(m.a.) Dany Heatley a Shark, Also a Tool

I'm sad to say: "You suck, sir."

So it has come to pass that obscenely talented winger (my annoying) Dany Heatley has been mercifully granted a trade from the Ottawa Senators to the San Jose Sharks, bringing his extended testicle squeeze of Bryan Murray to a mostly bloodless end. The lambs sacrificed on (m.a.) Heatley's altar of discontent are Milan Michalek, Jonathan Cheechoo, and a future 2nd Round pick. This whole soap opera has made (m.a.) Heatley look like the USS Massengill, Space Station of the Doucherockets. This is sad for many reason, not the least of which is my own passionate past with the Bowie-eyed goal machine. Let's take a look at the ways in which this whole thing has sucked.

10. His history

Let's just go ahead and call a spade a spade. (m.a.)Heatley really didn't have much room for error once he got to Ottawa. With his accident and subsequent trade request in Atlanta, most people seemed to accept that the guy had demons he needed to escape from in Atlanta. Though some thought he essentially got away with something you or I would have been jailed over. Ottawa really gave him a clean slate to move ahead with his life, especially on a team as imperically talented as the Senators, and a town as hockey-savvy as Ottawa. Now, people are ripe to drink the Haterade, swish it around, and spit it back in his face. Whether it's true or not, it can certainly look like he's squandered a fresh start on a wildly talented team in which he was given an opportunity to flourish. The bad driving jokes are going to increase tenfold.

9. His tooth

I still miss the pirate smile. Not over it.

8. Cheechoo!

I think most seeing, hearing, feeling people can agree the Jonathan Cheechoo is an adorable cocker spaniel puppy of a guy. He's from a town next to where Santa Claus lives, where everyone makes mooses (meese?), and when he went to sleep every night as a child, to the sound of polar bears doing it, he dreamed of being a San Jose Shark. His dream came true in a big way, with a Rocket Richard Trophy to show for it, courtesy of Joe Thornton's freakish passing ability. He hasn't delivered nearly as much since his Rocket year, but he's nonetheless been a good, hard-nosed player. A player who has been ripped from the arms of his maker and dream team. It's sad. All that said, Cheechoo could very well develop chemistry with Jason Spezza, who is only slightly less heralded as a disher than Thornton. Also, he attractive and might find himself with a new best friend.

7. It's Uneven

The truth is, unless the Senators received Joe Thornton himself, or a clonable zygote of Pavel Bure, this trade was going to be lopsided. Cheechoo and Michalek are solid players, but (m.a.) Heatley is a top ten player. He can pass and shoot like a laser. While he's no Datsyuk, he is defensively responsible when the situation calls for it (like when Alfredsson was out all that time and he saw his ice time go up). And he's a hearty motherfucker, isn't he? He's rarely injured. Not even a devastating car wreck could keep him out of the game for long. And he's half-blind, remember, but still scoring 40-50 goals per season. That's kind of ridiculous. The Sens got hosed.

6. Me and (my beloved)

Freaders of sportSquee know that (m.a.) Dany Heatley was my original and most severe hockey crush. With the hair that made him look like an extra from Breakin', the missing front tooth, and the mismatched eyes, Heater was my hockey husband. As time went on, we grew apart. Also, he started balding, got regular haircuts, and had his tooth fixed. And I moved on. But just like the middle school boyfriend I occasionally see dealing meth by the 7-11, it saddens me to think that someone I so fervently supported has so thoroughly disgusted me.

5. Jay Cutler

Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler was the other star who requested a trade this year (coincidentally, he is also one of my most shameful and inexplicable long-term crushes). In his situation, a new coach, Josh McDaniels, was brought into the organization and immediately tried to trade him away for a career second-string quarterback, Matt Cassel. This venture failed, but word got out in the press. And Cutler, who is a real-deal franchise quarterback, was rightfully disturbed that his new coach would try to trade him at all, let alone for a guy who hadn't started a game between high school and the moment when Tom Brady's knee was crushed. Thus, Cutler requested a trade. And even though Cutler has since gone out of his way to prove what an asshat he is in the press, that was a warranted trade request. And it puts Heatley's complaints in a different light. Heatley wasn't essentially betrayed by his coach, he had his ice time cut. He was moved on the power play. That's part of being on a team. You know what Steve Yzerman did when his ice time got cut? He played the shit out of his new role and became the model of a two-way player. That's what the best players do.

4. Edmonton

Add the City of Champions to the list of geographic locations that hate his guts. (m.a.) Heatley requested a trade and was granted a trade, to Edmonton. Headed to Ottawa in exchange were Andrew Cogliano, Ladislav Smid, and Dustin Pennersquee (remember that guy?). Yes, a good trade, a fine trade, just like (m.a.) Dany Heatley requested. And then (m.a.) Dany Heatley decides to use his no-trade clause to block the trade that he himself had requested. So the body count includes Cogliano, Smid, and Pennersquee, who now know that their team considers them expendable, and the Oilers organization, who have three presumably bitter players, and have been rejected by a guy who claims to be desperate to get out of his situation. He's like a fat chick hungry for a boyfriend, but turning down a date. Way to be Pronger II, dude.

3. Jumbo Joe and Heater!

No matter how stinky this trade is, you have to admit, the idea of (m.a.) Dany Heatley getting served by Joe Thornton could give even a casual fan a major hockey-boner. Or, as my roommate texted me, "Heat and Thornton should be nasty together..."

2. Jumbo Joe and Heater!

To which I replied, "until the post season!" Because, let's be frank, both guys have faced criticism for their playoff disappearances. Thornton's name is practically synonymous (deserved or not, Sharks fans) with playoff goatery. And (m.a.) Heatley was a cipher when the Sens were in the Stanley Cup Finals. The Sharks are bordering on cliche with the regular season dominations followed by histrionic failure when it counts (not unlike my Mets, sniff).

1. Shadowy Circumstances

(m.a.) Dany Heatley's trade request was originally sold as the result of his unhappiness with his new role on the team and dislike of new coach Cory Clouston. But as the months wore on, you had to believe that there was more to the story. Especially now, because Heatley is making reference to some "personal" things that transpired within the club. Did Daniel Alfredsson make fun of his bald spot? Was Chris Phillips stealing Dany's lunch money? Love affair with Chris Neil gone bitter? Something happened. And the gossip in me needs to know. Perhaps Jason Spezza never told him, "youse attractive."