The Girls Guide to Football: Talking About the Draft

The Draft is on Saturday, which means that the men, and plenty of women in your life will be consumed by Draft Fever for the next few days. Symptoms include wearing goofy Draft Day hats, buying superfluous sports magazines, and religiously listening to Mel Kiper. But to better help you understand what the football fans in your life are talking about, we present the Girls Guide to Talking About the Draft. Here are some points that you should know.

• There are two Longs. Jake is an Offensive Tackle out of Michigan and Chris is a Defensive End out of UVA. The help you remember this just keep in mind that the Dolphins have already spoiled things by reaching a deal with Jake Long, making him the number one pick. And now that he is a Dolphin, he is automatically offensive. Chris Long is the son of Howie Long, whom you may remember from his own Hall of Fame career with the Raiders. Or more likely you remember him as the hot piece with the glasses and flat-top in those Radio Shack commercials with Teri Hatcher in which he admirably never beat her to death with a cell phone. Both guys are studs, but Chris Long is the one who is getting the major BJ service from the media. Expect it to increase to Suri Cruise-level in the coming days now that Jake Long is old news. Plus, there is an outside chance that Chris Long could become a Raider like his pops. If this is the case, expect full Chris Long saturation until the Raiders inevitably crap their pants, despite appearing to make good moves in the off-season.

• Matt Ryan is the most NFL-ready QB in the draft. Boston College Quarterback Matt Ryan is basically this year's Brady Quinn. He's got the Irish-American pedigree, camera-ready mug, and padded stats of Quinn, but he won't tumble in the draft like Quinn did. Quinn's freefall was precipitated by a sizable backlash that had more to do with the rise of JaMarcus Russell and his Notre Dame background. And if the Dolphins weren't so dumb, he never would have fallen that far. Ryan is running as the uncontested top QB in the Draft.

• There will be a lot of trades. As with any draft, there are always trades as the clock winds down. Usually it's draft picks, which is usually boring. But this year could be different. The Kansas City Chiefs just traded their best player, Jared Allen, to the Minnesota Vikings for a higher draft pick. And the Dolphins are making noise that they'd be willing to trade their best player and Mambo King Jason Taylor for draft picks. It could get interesting.

• Darren McFadden + Margee = True Love. Arkansas Razorback Darren McFadden is the man we call "Astroturf Ovechkin." He's a bigger, meaner Adrian Peterson and, like Ovie, he loves to give and take contact on his way to scoring. McFadden has had some issues that have taken some of the shine off of his sterling career. He's been involved in some nightclub altercations and might be someone's Baby Daddy. But, really, who hasn't and who isn't? Besides Chris or Jake Long. Matt Ryan went to BC, there's no way he hasn't thrown down over Madden '07 or whether it's okay to wear white after Labor Day or something. I obviously want him for the Jets so, so badly. Who doesn't want a talent that can defend himself in a club and has vital sperm? The Jets have always had workmanlike players and moderate talents who play above their heads. Run-DMC would give the Jets a raw, explosive talent. A star. But I wouldn't be a Jets fan is I didn't set myself up for grave, grave disappointment.