Fly on the Wall: A Youse Attractive Summer Vacation Special

The hockey season is approaching. Thank the heavens. And SportSquee, as always, was there to find out what your favorite hockey players were doing in the off-season. As per usual, we had Vinny Lecavalier miked at all times. The following is a partial transcript of his summer vacation.

(Hills Beach, Maine, three beach chairs)

Jason Spezza: Man, I am so relaxed. This is the best vacation evah.
Rick DiPietro: What do you guys think for dinner tonight? Macaroni at Bufflehead's? Or burgers at Rapid Ray's?
Vinny Lecavalier: Let's get the salad bar at 99 and see a movie. Is that one with Richard Gere and Diane Lane out yet? The one where they have sex and nice haircuts?
Spezza: I don't it's out yet. But the one with Ryan Malone and the bad perm should be playing.
DP: I think that's Meg Ryan not Ryan Malone.
Spezza: Whatevs. Fuck it. Let's just see Mamma Mia again.
Vinny: Boo-ya!
A Voice: Ya-boo! Right, guys?
DP: What the--?
(Joe Thornton appears carrying a cooler, beach bag, and chair)
Spezza: Oh boy.
Joe Thornton: Hey guys! How weird is this? Running into each other like this? Weird!
Vinny: This is a... surprise, Joe.
Joe: I know. I'm shocked. When I called your agent to find out where you were summering, I never imagined she'd tell me the truth. And when I asked the realtor to rent me the house next to yours, I didn't actually think you'd be here on the beach attached to it. This is such a coinky dink. May I?
Vinny: Sure. Have a seat.
Joe: That's quite a book there, Rick.
Vinny: Ricky is such a little bookworm. His house looks like the library in Beauty and the Beast!
DP: (singing) "There goes the baker with his tray like always..."
Spezza: Harharharhar! That's youse, Ricky! Youse totally Belle!
Joe: Lauhlaughlaugh. That's right! And you are attractive! Right, guys?
(silence)
Joe: You are attractive.
(silence)
Joe: Attractive.
Vinny: So, what book are you reading this week, Ricky?
DP: Oh, it's just the third book in the Twilight series. I know it's for teenagers, but I just can't put any of these books down.
Joe: Oh yeah, I love those, too. Can't put 'em down.
DP: Really?
Joe: Sure. The Twilights series. So good.
DP: Oh, you read these, too? Tell me, what do you think of Jacob Black?
Joe: Ummm... What do you think of him?
DP: Joe, I gotta tell you, I'm having some issues. I know I'm supposed to like Edward and Bella together, but I have to be honest, I really like Jacob Black so much that it makes me hate Bella a little bit for not being in love with him.
Joe: Yeah, yeah. Me too.
DP: Edward is so brooding and dramatic and annoying. Man, it's like someone just went ahead and put Dion Phaneuf in a book and turned him into a vampire.
Spezza: Turned him into a vampire?
Vinny: Oh, for the millionth time, Dion Phaneuf is not a vampire!
Spezza: We's saw him, Vinny.
Vinny: I'm sure there was a perfectly good reason he was drinking Miikka Kipprusoff's blood that has nothing to do with vampirism.
DP: I don't know why I'm surprised when I don't like the hero. I could never get on board with Todd Wilkins in Sweet Valley High, either. He was such a douche.
Joe: Yeah. Douche.
Spezza: He was no Winston Egbert, that's for sure. Winny was the man.
Joe: So where are the rest of the guys?
Vinny: Well, Taylor Pyatt and Antoine Vermette always go camping in Montana at this time of year. 'Toine gets a lot of writing done. Nature just reinvigorates his poetry. And Py always reorganizes his paper clip collection.
Joe: That... sounds like fun.
Vinny: And Mike Cammalleri and Rick Nash are touring Scandinavia. Cammo is on a culinary tour. And Nasher, of course, is following along checking out the different clog-dancing troupes. Those two. So creative.
Joe: And attractive. Right, guys? You are attractive!
Spezza: Ugh.
DP: So, Joe... what brings you to Maine?
Joe: Oh, I heard it's where all the attractive guys go. Right, guys? You are attr--
Spezza: Right, right. So youse here to pick up guys or something?
Joe: No, silly. Attractive guys stick together. Hang out together. Crump with Rick Nash together.
Spezza: Right. That's true. But what brings you to Maine?
Vinny: Um, Spezzy, I think Joe came here to be part of our little pack. Isn't that sweet of him to want to hang out with us? Spezzy?
Spezza: That's ridiculous, Vincenz. Joe's would never think he could... with us...I mean, come on. Youse tell him, Joe.
Joe: Well, I heard that Brad Richards may have left a vacant spot in the group. I thought that maybe I...
Spezza: No offense, Joe, but Zac Efron wishes he looks like Brad Richards! Youse a nice guy and all, but...
Vinny: What Spezzy is trying to say is that maybe you should try aim a little... or find friends your own... well more like... friends who you'd feel more comfortable around. Maybe friends who look more like you.
Spezza: Maybe Pavel Datsyuk is in the market for some new friends.
DP: And another thing... Why does Bella have to be such a cocktease with Jacob? Always holding his hand, letting put his arm around her, letting him bear hug her. No wonder the poor kid can't imprint with another girl!
Joe: Are you guys saying I'm not attractive?
Vinny: No, no.
Spezza: Yes.
Vinny: We're not saying that. Of course...you have such a wonderful personality. And that counts for so much.
Spezza: With some people. Just not us.
Joe: You guys are so funny.
DP: Ugh. I have to walk away from this book. Anyone want to jetty jump?
Joe: I'd love to! Let's go.
DP: The jetty is that way. We're going to jump off of it. Just be careful you jump far enough away from the rocks. Don't want to break your face on a jetty.
Spezza: Can't get too much worse.
Vinny: Spezzy!
DP: So tell me... don't you think that Bella sends a terrible message to teenage girls about not being able to balance a relationship and friends? Isn't terrible that she devotes herself so feverishly to Edward? Don't you think that's wrong?
Joe: Ummm...