Wednesday, July 06, 2011

SportSiths: The Trial of Roger Clemens

Roger Clemens, circa the Steroid Years

Nobody likes Roger Clemens. Nobody. He's reached a universal level of derision placing him on par with the likes of Barry Bonds, Lebron James, and, Katherine Heigl. And even though we here at SportSquee love to play devil's advocate, quite frankly, Clemens deserves the vitriol. Just to review his greatest hits, there was the time he threatened Hank Aaron, of all people; the callow jumping from team-to-team in search of a (hollow) World Series win; the time he tried to fight the angel Mike Piazza in the World Series; he was a Yankee; the Brett Favre-esque retiring and un-retiring; the revelation that he rubbed liniment on his genitals before games; the reputation as a headhunter; the troubled country singer-cum-concubine he started squiring when she was fifteen; and, of course, the steroids. Whether or not you see steroids as a scourge on America's pastime, there was something particularly tasteless about the brazen way Clemens (and Bonds) seemed to flaunt his use of the performance enhancer. If you'd already thought that Clemens was a surly jerk, the steroid use amplified his despicable image as much as it did his muscles. But Clemens is out of our hair now. He's out of baseball, probably living in retirement in some castle in South Florida, surrounded by his career hardware, trophy wife, and the crippling self-doubt of a once-touted talent in exile knowing he will never make the Hall of Fame for his sins. So long, Clemens. Sorry to know you.

Only, no.

Because Clemens is back in the headlines, on trial for...doing steroids? Or perjury? Or something. I'm not quite clear. But he's on trial. Your tax dollars are going towards the trial of Roger Clemens. Why isn't this just a baseball thing? Can't Bud Selig just sentence him to never being in the Hall of Fame and barring him from ever doing anything associated with professional baseball ever again or something? Because that would cost $0 tax dollars according to my calculation and it would get the point across. Yeah, Clemens ruined the purity of baseball and all that jazz. But is there anyone out there, even the most ardent Clemens-hater in the world, really crying out for justice in this matter? Can't we just forget about him and ignore him until he disappears? It worked for Paris Hilton. None of us acknowledge her existence any more and she's nothing but a pile of ash and melted viscose hair extensions somewhere in Malibu. I don't get why we're wasting this kind of time (and it's going to be a lot of time because everyone who has ever played baseball has been called to testify), money, and energy to sending this dude to jail for drugs that made his balls crawl up into his abdominal cavity and his fastball speed up by 10 mph. This is almost as dumb as when Plaxico Burress was sent to jail for nearly two years for shooting himself in the thigh. This is a waste. As much as we'd love to induct Roger Clemens into our official roster of SportSiths, this sham trial is going in instead.

Meanwhile, Casey Anthony is pondering what she's going to order at Red Robin on Saturday night.


Kristie (J) said...

I thought the whole trial thing a horrid waste of money considering what a mess everything is in. And then the outcome just made it even more of a joke. And now we have to go all through it again in September. And I was so glad to see you hate Katherine Heigl too!!!! I can't stands her.

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