The Girls Guide to Football: Understanding the Terrible Misadventures of Plaxico Burress

Learn from Scott Scanlon and Plaxico Burress, you guys. Learn from them.

In case you've been living under a rock (or caught stumbling through the endless treadmill of the Minneapolis, Chicago, and San Diego airports in my case), New York Giants star wide receiver Plaxico Burress has a ridiculous name. Also, he found himself with a gunshot wound in his leg Friday night. The story is all over the news and sports sites and the folks who hand out the Darwin Awards, so information is difficult to sit through especially for those SportSquee fans new to football. Here is a handy-dandy guide to what the fuck happened, the potential fallout, the significance of the incident, and our conspiracy theories.

What the Fuck Happened: So, Burress was supposedly out (in my hood, Harlem, or Midtown East, depending on what time of day you ask him) with teammates Ahmad Bradshaw (who is already under the Giants' disciplinary thumb for past indiscretions) and awesome team leader Antonio Pierce. The released story is that Burress was carrying an unlicensed gun in his pocket, for protection since he had no fullback to block for him while clubbing, and neglected to turn on the safety. No, Burress did not go to the University of Miami. While Burress was both maxing and relaxing, a fellow clubgoer noticed that Burress's firearm was starting to fall out of his pants pocket. Burress went to re-sheath the gun to the security of his khakis, and it went off, firing through his thigh and into the booth behind them. From here, it gets even sketchier. Burress was then brought to a hospital where he was treated for the non-life-threatening injury. However, his wound was not reported to the police, as is required for all gunshot wounds in New York state. Meanwhile, back in Harlem/Midtown, Antonio Pierce grabbed the gun and hid it where no one would ever find it. In his glove compartment. No, Antonio Pierce did not go to Miami. Pierce has since continued to co-operate with authorities (meaning, telling the same story as Burress) and thus, doesn't seem to be facing any legal problems as a result. Burress was already out for Sunday's game against the Redskins with a hamstring injury, and the Giants won handily without him. On Monday, Burress turned himself in to police, posed for what we can assume are less-than-humorous mugshots, and posted his $100,000 bail.

The Potential Fallout: Burress has been arraigned on two weapons charges, potentially facing a mandatory sentence of 3 1/2 to 15 years in jail. He was carrying an unlicensed gun, without a concealed weapons permit, remember. New York mayor and noted Jets fan Michael Bloomberg has publicly stated that Burress will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Since the Giants are currently the best team in football and seem like they'll repeat for the Super Bowl, one should wonder if the Jets fail to make the playoffs, that a jealous Bloomberg may make good on that statement. Pierce seems to be in the clear since he seems to be the most forthcoming of the bunch when it comes to co-operating with the police. Though, this is hardly a ringing endorsement. The most crucial issue seems to be that of Burress's bank account. Burress held out for a gigantic contract this summer and received it. However, it was not guaranteed money. Now if the Giants decide to cut him loose, he stands to lose about $23-35 million. And it's very possible the Giants will cut the cord. Burress has long been a disturber of the peace in the Giants locker room, form his refusal to participate in off-season workouts with lovably befuddled Eli Manning, to his multiple suspensions for missing meetings, to the very ugly contract hold-out over the summer.

Significance: Burress is an extremely talented wide receiver who has almost magical chemistry with Eli Manning. Their stats as a quarterback/receiver duo is one of the top in the league. Whether the Giants keep him or he goes to another team, how can he mentally and emotionally recover from a shit storm this big? And physically, how is a through-and-through thigh wound going to affect his game? Aside from this, it's all pretty funny. Burress is kind of a douche. And if we are to believe he actually shot himself in the leg by accident, he is also a major dummy.

Conspiracy Theories: There is no way that I even remotely believe that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg. I think someone shot him. As idiotic as an accidentally self-inflicted gunshot wound is, why would people go to such lengths to cover it up? Who the hell stick a gun down his pants with no safety? Who has ever gone around a safety-less gun after that episode of Beverly Hills 90210 when Scott accidentally shot himself in front of David Silver and bled to death "on his mother's Persian rug!" No one, that's who. I have whole theory that's equal parts unfounded, imaginative, and wildly speculative, that cannot be published here for legal reasons, much like my JonBenet Ramsey theories (call me, FBI!). But needless to say, this story has only gotten harder to swallow as more details have been revealed. Or maybe he's tryingto avoid the draft. Whatever.

UPDATE!!: Plaxico Burress has been placed on injured reserve, effectively ending his season and the NFL has issued an official four-game suspension. A four game suspension for discharging and unlicensed, unregistered weapon in public. Meanwhile, several players including Pat Williams, Kevin Wiliams, and Deuce McAllister were suspended for SIX games for taking StarCaps. StarCaps are essentially a diet pill you could probably find in your grandma's cabinet (okay, I did already) that have a diuretic ingredient that was unlisted on the bottle. Four games for guns, six games for diet pills. Did Roger Goodell fail math? Does he know that six is more than four? Has he been asking Gary Bettman for advice?