Thursday, July 17, 2008
In our ongoing, grasping, and altogether desperate attempt to convert the SportSquee faithful into football fans, we're presenting a handy-dandy guide to the NFL. We're here to help you decide what team you should be rooting for and just who you should choose to be your football boyfriend. Careful study of our Girls Guide will bolster your street cred with fellow sports fans and your Personal Athlete Fantasy File.
Team: Denver Broncos
Division: AFC West
Notoriety: Young cornerback Darrent Williams was fatally shot and died in teammate Javon Walker's arms on New Year's Eve two years ago. Walker was recently found beaten, unconscious, and robbed in Las Vegas. And WR Brandon Marshall put his arm through his television set this summer, nearly severing the damn thing. And, as Julie pointed out, there's Travis Henry, who has more children than Shawn Kemp and more guns than T.I. So, there's that.
Quarterback(s): Jay Cutler, the ghost of John Elway
Why You Should Root For Them: The Broncos, much like the Seattle Seahawks, always seem to be in the playoff conversation, no matter how they look on paper. Quarterback Jay Cutler (a secret, slightly embarrassing crush of mine) is imminently likable for many reasons, outside of a sick rocket of an arm. He went to Vanderbilt, where he worked with mentally challenged adults. He appeared on Oprah's Big Give. He graciously accepted his lampooning on South Park. And he was recently diagnosed with the 'betes. Type 1, dude. If he can put together a good season, then it could be the feel-good story that ESPN will shove down your gullet for the next year. Expect ad nauseum 'betes coverage throughout the fall. Lastly, watching Coach Mike Shanahan is always a treat. He's all purple-faced with crazy eyebrows and always appears to be having a heart attack in slow motion. He looks like R. Lee Ermey's (the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket) unmedicated younger brother.
Why You Shouldn't Root For Them: Last season they didn't seem all there, even when they weren't spanked by injuries. Shanahan was also the first guy to instate the new, infuriating coaches' habit of calling a timeout the hot second before an opposing kicker's foot touches the ball, knocking said kicker off his game. And the team's treatment of Jake Plummer, a capable stoner-quarterback who was clearly having mental issues over the death of his best friend Pat Tillman, was fairly gross. That they wanted to usher in the Cutler Era was not wrong, but unceremoniously dumping Plummer in the middle of a decent season and talking subsequent shit about him was crass.
Potential Boyfriends: Jay Cutler is obviously spoken for, but there's a TE named Chad Mustard who must be given respect for his awesome, awesome name. And, courtesy of Life As a Redhead, I'm editing this post to include hot, hot bitch John Lynch. Who should really switch names with Chad Mustard.