies of elementary/middle school! Clueless, Romeo+Juliet, The Cider House Rules, etc. Sure, there have been stinkers, like that terrible-looking movies with Eva Longoria and that terrible-looking movie with Jennifer Aniston, and that terrible-looking movie with Michelle Pfeiffer. But, all things considered, brother has a good bating average. Levi is newer to the business. But he was on the surprisingly long-running sitcom Less Than Perfect before he took the lead on Chuck. And there was his unfortunate participation in Big Momma's House 2. Yeah.
Advantage: Rudd

Body: Levi, for playing TV's most prominent nerd, is a total fox. He's long and lean with broad, strapping shoulder. Kind of like a less cut Ryan Reynolds. Rudd has a lovely, if hairy, figure. But wouldn't Levi just make you feel so dainty? Aw, shucks.
Advantage: Levi

Facets: He's primarily known for comedy now, but Rudd has had a varied resume. Shakespeare, Neil LaBute, Judd Apatow, Jane Austen, and The State repertory. That's a pretty diverse list of credits. And Rudd has never given a bad performance. Not even in that A&E version of The Great Gatbsy when he was Nick Carraway and Mira Sorvino was Daisy Buchanan. I know! That happened! Again, Levi is a relative newcomer. But his role on Chuck gives him a lot to play with. And Levi juggles the droll one-liners, slapstick action, romantic tension, and awkwardness with finesse. It's not easy to be such a convincing dork when one is, in fact, quite obviously hot. It's a credit to Levi's fully-realized performance that the entire show is pulled off. And it is. And it's really good, so please watch it. And if you saw him on Less Than Perfect, he played the polar opposite of his nerdlinger character on Chuck. He was the preening, snobby Kip Steadman, and he was equally convincing playing the snarky metrosexual as he is filling Chuck Bartowski's Chuck Taylors. In the meantime, Levi should latch onto some hip comedy cohorts or tackle some off-Broadway dramas. Maybe he should give Paul Rudd a call.
Advantage: Rudd

Face: Both are super-cute. Too close to call.
Advantage: Even

Best Moment: Rudd's scene in Wet Hot American Summer in which Janeane Garofalo insists he clean up after himself in the cafeteria is the work of such a comic genius that it can barely be put into words. Any scene with Chuck and his handler Sarah is so full of unexpressed sexual tension and sadness, that the nerd inside of you actually wells up a bit.
Advantage: Rudd

Voting Over Paul Rudd wins!

Squee-Off!: Overtime for Superman and 007

2009-03-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

Who'd have thought this one would be a nail-biter? Frankly, with Smallville's rapid decline in quality and relevance, I thought Daniel Craig would have plugged Tom Welling's chances but good. But, then again, Tom Welling is a major piece. Here is your Overtime for Welling vs. Craig.

Body of Work: Back when Smallville premiered, it was a buzzy, cool re-imagining of the Superman legend. And Welling was the perfect embodiment of the young Kansas farmboy trying to cope with the discovery that he is he has special powers, is not human, and is, in fact the only one of his kind to survive a planetary holocaust. Pulling off such an iconic role is no easy task, and Welling had the right blend of innocence and turmoil for the job. But as perfect a Clark Kent as Welling was, the show kind of spun out into the Lana Lang Hour and became increasingly tiresome throughout the years. Meanwhile, Welling has yet to really break through in the movies. He was convincing as the bratty, put-upon eldest brother in the family "comedy" Cheaper By the Dozen. And less so in the horror remake of The Fog, where he had little to do but outrun CGI mist and pretend to be tolerant of Maggie Grace's shrillness. Smallville is probably on the way out (please? please?), so Welling had better start stretching those acting muscles. Limber in the acting department is Daniel Craig, who defied skeptics by daring to be blond and James Bond and awesome. Before he ably stepped into Bond's wingtips, Craig was racking up a decent list of credits in artsy movies. For instance, playing Ted Hughes in th Sylvia Plath biopic, the killer in the other Truman Capote movie, and one of the conspirators in Munich. None of them blockbusters, but interesting, varied roles nonetheless. And he was a kickass Bond. Kickass. Ass, kicked. And he followed that up with one of 2008's many Holiday Holocaust movies. Brother has range.
Advantage: Craig

Body: Both men are flat-out specimens. Welling has the edge in height, but Craig has to earn some bonus points for pulling off the white short-shorts in Casino Royale.
Advantage: Even

Facets: Let's see. Both fellas are adept at playing legendary, hard-to-pull-off roles, since Superman and James Bond are on the Mount Rushmore of pop culture iconography. Welling has mastered teen angst, x-ray vision, family comedy banality, and green screen horror cliche with aplomb. Craig has taken on steely-eyed grit, seductive martini drinking, conflicted heroism, and steely-eyed, heroic seduction of Nicole Kidman. Now, I'm not saying Craig is a bad actor, because he plays the James Bond role really well. It's just that... well, that's the only role he seems to play. Steely-eyed, heroic, conflicted, seductive dudes who look smashing in tailored jackets. Munich, Defiance, Layer Cake, that Nicole Kidman movie where she had that unnecessarily bad haircut. You may disagree, but then you'd have to sit through one of Craig's other movies. And you probably don't want to do that. Welling isn't setting the acting world on fire, but he's had seven season to cover a broad range on Smallville. Still, Craig does that steely-eyed thing really, really well...
Advantage: Craig

Face: Welling, a former Abercrombie and Fitch model, is kind of perfect. Creamy skin, cobalt eyes, thick waves of black hair. He's perfect. Craig's face has character. He's a little craggier and jug-eared than your average hunk. But his beauty is really in he startlingly light blue eyes. If you plug some doody brown contacts on him (like they did in the other Truman Capote movie) he's just not as impressive.
Advantage: Welling

CW or Not CW: Welling has been on the CW. Craig has not. If any of you have ever read SportSquee, you would have surmised that the CW is a holy place to us. We watched The Mountain, for fuck's sake! We knew Penn Badgely when he had an afro!
Advantage: Welling

And the Hunk Going to the Next Round is: Tom Welling!

We read this blind item that was revealed about him once, about how he goes to a toy store once a month and buys hundreds of dollars worth of toys and gives them to underprivileged children's shelters and doesn't want anyone to know about it. Sigh.

Polls Are Closing!

2009-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

Chris Evans would like to remind you all about Chris Evans.

Polls will be closing at 5PM. We are convening a meeting in the Executive Boardroom of the SportSquee Bunker to figure out what to do about the Zachary Levi Problem. In the meantime, vote Gosling!

March Madness Round of 32: Part Four

2009-03-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Brad Pitt vs. Clive Owen

Finest Hour: That scene in Thelma & Louise; any time he looks into middle distance and smolders

The smoky smolder of Clive Owen takes out the babymaking skillz of Brad Pitt with 54% of the voting!

Goofball Division
John Krasinski vs. Joel McHale

Silliest Scene: When Jim pretended he was a vampire on The Office; "Chicks, man."

John Krasinski took down Joel McHale with a healthy 68%. Let's Take Some E! to comfort ourselves.

Hunk Division
Chris Evans vs. Ryan Reynolds

Most Strapping Interlude: Walking down the hall, wet, in a loosely tucked towel in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Shitty Sequel; "Are you stalking me? Because that would be super."

In the Hobson's Choice category, Ryan Reynolds out-hunks Chris Evans (to you guys), with 52% of the vote. If you're upset, Chris, please, give me a call. I'll help you through it.

Pretty Boy Division
Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Jude Law

Prettiest Picture: appearing in an interview, post-match against England, in an unbuttoned, sequined shirt at the World Cup; singing with Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley

Jude Law's reign of follicular terror ends with Portuguese muffin Cristiano Ronaldo taking 55% of the vote.

March Madness Round of 32: Part Three

2009-03-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Keanu Reeves vs. Kiefer Sutherland

Finest Hour: "Excellent!"; throwing that dude's head on the table at the embassy

Holy shit! Keanu Reeves takes out Jack Bauer with 57% of the voting. Whoa.

Goofball Division
Shia Labeouf vs. Seann William Scott

Silliest Scene: When Lewis napped for charity on Even Stevens; "Dude, you got a fuckin' dart in your neck!"

In a race that traded leads a dozen times, Shia Labeouf prevails with 53 % of the vote. Sorry, Stifler!

Hunk Division
Gerard Butler vs. Ryan Gosling

Most Strapping Interlude: "This! Is! Sparta!"; the rain scene in The Notebook.

It took a very late surge from Ryan Gosling to take out Gerard Butler in the comeback of the month! The Goz finished with 52% of the vote.

Pretty Boy Division
Orlando Bloom vs. David Beckham

Prettiest Picture: Killing two Orcs with the same arrow; those Armani ads

In what has to be considered a huge upset, Orlando Bloom bested soccer god David Beckham with 55%!

March Madness Round of 32: Part Two

2009-03-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Johnny Depp vs. Hugh Laurie

Finest Hour: That ice sculpture in Edward Scissorhands... sniff; making out with Cuddy... squee!

In another tight race, Johnny Depp overtook Dr. House with 56%!

Goofball Division
Andy Samberg vs. Jon Stewart

Silliest Moment: "Step one: cut a hole in the box..."; when he got Tucker Carlson's show canceled

Despite a late surge from Stewart, Andy Samberg held on with 57% of the voting.

Hunk Division
Tom Welling vs. Daniel Craig

Most Strapping Scene: whenever they brought out that Red Kryptonite; those white swim trunks

In a shocker, Welling and Craig are an even 50-50. We're going into Overtime!

Pretty Boy Division
Prince Harry vs. Paul Walker

Prettiest Picture: Army fatigues; slo-mo entrance in Varsity Blues

With the fourth Fast and Furious movie coming out, your yen for more Paul Walker beat out the royal pedigree and hot ginge-ness of Prince Harry. P-Dub held down a tight 54% of the vote.

March Madness Round of 32: Part One

2009-03-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, Ladies. Here is your second round in our brackets. As always, vote early and often.

Vintage Division
George Clooney vs. Anderson Cooper

Finest Hour: Making Jennifer Lopez seem like a real actress in that hot scene in Out of Sight; his empathetic coverage of Hurricane Katrina.

Clooney eats your emo-reporting for breakfast, Cooper! The former Dr. Ross snags 61% of the vote.

Goofball Division
Paul Rudd vs. Zachary Levi

Silliest Moment: "You know how I know you're gay..."; dressing up in tandem as the Sandworm from Dune on Chuck.

Due to some questionable vote tabulations, we're going into OT with this one. More details to follow...

Hunk Division
Dwayne Johnson vs. Hugh Jackman

Most Strapping Scene: Wearing the shit out of a khaki suit while taking bad guys out with a whip in The Rundown; going apeshit on the invaders of Xavier's School for Gifted Children in X2.

You guys could smell what Wolverine was cooking! Jackman end up with a staggering 81% in his adamantium claws.

Pretty Boy Division
Robert Pattinson vs. James Franco

Prettiest Picture: Strutting in slo-mo through the cafeteria in Twilight; swimming naked in Milk.

It was tight throughout the race, but James Franco puts a stake in Pattinson's chances, eking out a win with 53%.

Squee-Off!: The Franco-Gyllenhaal Overtime

2009-03-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

Personally, I thought James Franco had his match-up against Jake Gyllenhaal in the bag. But if Taylor Kitsch can lose, anything is possible. Since the Franco-Gyllenhaal showdown earned them 50% apiece, here is your mini-Squee-Off for the tie-break.

Body of Work: Franco was in Freaks and Geeks (which earns him a lifetime of goodwill in the halls of the SportSquee Bunker) and has the Spider-Man franchise under his belt. And this year he showed his range with buzz-worthy roles as the calming, loving partner of Harvey Milk and the needy stoner in Pineapple Express. And he won a Golden Globe for playing James Dean! However, he has a string of excremental films on his resume, such as Annapolis, Flyboys, and, Deuces Wild. Gyllenhaal, for me at least, will always be best remembered for the criminally underrated October Sky. He has some hifalutin films to his credit, like Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain. But... Bubble Boy.
Advantage: Even

Body: Franco is long and lean. Gyllenhaal is all broad and brawny. At least he was in Jarhead.
Advantage: Gyllenhaal

Facets: Both fellas have shown a cool hand at comedy as well as drama. Franco's bit with Seth Rogen at the Academy Awards this year was by far the most memorable moment of the telecast. And Gyllenhaal's cameo in SNL's "Iran" digital short was one of the funniest moments of last season. Franco has a Golden Globe for for a dramatic role. Gyllenhaal has an Oscar nomination. No, not for October Sky. I was surprised by that, too. It's a really good movie, you guys.
Advantage: Even

Face: Franco's face, though sometimes an unflattering shade of hipster sallow, is pretty perfect. I mean, he played James Dean, who had as perfect a face as has been measured. Gyllenhaal... well to me, it's always looked like he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Lovely eyes, lovely smile, but a little buttery in the face.
Advantage: Franco

October Sky vs. Freaks and Geeks: Ok, since we can't sort this out in the conventional way, and we have to get on with the Round of 32 voting, it seems that this contest will come down to which of the two candidates signature work is more awesome. October Sky is an unpretentious feel-good drama about a group of misfits in a West Virginia coal-mining town who work together to build a rocket. It's based on a true story and is unabashedly sentimental yet never schmaltzy. And when you're hungover on a Saturday and it's on USA, suddenly your hangover doesn't seem so bad any more. It's a warm hand-crocheted afghan of a movie. It's like a blueberry pie cooling on your windowsill. It's like some other kind of Americana-based metaphor I can't think of right now. Meanwhile, Freaks and Geeks was rude, sardonic, painful, and little-seen. And funny as fuck. A show about high schoolers in the 80's is completely timeless despite the period costumes. No show has ever cut to the heart of being a teenager with absolutely no saccharine. It's all embarrassing and hilarious and true-to-life. and pumped with the finally-appreciated humor of Judd Apatow. All of the actors from this show are filling out all of the hit comedies of the past few years, if that tells you anything about it's quality. If you don't have the DVDs, go get them.
Advantage: Franco

And the Round of 32 contestant is: James Franco!

Take it up in the comments. And go watch October Sky to comfort yourself.

Polls Are Closing!

2009-03-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

Seriously? We're voting for Jude Law when he's turning into Michael Stipe?

The polls will be closing on the Round of 64 at 5PM today. Please get your votes in from any IP address you can! And make sure those votes inclde Taylor Kitsch, Prince Harry, and Mike Rowe!

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Patrick Dempsey vs. Clive Owen

Dempsey is all crinkly eyes and thick hair and decency. Owen is all smoldering glares, and crags, and danger. Do you like a McDreamy or a Clive Wire?

Making up for his Quaiding when we were haphazardly assembling these brackets, Clive Owen cruised to a 67% lead over Patrick Dempsey. Dempsey, you got Clived!

Goofball Division
Owen Wilson vs. Joel McHale

The lazy, broken nosed appeal of Wilson, or the rat-a-tat snark of The Soup's McHale? Who would you rather talk shit with?

In a surprising and altogether groovy upset, Joel McHale iced Owen Wilson's late surge with 55% of the votes. What will Lou say?!

Hunk Division
Ryan Reynolds vs. Taye Diggs
Reynolds is that rare combination of deft comic timing and washboard abs. Taye Diggs is that rare combination of musical theatre chops and washboard abs. Who do you want to do your laundry?

Ryan Reynolds's abs proved stronger. He came in with a healthy 67% of the votes.

Pretty Boy Division
Zac Efron vs. Jude Law

The prettiest boy in Hollywood is up against the (at one point, at least) prettiest boy in England. Will Jude get Efronned or will Zac get Lawed?

Despite the alarming virus of fug that seems to be eating away at Jude Law, he fried tween queen Zac Efron with 68% of of your love.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Brad Pitt vs. Pierce Brosnan
Pitt brings the All-American, blue-eyed vigor, and Brosnan the cool, Continental dash. Which DILF is on the menu?

Brad Pitt took down Remington Steele with a decisive 60%. Thank the Brangaloonies for that one.

Goofball Division
Bradley Cooper vs. John Krasinski

Cooper has showed his comedic chops in Wedding Crashers, He's Just Not That Into You and Wet Hot American Summer, while maintaining the blond, preppy looks of a frat president. Krasinski is the droll hipster you love on The Office who manages to look good in rumpled suits and Scranton office lighting. Which sarcastic stud does the job for you?

Even though looking at Bradley Cooper is "like looking at a basket of puppies," according to my friend Erin, it was the shoulder shrugs and wry glances of John Krasinski that won the match-up with a smashing 70%.

Hunk Division
Chris Evans vs. David Wright

It takes a special kind of hunk to pull off snappy one-liners and a flame-retardant, Lycra catsuit, but Evans manages just fine as the Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies, about which he is the by far the best thing. And it takes a special kind of man to smile through all of the Mets' ups and downs, but Wright can handle it. Which muscly mass of man meat do you want to have for dinner?

Chris Evans was able to stave off the boyish good looks of David Wright by taking 56% of the votes. I suspect this is because Wright has never appeared wet and wrapped in a loosely-tucked towel in a superhero movie before.

Pretty Boy Division
Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Robert Buckley

Ronaldo is that basted Portuguese soccer stud you saw everywhere during America's short-lived romance with soccer during the World Cup. Buckley is that pretty, Scott Speedman Lite young hottie you saw everywhere during America's (mercifully) short-lived romance with Brooke Shields's show Lipstick Jungle. Which frequently shirtless tartlet do you appreciate most?

The flamboyantly greasy charms of Cristiano Ronaldo was enough to out-fox Diet Scott Speedman aka, Robert Buckley. Ronaldo is probably took 57% of the voting and Buckley, somewhere, presumably took off his shirt.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division

Jon Hamm vs. Kiefer Sutherland

The debonair Mad Man is suddenly everywhere. And Jack Bauer is Jack Bauer. 'Nuff said. Which delicious speaking voice do you want to lull you to sleep?

Despite an early lead for the Mad Men star, Kiefer Sutherland's irresistible combination of velvet menace and chipmunk cheeks prevailed with a robust 70%. Jack Bauer always gets his Men.

Goofball Division

Seann William Scott vs. Johnny Knoxville

An all-Dukes of Hazzard matchup! SWS is the Midwestern Adonis who can play a dumb sweetie as well as a dick. And Knoxville is the grody-cute prankster unafraid to staple his penis to random objects. Which dude is the most rad?

The Man Who Would Be Stifler handily beat out the Jackass King with a decisive 62%.

Hunk Division
Ryan Gosling vs. Josh Duhamel

Gosling never plays any character that doesn't have some sort of major social malfunction. And yet, you still want to make out with him. Josh Duhamel actually married Fergie. and yet, you still want to make out with him. Which misfit makes the cut?

Duhamel really stayed in the game there for a while, but Gosling's seductive intensity took in a solid 62% of the vote.

Pretty Boy Division

David Beckham vs. Henry Cavill

Beckham is a soccer god and fashion icon with a face like heaven. Cavill is the king's sidekick on The Tudors and has a face like David Beckham. Which cramp-inducingly hot Brit moves on? Can't they both?

In what turned out to be a surprisingly competitive match-up, relatively unknown, but paralyzingly handsome Henry Cavill managed to take a bite out of David Beckham's lead. However, the football and fashion fiend still finished with 55% of the votes.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division

Harrison Ford vs. Keanu Reeves
Ford is the grizzly-handsome action star who has yet to lose his cool factor. Reeves is the intensely beautiful surfer dude who has had a surprisingly varied career. One is pushing 70, one is (gasp!) over 40. Which strapping star advances?

The eternally youthful and perpetually confused Keanu won out over the eternally badass and perpetually grumpy Harrison Ford with a weensy 51% of the votes. Whoa.

Goofball Division

Shia LaBeouf vs. Vince Vaughn

Both guys kind of seem like hyperactive d-bags. But fast-talking, funny d-bags. Which wise-cracking smarmster moves on?

You guys obviously think Shia LaBeouf is money, because he grabbed 60% of the vote over Vince Vaughn. Taint of Aniston, perhaps?

Hunk Division

Gerard Butler vs. Taylor Kitsch

Butler was the cartoonishly brawny Leonidas in 300 and the spectacularly irritating, dead Oirish hubby in the jaw-droppingly annoying Hilary Swank vehicle P.S. I Love You. So, he's versatile. Kitsch is the terrifyingly beautiful and complicated ne'er-do-well on Friday Night Lights and is soon to be the seductive Cajun superhero Gambit in X-Men: Origins. So, he's versatile, too. Which specimen will make it to the second round?

You guys, seriously? You let Gerard fucking Butler win with 52%? I don't know who I'm more mad at: those of you who voted for his cheesy ass or those of you who just stood by and let it happen. I consider this a personal affront and I'm just not going to forgive you for this. I can't. And I shall have my revenge. Oh yes. I shall.

Pretty Boy Division

Orlando Bloom vs. Roger Federer

Bloom hit the scene as an icy blond elf prince and apprentice pirate. Federer hit the scene as the greatest tennis player who has ever lived. Which head of stunning hair will get the go-ahead?

In a fairly surprising win, given SportSquee readers' past affection for the Feds, Orlando Bloom took down the tennis king with 62%. At least he wasn't pitted against Rafael Nadal.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Vintage Division
Hugh Laurie vs. Mike Rowe

Here is your marquee matchup. Laurie plays the meanest, funniest, most oddly sexy doctor on TV, whether insulting patients or furtively flirting with Dr. Cuddy on House. Rowe is the gamest, most charming, most oddly sexy host on TV, whether waist deep in pig shit or milking bull prostates on Dirty Jobs. Which furry freak do you want to advance?

In the Hobson's Choice of the First Round, Hugh Laurie just edges Mike Rowe with 56% of the votes. Tough draw for the Rowe.

Goofball Division
Justin Timberlake vs. Jon Stewart
Timberlake is the new, naturally white Michael Jackson who dabbles in comedy. Stewart is the new, naturally funny Walter Kronkite who dabbles in taking down blowhards. Do you like the guy in the egg suit or the guy in the Zegna suit?

In a stunning and pretty awesome turn, Jon Stewart put down Justin Timberlake with an impressive 68%. That Cramer interview had something to do with this, I know it.

Hunk Division
Daniel Craig vs. Christian Bale
In another tough matchup, you have the laser-eyed blond who made Bond his own up against the brooding tantrum-thrower who became Batman. Which buxom Brit do you want to rescue you?

In another upset, Daniel Craig ran away with 61%. Christian Bale is off somewhere ranting right now.

Pretty Boy Divsion
Paul Walker vs. Alex Rodriguez

Walker is the blond embodiment of American Beauty and A-Rod is the exotic embodiment of American (if pungently Yankee) beauty. Which unbearably perfect male goes the distance?

In a yawner, blond god Paul Walker landed a fast and furious 84%. I'm only mad because now I can't post that picture of A-Rod making out with his own reflection in Details Magazine.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

Vintage Bracket
Blair Underwood vs. Johnny Depp

Underwood was as handsome as he was in Dirty, Sexy, Money, as he was in Sex and the City. And he was as handsome on Sex and the City as he was in L.A. Law. Depp stil looks like he just waltzed off the set of 21 Jump Street. Which ageless beauty do you want to grow old with?

Depp holds on in the Fountain of Youth Wars with 68%!

Goofball Bracket
Adam Brody vs. Andy Samberg

Is your love for Seth Cohen enough to push Adam Brody into the next round? Or do you want to see Chronicles of Narnia with Andy Samberg?

In one of the most hotly contested matchups of the Championships, Samberg edges Brody with just 51% of the vote!!!

Hunks Bracket
Tom Welling vs. Brandon Routh
Television Superman vs. movie Superman. Who fills out the red underpants better?

Smallville won out over Superman Returns, as Welling took down Routh with 68%.

Pretty Boys
Chace Crawford vs. Prince Harry
Crawford plays a prince of the Upper East Side, while Harry Windsor is the Prince of England. Who's crown jewels do you want?

After trading leads several times, voters finally wised up and voted Prince Harry in with a tight 54% over Chace Crawford.

March Madness: Round One

2009-03-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

Vintage Bracket
Anderson Cooper vs. Lenny Kravitz

One is the empathetic Silver Fox of CNN, the other is the slithery rock star of your dreams. Who's way are you gonna go?

The Silver Fox prevails with an impressive 72% of the votes!

Hunk Bracket
Hugh Jackman vs. Matthew McConaughey
The all-singing, all-dancing X-Man and the shirtless stoner who never met trifling romantic comedy script he didn't like. Wolverine or Wooderson?

Jackman? More like Smack-man! Because that's what he did to McConaughey, netting 74% of the votes.

Goofball Bracket
Zachary Levi vs. Jimmy Fallon
TV's adorkable, tall Nerd Herder Chuck, or the suddenly relevant "charms" of a once-beloved SNL star. The one who is on the show that's really good but low-rated, or the one on the show that's terrible, but is killing in the Nielsens?

Thanks to overwhelming support from multiple fansites, Chuck waltzed away with a staggering 91%. Hope some of you had him as a sleeper in your brackets...

Pretty Boy Bracket
James Franco vs. Jake Gyllenhaal
Harvey Milk's companion and Ennis DelMar's true love. Who is the versatile star you want to advance.

This one is going into OT. Franco and Gyllenhaal drew a 50-50.

March Madness Voting: Round One

2009-03-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

Let the voting commence! Once we whittle the field down a little bit, pictures will follow. Vote early and often, and make your case for the candidates in the comments.

Pretty Boy Bracket:
Robert Pattinson vs. Tom Brady
Both have eyes like pretty ladies and hair like cotton candy. Which one moves on?

Pattinson takes down Brady with a healthy 66%! Thank you, for having no truck with a Patriot!

Goofball Bracket:
Paul Rudd vs Topher Grace
Both are as dry as melba toast and cute as a bug's ear. Who moves on towards his one shining moment?

Paul Rudd trounces Topher Grace with 76% of the votes. That was way harsh, Tai.

Hunk Bracket:
Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson vs. Vin Diesel
Both are exotic slabs of beef that do family friendly movies. Which one advances?

The Rock smoked the Iron Giant early and held on with 65%. I guess you all forgive him for Witch Mountain, huh?

Vintage Bracket:
George Clooney vs. Matthew Fox
Both play(ed) smoldering doctors on TV. But which one takes it?

In a surprising rout, Clooney dominated Fox from the get-go, ending with 66%. Back to the Island for you, Jack.

Your 2009 Hot Bitch NCAA Championship Brackets

2009-03-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

Ladies, please fill out your brackets. Voting will commence March 19th, 12PM Eastern.

**Editor's note: A grave mistake has been made. Clive Owen was left off of the list. Please cross out Denis Quad and swap in Clive Owen. This appears to be a clerical error and the villain will be caned. His name will be restored in the next round.**

Announcing SportSquee's March Madness

2009-03-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

Do you think SportSquee's NCAA Championship will come down to these two?

It's NCAA Tourney time! And you know what that means: all of the men in your life turn into sweaty, slurring, stats-spouting crapbags obsessed with college basketball. Said newly-formed obsession with college ball gives them permission to cop out of their daily responsibilities and you should just pick up the slack for their work because they have, like, a ton of really important basketball to watch and fantasy teams to tend to. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

So this March, SportSquee is saying fuck you to March Madness. We're starting our own. Except instead of pitting out, wearing Duke jerseys over our button downs at work and regurgitating shooting percentages, you can dust off that old NSYNC concert tee and start defending the work of Zac Efron. That's right. It's our own NCAA Championship. Nationally Cute And Awesome Championship. Everyday, your favorite hotties will face off in a series of grueling battles that will determine the ultimate piece of the year. And we need your help.

Is there a hottie that you feel has gone unnoticed? Is there a bubble hottie you would like to support into the tournament? Or is there a well-recognized hottie that you feel must not be left out of the proceedings and you want to remind us because you know Margee is kind of a burnout and will probably leave someone off? And we're not just asking for sports stars. That's already been done to perfection by the Hot Oil ladies and their Oiler Hot-offs. No, we want squees from every realm. Carte blanche, ladies. We're going right for the squees.

Please make your voice heard in the comments. We will be posting the brackets and startig the voting, all Democratic-like. And you will vote early and often unless you want me to just hand this to Jay Cutler. Because you know I will.

Squee-a-likes: Cole Hamels, Vampire Hunter

2009-02-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

It must be nice to be Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels. He won the World Series this year, which presumably prevented several Philly-area suicides last autumn. He was named MVP of said series, which presumably lined his pockets with lots of extra cash. He rocks a soul patch and doesn't catch any guff about it, which presumably has encouraged and unfortunate number of copy cats. He's on the cover of Sports Illustrated, which presumably ups his Q-rating. He and his bubblicious Survivor-stripper wife are soon to welcome a fashionable collection of Third World adoptees. But the best news for Cole Hamels is probably this: he's hot. Like, movie star good-looking. He's so good-looking that he's even better-looking than his celebrity(-ish) lookalike, Christian Kane. Some of you may remember Kane from his time on Angel or the current TNT hit Leverage. Or perhaps you remember him from his haunting cameo as a redneck in Friday Night Lights (the movie), or as the smarmy alternative to Ashton Kutcher in Just Married, or some sort of person in Secondhand Lions (I'm not seeing that one). Or perhaps you will cop to having seen him in the awesomely pungent wheel of cheddar known as Summer Catch. Shut up, you saw it. And you might have seen him and thought, rightfully, that he cut a fine figure, with those cornflower eyes and strong jaw. You might of thought that, until you saw Cole Hamels. Because, in a stunning reversal for Squee-a-likes, the athlete is even better looking than his Hollywood version. He's so good-looking that you could conceivably imagine him chumming around Cape Cod with Freddie Prinze, Jr. (remember that guy?) or aiming a cross-bow at a gang of vampire detectives, or hatching elaborate heists with Timothy Hutton. Perhaps, with the Hamels' plans for their own baseball team of African orphans, he should consider making the audition rounds. It's a lot less strenuous of the arm.

Islanders Get De-Campoli'ed

2009-02-22T22:29:00.000-08:00

What you heard, echoing in the canyons and crevices of Long Island, from the Montauk Lighthouse to the Massapequa All-American, was the sound of doves weeping. Doves and my father. Because beloved young Islanders defenseman, Chris Campoli, was traded to the Ottawa Senators, along with that dude who dates Hilary Duff. Campoli, as many of you remember, married my father in an intimate lakeside ceremony, walking down the aisle to "Unchained Melody." It was really romantic. You should have been there. So now the Islanders are short a potential blueline star, I'm short a stepmom, and my father is without his favorite player/hubby.

And my best friend Graz will no longer have the opportunity to call me when she sees Mike Comrie and the Duffster dining on Seventh Street in our hometown.

This is so sad. So sad. Chris Campoli, you will be missed.

The SportSquee Top Ten: What We've Missed

2009-02-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ramona, Jill, Bethenny, and the gang are back on Real Housewives of New York City! Great Googly-Moogly!

The NFL Season is mercifully over. I am no longer traveling every three days and I no longer have to resort to subterfuge to negotiate free internet from the Omni Hotels of this great nation. Now that we're trying to get SportSquee back on its feet, we would be remiss if we didn't mention the avalanche of shit that took place since we posted last. Here are the top ten stories we missed out on covering the first time around, all chewed up and regurgitated for all the baby birds who read SportSquee.

10. Joe Torre is writing a book about the Yankees.
Joe Torre, who you may remember as the Paul Sorvino lookalike who almost single-handedly revitalized the Yankees franchise, was dumped at the end of the 2007 season because he made the mistake of taking his team to the playoffs every year. They hadn't won the World Series in (gasp!) seven years (Seven Years? Do I sound like a Cubs fan if I say "Fuuuuuuck you, Yankees"?) and so Torre was unceremoniously dismissed for then-Dodgers helmer Joe Girardi. That turned out to be a great decision because the Yankees won the World Series again, global warming reversed itself, and the economy has never been better. Oh wait... I'm not holding out hope that Torre will reveal anything we haven't already suspected, for instance his confirmation that all of A-Rod's teammates think he's a light-loafered knob, but such confirmations will be delicious nonetheless. Here's to hoping he confirms that rumor that Derek Jeter gave Jessica Alba the herp.

9. Alex Ovechkin out-Ovechkins self.
Capitals-Canadiens. He may smell like the bottom of a Stolichnaya bottle when you meet him in real life (true story!), but, dude, that guy is so good.

8. Christian Bale is a tool!
By now everyone has heard Christain Bale's recorded eruption aimed at the lighting director of the new Terminator movie and I'm pretty sure we all thought the same thing. There's a new Terminator movie? Really? We haven't diluted that brand enough with the TV show and the chick T-1000, and the tragic downfall of my childhood heartthrob Edward Furlong? Also, that Christian Bale needs an extension on his prescription for chill pills. Me love Christian Bale long time, but that was disturbing. You know what he needs? A trip to Santa Fe.

7. Brett Favre retired...for now.
It seems like only yesterday that I was receiving frantic texts and emails in China that Brett Favre was purchased by the Jets. The Great Green Hope. I was skeptical (read: nauseated) from the get-go, but let the old cowboy have a chance. And... things didn't work out so well. The fans loved him then hated him. The players hated him full stop. The brass loved him. Loved him so much that they jettisoned their tubby, potential-filled head coach in favor of their aging, disliked, injured, once-great rent-a-QB. After which Charles Wang and Isiah Thomas sent Woody Johnson a fruit basket with a card saying 'Thanks for making us look good. Love to the family.' Now Favre has retired, content to live on the featherbed of his own legend, letting Peter King and John Madden hand feed him grapes and boneless buffalo wings in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Unless the Vikings call. Or the Bears maybe. Or Aaron Rodgers breaks an ankle.

6. Jessica Simpson wore mom jeans/Tony Romo is a possible cheater.
The headlines dotting our favorite tabloids have all been about the same non-story. That of Jessica Simpson's dramatic freefall into the Land of Chub. Her supposed heft makes her thinner than 98% of the US population instead of 99% and shouldn't she be ashamed of herself. Only, she's not fat. She wore bad jeans. Criminally bad jeans. Like, even your mom's camel toe was like, 'Fuck, those jeans are terrible.' When you're five feet tall with big cans, you can't wear high-waisted pants. I'm pretty sure it's in the bible. Or Elle. Or both. Check Proverbs or Deuteronomy. Not to be Miss Conspiracy Theory, but her assault on denim came out right around the same time as a story about Tony Romo getting caught cheating on her. With someone in a low-rise pair of pants, presumably. All Simpy would have had to do was trot out those cute red boots she wore as Daisy Duke with some Rock & Republic's and all would be forgiven. Instead, the story grew, stoked by none other than... Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. The fatty's sister! Do you think it was done to push back the talk of Romo's cheating?

5. The Real Housewives of New York City is back.
It's a gift, this show. I love these bitches. A quick primer for new viewers. Bethenny is the skeletal, young-ish one with fake knockers, who kind of looks like the Beast from Maggie and the Ferocious Beast (see above). She's a natural foods chef, desperate to procreate, and the one you'd most like to be friends with, despite her evident body issues. Jill is the red-headed yenta one who shoots off her mouth and then feels bad about it immediately. She's kind of loud and awesome and sometimes dresses like a combo of Cher and Blanche Devereaux. LuAnn is the countess who thinks that a purchased title from ages ago means something big in New York City. She's very tall, beautiful, has an age appropriate haircut, and hates her children. She is the one you really like until the camera catches her sneering at 'the help.' Ramona is the bug-eyed chick who likes to give her crotch a lot of air when she dances. She has an awesome daughter and husband, and is batshit. She's the one you don't like until you see her with her family, but then it goes away pretty quickly. Alex is the scrawny one who looks like Bat Boy and has never heard of conditioner or lavender marriages. She is married to Simon, who, despite the cultivated Notting Hill accent, hails from Sydney, and dresses like he's from Provincetown. They are the feverishly oblivious social climbers of the program. They're the ones you like when they listen to Bethenny cry, and then it gos away pretty quickly. Kelly is the new wife, formerly married to infamous America's Next Top Model grand prize and pruny perv Gilles Bensimon (as Tyra pronounces it, 'Zheel Behn-see-mo'). So far, she seems horrified by the entire proceedings and kind of looks like beef jerky. Pretty beef jerky, but still. Please watch this show. Don't make me liveblog it to make you watch.

4. Rafael Nadal won the Australian Open, Roger Federer wept.
It seems as if the torch has finally been passed in tennis. In losing the Australian Open, a hard surface, which used to be weakness in Nadal's game, Roger Federer can't just chalk this up to a down year. And his naked display of emotion told us that he knows it, too. Feds, who only last year seemed so unstoppable, is officially human. And all the more likable for it. Roger Federer is still the best tennis player not named Sampras, but it seems as if this is a real rivalry now. Not just one that happens at Wimbledon. That Nadal has gotten this good means that tennis is now that much better.

3. The Super Bowl was the highest-rated of all-time
Not to brag or anything.

2. Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids
And it sucks! I hate Alex Rodriguez more than Guy Ritchie, but this is terrible. A-Rod tested positive for steroid use when he was with the Texas Rangers and there was no penalty for it. And since the news came out, he's come off as more of a gormless dink than ever. His big interview on ESPN, titled 'My Bad: The Alex Rodriguez Story' was a study in lilac lip quivering and attempts to look sympathetic through the time-tested art of squinting. His press conference was even more self-serving and came off as more of an attempt to impress Carmelo Anthony and his snitch-hating ways than an actual mea culpa. A-Rod never saw anyone else do anything, yo. Don't be asking him to testify against anyone. As soon as he walked into the locker room he put on a blindfold. That's why he never even knew what he was jabbing into his own ass! (insert Madonna joke) Rodriguez has never been likable; even the most virulent Yankee fans in my life don't like him. But now he lingers somewhere between Vicki of Real Housewives of Orange County and Jade from Top Model on the scale of People to Loathe. Have fun, Yankees.

1. Michael Phelps got caught on camera smoking a bong
The only media more ubiquitous than the Christian Bale free form freakout tape was the photo of the Greatest American Hero in American Heroics, Michael Phelps, ripping a bong hit while visiting a member of his harem in South Carolina. Shark Boy has taken a lot of hits in the media, and the pipe (ba-dum-bum!), but come on. He's 23, there are no Olympics in sight, and he already declared his intent to relax in the off-season. What better way than with Cousin Herb? In all seriousness, hasn't this guy earned the right to smoke whatever he wants from whatever receptacle he feels like? The guy won a million gold medals. The list of accomplishments for the rest of us stoners amount include showering intermittently, buying Funyans, and watching Friday for the eightieth time. The dude who took the picture is clearly a bigger dick than Christian Bale yelling at a lighting guy while injecting steroids into Alex Rodriguez's ass and wearing Jessica Simpson's mom jeans. He (or she) sucks. And is harshing my buzz.

The Girls Guide to Choosing Your Super Bowl Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

2009-01-31T21:19:00.000-08:00

Please forgive me for being so absent in these days leading up to the Super Bowl. The day when everybody becomes a football fan. You go over to your most boring friend's house (because your boring friends always have the most space and food), knock back a few Bud Lights (because you're too cheap a bastard to buy Amstel), watch what is usually the most boring game of the year (because how else are you going to see all the buzz-worthy commercials?), and leave, realizing you have to be up for work in five hours and you just threw up in your hat. But how can you, a casual football fan, sound erudite for those few, precious moments of sobriety when the game matters? SportSquee is here to help with our last minute guide to the Super Bowl. Here is your analysis of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Reasons to Root For Them

Cool Guy: Mike Tomlin
Tomlin, at 36, is the youngest head coach ever to lead his team to a Super Bowl. He is also the hottest. Come on, it has to be said. It's his second year behind the bench, and he seems to be the perfect combination of brashness and cool to wrangle a deeply talented team. Talent doesn't always make for a great team (just ask the Chargers!), Tomlin's coaching style obviously meshes nicely with the guys he has. And he... fuck it. He's hot, okay?

Fun Fact: They're Winners
This will mark the seventh time the Steelers have made the trip to the Super Bowl and if they win, they'll be the winningest team of all time. It was only three short years ago that they beat the Seahawks, after all. And they've had a great year. Successful, but not in an obnoxious New England Patriots-ish way.

Holy Man: Troy Polamalu
Polamalu is a study in contradictions. Off the field he is quiet and introspective and enjoys pilgrimages and gardening. And he has the gentle, lulling voice of Lite-FM DJ. But on the field, he's straight-up ninja. He hurls himself at anyone who moves in his general vicinity, long hair scattering every way, and the war cry of Xena: Warrior Princess. Polamalu has his priorities in order. He gives 100% to the game and then he leaves it on the field. And he has great hair. Plus, there's this commercial.

Comeback Story: Hines Ward
There are a few candidates on this team, namely Ben Roethlisberger, who has had a myriad of injuries, that he loves to talk about. A lot. No, a lot. Both his shoulder and his head have bugged him this year, plus his arthritis, and that you kids never call anymore, and that punk boy down the street playing that rock n'roll music. But we'll give this to Hines Ward, the MVP of the Steelers' last Super Bowl win. Hines Ward is basically as clutch as it gets for a receiver not named Jerry Rice. And his knee is currently on the fritz. If he plays tomorrow, it will be majorly impressive.

Reasons to Root Against Them

Low Point: Beating the Ravens
Just kidding. The Steelers haven't really had a low point this season. They've remained consistent throughout. The SportSquee bunker really liked that Joe Flacco kid. And the Steelers owning of him is our manufactured Low Point of the season for the Steelers. And their mascot looks like a roided up Freddie Mercury. But not in a good way.

Nerd Alert: Ben Roethlisberger
As we mentioned above, the Burgh's favorite Berger has gotten smacked around quite a bit this season. And if you pour him a tall glass of lemonade, he'll be happy to tell you about them. Kidding again. The lemonade is not necessary. Even if you don't agree that Ben sets himself up for a Heather Locklear Situation by elaborating on his injuries, we will point out that Ben has had some shaky times in the post-season, namely the Super Bowl win. Which he has Lockleared about quite a bit recently. And he may or may not be overrated. No, he's actually overrated.

Franchise Rep: They're Winners
With psychotic fans! The Steelers have one of the most virulent fan bases in sports. It's wonderful. And frightening. But mostly wonderful. And one of the reasons the Steelers have maintained such a healthy fanbase (healthy numbers-wise, not mentally healthy) is because the team is so good to its fans. Because they win. They dominated the 1970's and they could have coasted on the Terry Bradshaw high for years. But instead, they continue to win. However, if you're like the folks at SportSquee, winning kind of pisses you off. The Steelers won three years ago. Why should they hog all the trophies? Hell, they've won a bunch of Super Bowl Rings throughout history. The Cardinals haven't won any since your granddad was knee-high to a shitkicker. And this is the first time since they moved to 'Zona that the Cards have even smelled the Lombardi Trophy. If you don't like an overdog, don't root for the Steelers. They're highly expected to win.

The Girls Guide to Choosing Your Super Bowl Team: Arizona Cardinals

2009-01-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

Please forgive me for being so absent in these days leading up to the Super Bowl. The day when everybody becomes a football fan. You go over to your most boring friend's house (because your boring friends always have the most space and food), knock back a few Bud Lights (because you're too cheap a bastard to buy Amstel), watch what is usually the most boring game of the year (because how else are you going to see all the buzz-worthy commercials?), and leave, realizing you have to be up for work in five hours and you just threw up in your hat. But how can you, a casual football fan, sound erudite for those few, precious moments of sobriety when the game matters? SportSquee is here to help with our last minute guide to the Super Bowl. Here is your analysis of the Arizona Cardinals.

Reasons to Root For Them

Cool Guy: Larry Fitzgerald
Larry Fitzgerald is the man. He can make crazy catches in any position and he and Kurt Warner (see below) are the Blossom and Six of the NFL. But without the floppy hats. I think. And dude is always smiling. You want to know why? Because whenever he stops and realizes that he's Larry Fitzgerald, he has to. You would.

Fun Fact: They're smart.
Capital S, Smart. If you read the media guide, you'll quickly realize that the Cardinals may be the brainiest bunch of dudes on the gridiron. Talented rookie RB Tim Hightower was a religion major at Richmond. G Elton Brown was an anthropology major at UVA. Levi Brown got his degree early and then went back and got another one! Labor & Industrial Relations and Psychology. Dr. Phil doesn't even have a psychology degree! Levi can open up a practice with rookie CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, who also has a psychology degree. You know who can build them an office? Chike Okeafor, that's who! Fella has an engineering degree from Purdue. He can talk about zoning issues with Darnell Dockett, a poly sci major. And the grand opening will be kicked off with a song and dance number by Bertrand Berry, a major in communications and theatre arts at Notre Dame. Sure, majors don't guarantee brains, but for a nerd like me, the idea of any of these brutes digging into a set of flash cards, just makes me like them more.

Holy Man: Kurt Warner
In a game earlier this season (which, as you should know, I am far too lazy to look up) veteran quarterback Kurt Warner was asked what he was thinking when the opposing team was lining up for a potentially game-winning drive. His answer: "How awesome God is." Quite plainly, Kurt Warner might be the biggest badass on Earth. First of all, he's 37. Plus, there's the whole backstory of his working as a grocery store bag boy, meeting a divorcee and adopting her children, crawling through the NFL Europe and Arena League to become a two-time league MVP and Super Bowl winner before getting usurped by Eli Manning. Then having such a benevolent and deep thought at a critical time is one thing. But to insert stoner jargon when referring to said deity? Tremendous.

Comeback Story: Anquan Boldin
Wide receiver Anquan Boldin fucking broke his fucking face against the Jets this year. Boldin, who chills with fellow receiver Fitzgerald at the NFL cool kids table, literally had his face (his FACE!) broken in a particularly violent end zone sandwiching. And he missed three weeks (just two games!). His face. Was broken. And he's still better-looking than Ben Roethlisberger. All the hullabaloo about Boldin has been the fourth quarter row he got into with O-coordinator Todd Haley that was caught on camera. Chalk that up to Boldin's passionate nature, and add to it Haley's fiery personality that often puts him at odds with Kurt Warner on the sidelines. Whatever the reason the two got into it, it doesn't matter. Brother got his face fucking broken. And he came back. If Kurt Warner didn't think God was so awesome, Boldin might make a run at being the biggest badass on Earth.

Reasons to Root Against Them

Low Point: End of the Season
Once the Cards clinched the NFC West, long considered the worst division since my third grade math homework, the team seemed to make a conscious decision to make like a Roomba and suck. Suck hard. It wasn't pretty. It all culminated in brutal lickings at the hands of the Eagles and the Patriots. Even though they've looked pretty dominant in the post season, this end of the season crap out has caused many to believe that the Cards don't deserve the Lombardi Trophy.

Nerd Alert: Matt Leinart
Matt Leinart was essentially handed what we call a Heather Locklear Situation. He was handed the keys to a kingdom and he somehow drunkenly dropped them into Lake Havasu. Or he left them at Kitson after shopping with Paris Hilton. Or they're tangled up in Kristin Cavalleri's hair extensions. Sure Leinart's been injured, maybe it's not his fault. Whatever. When you're on a team with a guy who broke his face and got right back in the game, that excuse doesn't really hold up.

Franchise Rep: The Buzzsaw
Prior to this year, the Cardinals were known as a wood chipper that ate talent and majord in haplessness. And they had a looney tunes coach in Denny Green, he of the infamous "Crown their ass!" press conference that shall live in infamy. And the team is small market, so they will probably always struggle to be taken seriously.

The SportSquee Glossary: Heather Locklear Situation

2009-01-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Heather Locklear Situation (n.)

def.- any instance in which one is presented with, or orchestrates a situation in which they cannot fall in the esteem of others
alt.- to Locklear-to engineer a Heather Locklear Situation through clever manipulation

Usage- "When any tennis player plays Roger Federer, it's a Heather Locklear Situation. No one expects them to win anyway, so no one thinks they're a loser." "By announcing his injury before the game, LaDainian Tomlinson made himself a Heather Locklear Situation. If he didn't do well, then he's injured anyway. If he succeeds, he;s a hero for battling through his injuries."

Origins- When Heather Locklear joined the cast of Melrose Place, the show was on the brink of cancellation. If she joined the show and it became a success it would all be thanks to her. If she joined up and the show failed, it didn't matter because the show was on the way out anyway. The Locklear's entire career has been based on this philosophy, with varying degrees of success.

Throw Your Bra At: Larry Fitzgerald

2009-01-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

The name says, "Accountant." But the hair says "Professional Badass."

If Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald decided to can the whole football career, he could probably field a few offers from the folks at Cirque du Soleil. Because babe is an acrobat. You know when you're watching a football game and the quarterback hurls the balls and you're like, "what was he thinking? no one can catch that! go back to the retirement home, Warner." Well, those passes are Fitzgerald's specialty. He's a whatthefuckwasthatpassologist. In triple coverage, with safeties hanging off of him, and a wobbly, end over end throw, Fitzgerald will make that catch. Just look at today's performance. Three touchdowns before the half against the Philadelphia Eagles, no slouches on defense. Fitzgerald is your basic human highlight reel. Plus, he has a glorious mane of hair, is always smiling, and is a student of the game. Growing up in Minnesota, his father was a sports reporter for the local paper while the younger Fitzgerald was a ball boy studying Cris Carter's every move. He's good and has good hair. If you're looking for a Super Bowl boyfriend, look no further (or do, see below). In the meantime, since his efforts have plunged the Cardinals into the Super Bowl, it's time to cough up those brassieres for Larry Fitzgerald.
* Edited to add: No charges were filed, but his baby mama accused him of roughing her up...we obviously didn't know that when we wrote this.

The Kansas City Islanders?

2009-01-18T12:15:00.000-08:00

There's been a rising hubub in the past few days that the New York Islanders will be packing up and moving to the Midwest, following the announcement that they will be playing a preseason game in Kansas City's nice, shiny new arena. This, in addition to the fact that the Isles will be conducting their camp in Saskatoon, another city looking for a franchise, has led the gossip to a fever pitch. This whole deal is more complicated than it looks, though. And as always, SportSquee is here to walk you through it.

The Lighthouse Project

Isles owner Charles Wang has been trying to pitch a new deal, the Lighthouse Project, to reinvent Nassau Coliseum. Wang's plans include building retail shops, residences, and a minor league baseball stadium in addition to the new arena. The proposed layout looks pretty awesome. The Coliseum is located in an extremely unattractive location in a town that is economically depressed. When you look at some cities, such as Dallas and Tampa, where the arenas are located in bustling areas with neat little plazas to hang out in. You can make a night of it, in other words. Take in a hockey game and go to dinner or a bar. Instead how it is at the Coliseum, where you can take in a hockey game and go to McDonalds or get a tattoo on Hempstead Turnpike. Wang's plan addresses the fact that the area needs just as much of a revitalization as the arena. Unfortunately, Wang's grand scheme isn't getting passed because the aspirations are seen as too lofty. The Town of Hempstead is all for building a new barn, but are less enthused about the additional shops, homes, and plaza. Not to get into Long Island politics, but Hempstead proper is a town that fell into ruin long ago and has been allowed to linger in seed, while other villages in the Town of Hempstead (my hometown, for instance) have multi-million dollar homes and multiple country clubs). Needless to say the Lighthouse Project would inject some jobs and income into an area that has been long overdue for the makeover. Wang can't budge on the Lighthouse plan, because if he gets his arena, he no longer has the bargaining chip of taking the team away until he gets the zoning to add everything else. Either the Lighthouse happens in its entirety or the Isles go elsewhere.

Kansas City

Kansas City has been trying to lure an NHL franchise for some time, building a sassy new arena for the purpose. KC is an ideal place to have a hockey team. It's has a sizable population filled with major sports fans. Have you ever been in KC on a Sunday? To a person, everybody is wearing Chiefs colors. Not to mention the bananas college football and basketball fans of both Kansas and Missouri. And since there is no pro basketball team, you have a captive audience in the winter. Tim Leiweke, an entrepeneur ranked higher than Darth Bettman on a recent poll of important people in sports, is the one driving Kansas City's bid, and he definitely seems to have Bettman's ear. Notice that the pre-season game announcement didn't come from the Islanders, it came from the league. It's no secret that Bettman would be just delighted to see any old school team flounder. Darth Bettman like expansion teams that pad his resume. He also like snacking on the souls of hockey fans. It's his thing.

The Islanders and their fans

The Islanders have a very devoted group of fans. And the Islanders usually have a very devoted group of players. They visit schools, hospitals, and every charity event from Hollis to the Hamptons. My nephew H-Bomb had (mon cher) Bruno Gervais and Rick DiPietro read to his class not two months ago. (For the record, he told me that DP has a "great face" but "he's not funny," while "the other guy" was "the funniest guy ever.") But no matter how strong the romance between the players and the fans, the Islanders simply cannot be taken seriously. The franchise has made too many ridiculous decisions over the years. And the delapidated arena suggests that the franchise doesn't even take itself seriously. As a result, the Isles can't lure any free agents and they aren't going to win any new fans if things continue. A new arena will go a long way toward respectability, whether it's in Uniondale or Kansas City. A new barn means that the team is serious about being good. Good to fans by provding them with a comfortable, positive experience when they purchase their very expensive tickets. And good to players by providing them with a state-of-the art amenities. Now, admittedly, I've always loved the Coliseum. The acoustics make you feel like you are watching a game with nine million people, it's so small that there is no such thing as a bad seat, and they have an extensive international array of concession stands. However, the place is fug, has about two bathrooms, and is a marvel of inefficient design when it comes to the five miles of steep stairs you must climb to find your seat. The Isles need a change.

SportSquee's irrational, emotional reaction

Don't take my team! Please! Please? Just cut the minor league baseball field out of the Lighthouse and let them build! The Hofstra students will fill up all the apartments and spend all of their disposable cash (which would otherwise go to cocaine) on tickets and the restaurants and shops. People going to Roosevelt Field will appreciate having nice, outdoor shopping. I was in Tampa the night of the ALCS and Lightning fans coming out of the game were all hanging out, chilling with some cocktails and watching the game on a projector screen. The Lighthouse can be that! It can be like Jacksonville Landing! If you build it, they will come. Please? Please! Please. In all honesty, I'm not sure I can justify the Islanders staying if they don't make the Lighthouse happen. "Because I said so," is not enough of a reason for me to let the team I love wallow in the kind of scorn and ridicule they are bathing in now. If they move, I'll have to make yearly pilgrimages, I guess.

Would You Hit It?: Master of the Unibrow

2009-01-17T22:14:00.000-08:00

Quoth the raven, "Unibrow."

Since the question of Ben Roethlisberger's hittability was answered with a resounding NO, we feel that it is only fair that we analyze his opponent for tomorrow's AFC Championship, Joe Flacco. The improbable success of the Baltimore Ravens falls largely on the strapping, improbably successful shoulders of the rookie quarterback. Once Steve McNair announced his retirement, the Ravens future at QB looked pretty bleak. Kyle Boller, he of the Tara Reid past, was at the top of the food chain and injured. Sophomore player and Ohio State standout Troy Smith was behind him, and battling some kind of illness that was shaving precious pounds off of his already undersized body. That left Flacco, a first-round pick out of the University of Delaware, not exactly known for a storied history of successful pro quarterbacks. Flacco came into the draft a heralded prospect, but having a rookie from a non-D-I school start on a traditionally anemic offense didn't really inspire much hope that the Ravens were going to end up in the Conference Championship. But here they are. And the Ravens have turned in a lot of gutsy performances helped by their freakishly unflappable QB. Seriously, you could pluck Flacco's unibrow with a pair of salad tongs and he wouldn't flinch a bit. The Ravens are a defensive team, make no mistake, but Flacco hasn't cost them any games and routinely capitalizes on the defense's success. That's major progress for the Ravens. Flacco has proven himself a worthy starter whether they win the AFC or not. The only question lingering over the hulking former Blue Hen is, Joe Flacco: Would You Hit It?

Yes: Dreamy blue eyes; has his team in a position to win the AFC; is the same size as Zdeno Chara, with better dental care; is so unflappable that he probably can't recognize those mud-covered things that hang down from truck tires, what birds are doing with their wings when they are flying, or those dancing girls from the roaring 20's; name is fun to say, "Flacco!" sounds like a curse word in another language; caught a pretty boss 43-yd TD pass from Troy Smith against the Raiders; the Ravens are so much fun to watch; is the only rookie QB ever to win two playoff games which is pretty impressive since he was so awesome in the game against the Titans and that he hasn't turned the ball over in the post-season; my mother, Mama Mexico, who rarely weighs in on such subjects, thinks he's "so handsome," my father PM agrees.

No: Unibrow!; seems to be a foregone conclusion among experts that the Steelers are going to win; at least one-third of his height is the size of his head, it's like an Easter Island idol; man can't live by unflappability alone; name is not as fun to say as "Tyler Palko," whom he backed up for two years at the University of Pittsburgh... "Palko!"; took until Week 4 for him to throw a touchdown (in a loss to the Steelers, coincidentally); the Ravens DEFENSE is so much fun to watch; success is somewhat diminished when placed next to that of Matt Ryan, the Boston College rookie who took the Falcons to the post-season with Michael Turner and spare parts, erased the ghoulish specter of Michael Vick, and healed the city of Atlanta; Unibrow! Can't be said enough!

Verdict: Yes. "Flacco!"

The SportSquee Top Ten: Favorite Things About John Tavares

2009-01-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

It's kind of a bleak time in the SportSquee bunker. Every single one of oiur teams has fired its coach in the past year (Mets, Jets, Islanders, Knicks, Garden City Thunder, 92nd Street Y 3rd Grade Dodgeball, etc.), our football team has chosen to base its future around an ailing, so-delusional-and-above-it-all old man QB, and we have to sit through the character assassination of the new 90210's only likable character, Navid by having him break up with vulnerable, pregnant Adrianna, when anyone could tell you that there's no way he wouldn't be all up in rescuing her ass as usual like the Ben Boykavich that he is (MAN! I hate this show!). Our only bright light was following heralded junior player and soon-to-be NHL draftee, john Tavares at the World Championships. To say that we are merely excited about John Tavares is like saying What Not to Wear is merely a good show. We don't have Tavares Fever, we have Tavaresnucleosis. With Tavarespiratory failure. And Tavarrythmia. The only thing we don't like about him is that we can't come up with a catchy nickname for him. And we're open to suggestions, on that. The slake are thirst for all things Tavares, here is out list of Favorite Facts* About John Tavares.
* Almost none of these are true.

10. His uncle was a better lacrosse player than Gary Gait!
If you live someplace other than Long Island, Massachusetts, or Maryland, that means nothing to you. For those of us that do, it's totally impressive. Gary Gait is the John Tavares of lacrosse!

9. Sidney Crosby keeps a pair of his boxers in his pocket for luck!
Sid the Kid stole them while Tavares was in the shower during the Junior Worlds. And sometimes, sometimes, when he's nervous, Sid rubs his ring finger back and forth across the hem.

8. He can already grow a neck beard!
Didja see him at the World Championships? Kid is eighteen and has the neck fuzz to rival Kyle Orton.

7. Alex Ovechkin sometimes sneaks into his house to watch him sleep!
And every once and a while, Ovie sits on the edge of the bed and sings "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," as Tavares rests.

6. He broke Wayne Gretzky's scoring records! Wayne Gretzky!
Tavares broke Gretzky's long-held record for goals scored as a sixteen year-old. When told the news, instead of being angry over the busted record, Gretzky reportedly developed a very noticeable boner. As did the entire world.

5. Tarvaris Jackson was named after him!
Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson's parents were wise enough to see seven years into the future to the birth of John Tavares and wisely named their son for Him. It is believed that a clerical error in the spelling of Jackson's first name has been the main reason Jackson has been unable to reach his full Tavares potential.

4. He doesn't poop!
John Tavares uses energy so efficiently that there is no waste matter left over to be eliminated. Other things Tavares doesn't ever need to do: sweat, come up for air while swimming, or reboot his computer.

3. He had a hit with "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel" back in 1976!
Yes, not only is John Tavares the greatest hockey player since ever, he was actually a famous disco act more than twenty years before he was born. Kid's a genius.

2. He could end up an Islander!
The Islanders, currently having a craptaculescent season, are gunning for the number one draft spot. All of the planets would have to align, but it could happen! Fuck. Who am I kidding? Te Islanders are just going to find a way to pick Rick DiPietro again, aren't they?

1. He's the greatest thing since sliced bread!
It's true. The last great thing to happen to the world since Wonder Bread

Love in the Time of SportSquee: Mike Hearts Carrie

2009-01-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

You have to give Carrie Underwood credit. She has cut a thoroughly impressive swath through the cornfield of cute boyfriends during her short time in the spotlight. There was a much-publicized relationship (and even more publicized break-up) with Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, followed by the tabloid-ready connection (and even more publicized break-up) with Gossip Girl dandy Chace Crawford, and then there was the less-known fling (and shockingly quiet break-up) with that doctor dude from the Bachelor. And now Miss Underwood has set her heavily masacara-ed eyes on none other than Ottawa Senators homecoming king and born-again warrior, Mike Fisher. And why not? Fisher is a total catch! Unfortunate hair aside, he's way dreamy. But I feel remiss if I don't send this urgent message to him: don't date her, Mike! Granted, Carrie Underwood is beautiful in that creepily shellacked country singer way, and, yes, she is a talented singer, but I just can't shake the feeling that Carrie Underwood is, well, a psycho ex-girlfriend. Dude, it's been two years since the demise of the Romo-mance, and she's still on the cover of magazines talking about it, telling Jessica Simpson that he's still calling her ass. And if she's not talking about being slighted by Tony Romo, then she's talking about how Chace Crawford broke up with her via text message, and not about how he seems gayer than a French Horn. Dude! Warning signs! Well, even if I think Carrie Underwood may eventually boil Mike Fisher's rabbit (not a cheeky euphemism) we owe it to them to see how they shake out as a pair.
He: Has unfortunate hair; was the only worthy Senator on the ice during Ottawa's Stanley Cup Finals; is often injured; does a lot of charity work getting children to play hockey; plays with a crazy amount of heart, grit, and heart; is a non-pushy born-again Christian, always to be commended; has the dreamiest eyes and smile

She: Has unfortunate hair; is the second best-ever American Idol (St. Clarkson forever!); often talks about past relationships; does a lot of charity work and has entertained the troops overseas; has legitimately good pipes--"Before He Cheats" was badass; is a non-pushy vegetarian, always to be commended; is very, very pretty.

They: earn 8 of 10 Squees on the Squee-o-meter for now, since they make such an attractive pairing and both seem like cool goody-goodies. But if this relationship goes south, Mike, we recommend you gird your loins for some public rehashing.

The SportSquee Top Ten: Worst Christmas Songs

2008-12-23T23:05:00.000-08:00

Since my office is in the building adjacent to the Christmas capital of New York, you think the Christmas spirit would infect me and that I'd be regularly parading around in Marisa Christina sweaters with glittery Christmas balls and jingling bells. Well, it hasn't and I don't. Bite me. I can't stand the holiday season. Even more so now that I'm spending Christmas day on an airplane to California. There are so many things I hate about the holidays, but you know what I hate most? I hate that once it hits midnight on Thanksgiving day, all music outlets cease to play regular, tolerable music and instead spew nothing but insidious, repetitive Christmas music. Here is the worst of the worst.

10. "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney
First there's the annoying synthesizer. And then, there's the vocals, in which Paul McCartney sings as if he is having anything but a wonderful time. Did someone wake him up from a nap right before the recording session? And lastly, there's the annoying synthesizer.
Better Choice: "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" by John Lennon

9. "I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Some Depressed Person
What an obnoxious song. "Hey, here's a laundry list of all the shit I want prepared for me for the holidays. Go get it. Okay, now I'm not coming." It's depressing as ass, and rude to boot.
Better Choice: "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders

8. "(There's Place Like) Home For the Holidays" by Perry Como
I have nothing but respect for Perry Como. I mean, he launched my hero, Martha Stewart, on his V show, and he was a fashion revolutionary with his deft choice of cardigans. But this song sucks. It's so bland and lame and like it was puked out of a Hallmark card.
Better Choice: "Christmas in Hollis" by Run-DMC

7. "Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)" by Bing Crosby
Cripes, this song is annoying! Damn thing makes no sense. Why are all of the lyrics written like Sarah Palin talks? Why is it equating Santa with Jesus? They not the same person, are they?
Better Choice: "Christmas Time is Here" by Vince Guaraldi Trio (and the Peanuts)

6. "Do You Hear What I Hear?" by Anyone Who Has Ever Sung This Horrid Song
If what you hear is a really annoying song, then I hear what you hear.
Better Choice: "Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth" by Bing Crosby and David Bowie (badass)

5. "Jingle Bells" by the Andrews Sisters
If they aren't using the lyrics in which Batman smells, there is no reason to sing this song. None. This version is the worst because of the odd, robotic, scatting "Jing-jingle beeeeells" chorus that is too creepy for words. Those chicks sound like T-Pain in this version.
Better Choice: "White Christmas" by the Drifters (the one in Home Alone)

4. "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole
No offense to Nat King Cole, but this song is just so lounge-y and disingenuous. And there's hardly a more chilling image throughout Holiday music than "tiny tots with their eyes all aglow." Does that not promote a vision of radioactive children of the damned?
Better Choice: "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues

3. (tie) "Frosty the Snowman" by Jimmy Durante and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" by Jimmy Boyd
Frosty is totes played out. Largely because of the titular Christmas special, in which Frosty seemed, well, retarded. Plus, it's a very depressing story if you think about it. He's created, given sentience and immediately condemned to die because of our indifference to global warming. But, how in hell's jingle bells did "I Saw Mommy..." ever become popular? What a horrible song! Hey, kid who believes in Santa Claus, your mom is a slut! Wouldn't your dad just be chuckling at the sight? Terrible song. Just terrible.
Better Choice: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy

2. "Santa Baby" By Madonna
Earth Kitt's version is kind of campy and fun. But Madonna's version just encapsulates how Madonna sometimes makes you hate her so much. There's the forced attempt at sex appeal, the cold ambition, and a put-on of an accent (this time a Bensonhurst/Miss Adelaide hybrid, before she became British) that briefly makes you forget that this is the woman who gifted us with "Borderline" and "Live to Tell."
Better Choice: "Nuttin for Christmas" by Spike Jonze or "The Chipmunk Song" by Alvin and the Chipmunks

1. "Step into Christmas" by Elton John
I'm not sure a Christmas song could possibly find a way to be more annoying. And Elton John just minces his way through the whole thing. It is, by far Elton John's gayest recorded moment. And for once, I don't mean it as a compliment.
Better Choice: "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses

Would You Hit It?: Big Ben

2008-12-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

Big Ben, always right on time.

I was somewhat surprised when, during the course of SportSquee's summertime community outreach program to help readers pick a favorite football team, we discovered that some readers believed that we had shortchanged the appeal quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in our profile of his Pittsburgh Steelers. Now, we've been operating under a perceived universally held conviction that Roethlisberger is a barker. And that he's kind of bland and doofy, and has an annoying voice. But this wouldn't be the first time that SportSquee was wrong. Let's examine the evidence as we ask: Ben Roethlisberger: Would You Hit It?

Yes: He's a really, really good quarterback; is into motorcycles; plays for the Steelers, a fun team to root for (unless you like any other team in the AFC South); surname sounds like a deliciously fattening sandwich; remember Super Bowl XL? remember how good he was in that game? he was, like, five when that happened!; tall, big hands; has never dated Jessica Simpson; is a really good quarterback

No: Gets knocked around more than any quarterback in the NFL, which means that further facial deformities could be likely; crashed said motorcycle through a windshield; plays for the Steelers, whose fans are to be feared and respected; surname is difficult to spell, especially on wedding invitations; and then the year after the Super Bowl the Steelers couldn't get their shit together?; busted, it has to be said; dated Natalie Gulbis; is a game manager.

Verdict: Not for me. You?

Ryan Lochte is Trying to Kill Your Uterus

2008-12-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

Ryan Lochte needs to stop toying with our uteri.

Word has come down that U.S. swimmer and everyone's Olympic boyfriend Ryan Lochte has finally answered the prayers of millions. Sit down, you guys. This is intense. Lochte has decided to follow in the footsteps of landmark hot bitches Mark Wahlberg, Djimon Honsou, and Halle Berry's baby-daddy. He's going to...I don't know if I can say it! Okay, fine. I'll say it quickly. He's going to model for... for... Calvin... wait for it...Klein...keep waiting... UNDERWEAR. Shit! I just got uterine cramps typing that up. He's going to be modeling Calvin Klein UNDERWEAR! (OUCH!) Now, it's not like we haven't seen Lochte in teeny bikinis before (damn, another cramp!), but we haven't seen him in filmy briefs, artfully photographed in black and white, in any number of homoerotic poses (okay, that one was a full-on contraction). I'd love to come up with some pithy remarks about this news, but mostly I'm just coming up with drool (and cramps! ouch!). And just when you think you can't deal with the Lochtepalooza on the horizon, there he is popping up in a little appetizer of a GQ photo shoot (that explosion you just heard was my uterus... she's done. We had a good run of it though) to ratchet up the antici...pation for the main event. Dolphinman Phelps may have won Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year title, but I think that with Ryan Lochte's upcoming Calvin Klein UNDERWEAR campaign (or crampaign, if you will) we are all winners.

Sean Avery Let Go for General Sean Averyness: An Analysis

2008-12-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

So while I was in Dallas this weekend (where I was regrettably unable to meet up with Patty (in Dallas) or Laughs2Loud) word came down that malignant Stars winger, former Vogue intern, and sewage mouth Sean Avery will not be welcomed back by his team once his six-game suspension is served. The suspension, you will remember, stems from his referring to former girlfriends Elisha Cuthbert and Rachel Hunter as "sloppy seconds." Of course, at the time, we kind of thought the comment was hilarious, but in the weeks since the comment was made, the swell of anti-Averyism has gained considerable momentum. But let's be frank: Sean Avery has not been jettisoned by the Stars because he insulted a starlet who's Phaneuffed her way through the NHL and the ex-Mrs. Rod Stewart. He's getting canned for that remark as much as O.J. Simpson is going to jail for stealing football memorabilia. Avery is getting the ax for being Avery.

Now, SportSquee has, rather shockingly, become a sort of Opus Dei for Sean Avery. The NHL has become even more neutered as the NFL when it comes to smothering the personalities of its players. Although, since most of the league is Canadian (read: stereotypically nice and possibly afraid of the dark according to How I Met Your Mother) or non-English-speaking, it's not as if the bon mots are flying. But whether you want to admit it or not, Avery is the only person in the league who comes close to having a personality one could describe as "colorful." That color is diarrhea green, but still. (And no, Alex Ovechkin doesn't count; his personality is best described as "impish" or "delightful.") Avery's off-ice shenanigans are the only things that give hockey any stake of relevance in popular culture. His Vogue internship, though rightly ridiculed, was written up in places other than the sports pages. His Gap ads were everywhere. His modelizing, Olsen-squiring, and Timberlake-lyrics-inspiring ways mean that non-hockey fans know at least one hockey player. Plus, it's easy to forget that he is a very effective hockey player. When he shakes his fanny in front of a goalie, it may be rude, but a few seconds later his team scores. Plus, he's got legit wheels and good hands in addition to the sandpaper.

And yet.

And yet, the NHL is littered with talented pests who can cope with life off the ice without fashion internships and dating Olsen twins. You never saw Esa Tikkanen in the gossip pages hitting on Paris Hilton at a barbecue, did you? And, as Darth Bettman pointed out, there are hundreds of hockey players in the NHL who can conduct themselves without insulting celebrity puck bunnies. Why can't he behave himself in kind? It's not like Sean Avery is Wayne Gretzky. Should we really be excusing his tomfoolery because he's good or because he's entertaining? Well, the Stars certainly aren't. And all the bad press means that it's entirely plausible that no team will want to roll the dice on him. I mean, Brett Hull is the Stars GM. Brett Hull is letting someone go for being a loud mouth. And Brett Hull was the guy who loved Sean Avery and brought him into the franchise in the first place. That's rough.

Avery is currently seeking vague "treatment" for his vague "problems." The "problem" being the fact that he's Sean Avery. If he's at some kind of rehab for douchebaggery, then I hope that there's a few vacancies left over for Governor Blagojevich and Mystery from the Pick-up Artist. The whole rehab-as-redemption thing worked for Mel Gibson because he was an actual alcoholic in addition to being a self-righteous douchenozzle. And he's still coasting off Braveheart goodwill. But Sean Avery has no Braveheart upon which to coast. His goodwill officially dried up when Brett Hull decided (or was told to decide) that Avery was more trouble than he was worth. Whether or not you agree, the NHL is going to much quieter for a while.