We here at SportSquee command an alarming amount of power in the sports community. And our cutting edge, revolutionary technology allows us to eavesdrop on any athlete on any given day. Today, we invited Jordan Staal and Ryan Lochte to the SportSquee Art Studio (in the South Northwest wing of the secret SportSquee bunker buried in the wilds of Wyandanch) while our microphones listened in. Below is a transcript.
Ryan Lochte: Hey, Jordan. Whatcha working on?
Jordan Staal: It's a surprise.
Lochte: Oh, so is mine. What is your friend working on?
Staal: That's not my friend. That's my twin brother, Geno.
Evgeni Malkin: (sullenly) Russian... Russian... Russian
Staal: (giggles) That's our secret twin language. Only Geno and I, and Russian people can understand it.
Lochte: What did he say?
Staal: He said he's doing a painting of Shaun White getting boarded by Alex Ovechkin.
Lochte: Lemme see! (Geno shows him) Oh no! Oh no, that is really graphic, Geno. I mean, really graphic. (dry heaves)
Lochte: You know, Jordan. You and I aren't so different. We both make our living on water. Well, I swim in water and you skate on frozen water.
Staal: No I don't, I skate on ice. Geno, can you believe this guy?
Malkin: Russian... Russian (snickers)
Lochte: What'd he say?
Staal: Oh, nothing. He said you were a really smart guy.
Lochte: (touched) Thanks, Geno.
Malkin: Russian... Russian...
Staal: Hahaha...write that one down, Geno.
Lochte: As I was saying, we're a lot alike, Jordan. We both have great hair.
Staal: Yes, we both have...hair.
Lochte: We both wear grillz when we feel like it.
Staal: You're right, Geno. He's got me on that one.
Lochte: We're both very close to guys that can't keep their mouths closed. You have your twin brother Geno. And I have Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps: (at a nearby table finger-painting) Hey guyth. Whath up? I'm Michael Phelpth and I'm painting with my fingerth.
Staal: (nodding) Phelps. We meet again.
Malkin: (narrows eyes)
Lochte: Whatcha painting, Phelps?
Phelps: Ith a picture of my mom and my thithterth in front of a Chico'th, with my gold medalth. I'm painting with my fingerth.
Lochte: It's really nice, Phelps.
Malkin: (narrows eyes)
Staal: Are you almost done with your sculpture, Lochte?
Lochte: Almost. Can you pass me that bit of clay?
Lochte: A little of this... a little of that...
Staal: Geez, Geno. He's almost as slow at sculpting as he is at the 400m backstroke.
Staal: (sitting on Geno's lap) Yeah, I could use a nap, too. You want ribs tonight?
Lochte: I'm done. Wanna see?
Staal: Let's show each other on the count of three...
Both: It's a weener!
Lochte: Wait, you did a weener?
Staal: Of course I did a weener! It's Mario Lemieux's weener.
Lochte: I did Mark Spitz's weener.
(they stare at each other)
(Phelps and Malkin stare at them, mouths open)
Lochte: (putting in his grillz) As I said, Jordan. You and I are not that different.
Staal: (putting in his own grillz) No. No, I suppose we aren't.