This Just In: Jets Schedule Announced, ACME Detective Agency Issues Warrant, Rockapella Reunites

The 2008 NFL Schedules have been announced. Apparently the New York Jets had their games picked by none other than Carmen Sandiego. That's right, Gumshoes. The Jets will be trotting the globe in their eternal quest to break the spirit of their fans. And as much as I tried to broker a deal with Roger Goodell, the Jets will still have to play the Patriots. For some reason, he didn't see a reason to put them in the AFC West or NFC South or West. Weird. Here's the breakdown:

Week 1- @ Miami
The Jets get to face both former coach Bill Parcells, now Miami's overlord, and potential Dancing With the Stars winner Jason Taylor. The Dolphins were the essence of crapulence last year. Here's hoping for a repeat.

Week 2- vs. New England
Were you tired of the Spygate stories? Tough. The Student vs. Master thing with Belichick and Mangini? Suck on it. The Perfect Season Interrupted? Well, who could get tired of that?

Week 3- @ San Diego
3,000 miles for a Monday Night Football game. If recent history has taught us anything, the game will be boring. And Tony Kornheiser will make you mute the TV.

Week 4- vs. Arizona
This could end up fun, in a Keystone Kops kind of way. If there is one team that manages sabotage the talent of its players and manage to get their own way more than the Jets, it's the Cardinals.

Week 5- BYE

Week 6- vs. Cincinnati
This game will largely depend on who on the Bengals roster is out of jail at game time. By this point in the season, they could be putting in the seventh-string.


Week 7- @ Oakland
Another 3,000 miles to face the biggest clusterfuck in football. It feels like every off-season, I marvel at how many improvements the Raiders make. And every season they raise their level of ineptitude to staggering heights. However, it'll be fun to see JaMarcus Russell, and LaMont Jordan will do his best to embarrass the his former team. You can never discount the fact that the Jets find new and exciting ways to lose to bad teams.

Week 8- vs. Kansas City
Most Jets fans are over Herm Edwards abandoning the sinking ship while assuring us that he was there to stay. Apparently the schadenfreude of his time with the Chiefs has been consolation enough. Not me. This game will only be worth it if he gets plugged, Jonathan Moxon-style, by a stray pass on the sideline.

Week 9- @ Buffalo
I will not say anything negative about a team coached by Dick Jauron. The fact that the Bills were in the playoff conversation at all last season points to his power over the Dark Arts.

Week 10- vs. St. Louis
Heh. Marc Bulger. Bulger.

Week 11- @ New England
I assume the Pats will have a perfect record by this point. Hopefully the Jets can stay in it long enough to make Belichick sweat at least one cup size away.

Week 12- @Tennessee
500 miles. It will interesting to see if Kevin Maewae poops in Nick Mangold's locker.

Week13- vs. Denver
We all know about my shameful, shameful crush on Jay Cutler. The less said, the better.

Week 14- @ San Fransisco
3,000 miles. I can't make sense of the 49ers. I always think they're going to be so good, with the Nate Clements, and the Alex Smith, and the Frank Gore, and the Vernon Davis. But they never are. Ever.

Week 15- vs. Buffalo
Oh, I hope there will be gratuitous helmetless shots of Paul Posluzny. Especially if JP Losman is still in the LaBeouffing stage.

Week 16- @ Seattle
3,000 more miles. And we can re-evaluate everyone's Hasselbeck Ratio once they're next to the real thing.

Week 17- vs. Miami
A Dolphins sandwich for the 2008 season. I could make a great "when you hunt for Tuna, Dolphins get killed" joke, but I'm a vegan, and it's distasteful.