We here at SportSquee hold a surprising amount of power in the sports community. With our cutting-edge technology we can eavedrop on any athlete on any given day. Today we invited tennis master Roger Federer and hockey phenom Sidney Crosby to the SportSquee Hair and Nail Salon ( in the East Southeast Wing, right past the fizzy lifting drink room of the secret SportSquee bunker buried in the wild hilltops of Wyandanch). Below is a transcript.
Roger Federer: (under the dryer) You can't be serious.
Sidney Crosby: But I can't be funny either. It's not in my software.
Federer: I'm talking about your cuticles. (examining Crosby's paw) You let them cut your cuticles? Are you nuts?
Crosby: No, I'm a boy.
Federer: Garcon! Another one of these, please. (shaking a hurricane glass filled with ice and a wilted mini-umbrella at the attendant)
Attendant: Do you need another refill, Mr. Crosby?
Crosby: (holding out his empty jar of Tiger Balm) Yes, please.
Federer: So, Sidney (crossing his legs and returning Cosmopolitan Magazine to its place on the magazine rack) if I may call you Sidney, of course. Tell me, what products to you use?
Crosby: Reebok, Tim Horton's, Gatorade, sometimes I have to use Norton Anti-virus on my hard drive. You wouldn't believe how many times the Capitals have tried to knock me out by putting a virus in my system!
Federer: No, no, no. I'm talking about your hair. What kind of products do you use in your hair? It's so... (runs both hands through it)...so silky.
Crosby: (stares blankly)
Federer: Here, feel mine. (takes Crosby's hands and runs them through his hair) It's excellent, isn't it?
Crosby: It feels like Madame Lemieux's winter coat.
Federer: Merci.
Crosby: (stares blankly)
Federer: I use my own special blend of products. And I change them out every three days to avoid build up. And, that smell you're probably wondering about? Just a touch of lavender oil. Keeps my ends shiny and keeps me smelling fresh all day.
Crosby: Sometimes, at practice, I get really warm. And I squirt water in my face to cool off. And it gets in my hair.
Federer: (smiles politely and takes his new drink from the attendant)
Crosby: (stares blankly)
Federer: (smiles politely)
Crosby: (stares blankly)
Federer: (draining his drink and patting Crosby's cheek) Oh, oh, what's this? This skin! (caressing Crosby's cheek) Mon Dieu, it's like velvet...
Crosby: (smiles politely)
Federer: And I thought I had nice skin... Here, feel mine.
Crosby: It feels like the Persian cat that lives under the piano at the Lemieux's house.
Federer: (smiles politely)
Crosby: Her name is Jaromir.
Federer: (smiles politely)
Crosby: She's not very nice.
Federer: Tell me, what do you use to keep your skin so lovely.
Crosby: (smiles politely)
Federer: Surely you must use a battery of lotions and potions to maintain such a creamy complexion.
Crosby: Sometimes, when I eat Timbits, I eat them fast. And I get frosting all over my face.
Federer: (smiles politely)
Crosby: Sometimes its jelly.
Federer: I had all of sweat glands removed. Keeps my pH levels perfectly calibrated.
Crosby: (stares blankly)
Federer: And I've been developing a skincare line with Ramona from Real Housewives of New York City... You'd like her; she's fun.
Crosby: (smiles politely)
Federer: Take a sample. You just dot a few drops around your eyes, down your cheekbones and under you chin and voila! The skin of a Wimbledon champion! (hands Crosby a vial)
Crosby: Thank you.
(Mario Lemieux enters and seizes the vial immediately)
Mario Lemieux: I'll be taking that. Computer viruses come in all shapes and sizes, Cynthia.
Federer: Relax, Mario (opening up a fresh Marie Claire magazine). It's just a sample from my new skincare line. Why would I want to crash the boy's hard drive, anyway? I'm too busy trying to poison Rafael Nadal.
Lemieux: (smiles politely)
Federer: That was a joke. Anyway, keep it, it's going to retail for $40 an ounce.
Lemieux: Well, then, thank you, Roger. (scoops Crosby into his arms) Well, we'd better be getting back. Thanks, again. Cynthia wave goodbye to your new friend. (Crosby waves feebly as Lemieux carries him away)
Federer: You can come out now.
(Alex Ovechkin emerges from behind the salon's heavy drapes)
Alex Ovechkin: Did he take the vial?
Federer: Of course he did. A vial full of magnetic lotion sure to short out is hard drive!
Ovechkin: I can't thank you enough for doing this for me.
Federer: But of course. It's the least I could do after I beat you so badly in the Sexy 16. Besides, we have an agreement, don't we?
Ovechkin: I've already lace Nadal's pirate pants with a powerful sedative. He'll never know what hit him.
(the two laugh maniacally)
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