Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Love in the Time of SportSquee: Dion Hearts Elisha



This comes from SportSquee reader Veronica, via excellent gossip site Lainey Gossip. Cutting a terrifying swath through NHL locker rooms is former 24 tartlet Elisha Cuthbert. Cuthbert actually dated Sean Avery, a relationship which animal behaviorists and forensic scientists are still trying to dissect, is rumored to have trysted with Montreal Canadiens bruiser (and native Long Islander) Mike Komisarek, and is now rumored to be coupled with the Calgary Flames's number one beast, Dion Phaneuf. This pattern makes Cuthbert seem like a Canadian Alyssa Milano, but if you examine her choices, you'll see that she's on an upward trajectory. I mean, she's graduated from the meth-faced "charms" and middling paycheck of Avery, to the strapping good looks and higher pay grade of Komisarek, to the panty-burning glare and 6-year, bajillion-dollar contract of Phaneuf. From here, it's Ovechkin or bust. Let's see how this couple shakes out.

She: Is a mediocre on a good day actress; has a very cute pixie cut; was on 24, which gives her street cred despite the fact that she was the worst thing on it; dated Sean effing Avery, and no cooties shot will ever make her clean; was in Old School, which gives her street cred, despite the fact that she was the worst thing in it-- and Juliette Lewis was in it; is very, very hot

He: Is the best current NHL defenseman whose slap shot has busted through glass multiple times in a week; can glare a hole through a cement wall; was nominated for the Calder alongside hockey messiahs Alex Ovechkin and Cindy Crosby, placing distant third; was caught on camera smoking butts in the dressing room of a stripper club, wearing an aqua tee-shirt; despite all of the excelent fights he's been in, that Ruutu challenge is hard to forget once you've seen it; is very, very hot

They: earn 6 out of 10 Squees. They make an attractive pair, but the taint of Avery means the Dion could do better. And I have just the girl!

8 comments:

HG said...

Whoo! I was a little bit sad that no one was thinking of me during these tough times... Sigh... I guess my letter led him to believe we were on a break.

Bethany said...

LOL, that is too funny, she's becoming a bit of a bunny eh? Poor HG, I feel bad for you.

Heather B. said...

Wait, we're really saying Caveman Dion is a step up from Mike Komisarek? That is so wrong.

Loser Domi said...

@heather b: I would think of that as more of a sideways step, no?

Heather B. said...

domi: Sideways at the most. I personally would consider it a step down but I love Komisarek so I guess I could be biased. (But I don't get Dion at all. He looks ridiculous.)

Margee said...

Well, I think Komi is def cuter, but the Dion has some intangibles that make him slightly more squee-worthy. Like, how utterly terrifying he is. But I was thinking he was a step-up bankroll-wise.

Cat said...

Dion is a total step up money-wise, but Komisarek is SO cute.

Daisy said...

FYI: That wasnt a "stripper club"...it was the Cowboys' staff room in Calgary.