Fly on the Wall: Keeping Up with Lecavalier

It is policy here at SportSquee to have Tampa Bay Lightning star Vincent Lecavalier miked at all times for our Fly on the Wall segments. I mean, we have his home, car, and workplace monitored at all times (which is how be found out about Dan Boyle's overactive bladder). Of course, what began as espionage to hear early cuts off of Rich n' Cavalier's latest album, has become much, much more. Below is a partial transcript of the latest goings-on in Lecavalier's life.

(The phone of Vincent Lecavalier, Tampa Florida)

Vinny Lecavalier: Hey, you're a hard man to get ahold of. I must've left you fifty messages.
Brad Richards: (silence)
VL: Brad? Hello?
BR: Oh, hi...
VL: Vinny. It's Vinny. You know, 6'4", enormous teeth, very attractive. Your best friend in the entire world and truest soulmate.
BR: Right, right. Vinny. How's it going, man?
VL: Well, I'm feeling a lot better, now.
BR: Right.
VL: I mean, I assume you heard about... my little incident.
BR: Yeah. Yeah, I heard about that. You're okay, though, right?
VL: Oh, yeah sure. I'm great. I was a little disappointed, bereft and despaired , even, when you didn't show up to the hospital.
BR: Oh, that. I had such a bad night sleep the night before. I really needed to catch up. You know how much I need my sleep.
VL: Yeah. At least Ricky and Spezz were there. I tell ya, when I woke up and saw Ricky's face, I thought I was dead and he was some kind of angel. He is so attractive.
BR: (yawns)
VL: So, how about you? Is anyone attractive enough to hang out with in Dallas?
BR: Well, Phillipe Boucher is pretty hot, but he's injured. Mike Modano has a certain magnetism, but his wife's kind of lame. Trevor Daley planned their wedding, by the way. I saw the photos, he did a phenomenal job.
VL: So, you're saying there's no one as attractive as me?
BR: I don't know. I've been hanging out with Mike Ribeiro. He's pretty cool.
VL: Ribeiro? The one who played Carlton Banks on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
BR: No. That was Alfonso Ribeiro. I've been hanging out with Mike Ribeiro.
VL: But, Brad, Mike Ribeiro? He's not...
BR: Vance...
VL: Vinny.
BR: Regular people don't pick their friends based on how attractive they are.
VL: Unattractive people don't pick their friends based on how attractive they are. You and I are different. We're attractive.
BR: I have to go, Vance.
VL: Vinny. And you were supposed to say, 'SO attractive.' Wait! Don't hang up.
BR: What?
VL: You got my letter, right? The one I sent to you before... my little incident. The one I wrote the night after you were traded.
BR: (silence)
VL: Brad?
BR: Yes. I got it.
VL: And?
BR: Look... I'm really happy that you're feeling better.
VL: See, I was thinking that once the season is over, I could come down to Dallas and we could hang out...We could do all the things we love to do...
BR: I don't know...
VL: Try on all the different lip glosses at Sephora and not buy any of them...
BR: Vance...
VL: Write songs for our new album...
BR: Vance...
VL: Go to Build-a-Bear Workshop...
BR: Vinny!
VL: Hey, Mister, if you have a better idea, I'd love to hear it.
BR: I'm in the playoff picture, Vinny. I can't talk about this any more.
VL: Oh. Oh, yes. I understand.
BR: Vinny...
VL: No. It's cool. You. Going back to the playoffs. Without me. It's fine.
BR: Vinny...
VL: No. I'm really... I'm really happy for you. I can't wait to see you holding the Cup. Next to Alfonso Ribeiro. It'll be great.
BR: I have to go.
VL: Of course. I-I'll talk to you later.
(dial tone)


(sound of phone dialing)
Rick DiPietro: It's the Rick.
Vinny Lecavalier: Rick-aaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
RD: Vinn-aaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
VL: What is up?
RD: I have terrible hips.
VL: Don't talk like that! You have beautiful hips.
RD: Thanks. But my season's over.
VL: Welcome to my world.
RD: And I was just thinking about you. I was going through my latest Abercrombie catalogue, y'know, searching for cargo pants, and I realized something.
VL: What?
RD: We are sooooo much more attractive than these dudes. You, me, Spezz. It's like, sometimes I forget how attractive we are. And then I remember.
VL: I love remembering.
RD: What's wrong, man? You sound a little down in the mouth. You're not going to have another... little incident, are you?
VL: No. No, I don't think so.
RD: Good. You have to take all of that pain and put it into your album. All great artists take from real life. Eminem. Carly Simon. That wonky-eyed dude from Radiohead. Now that you're a solo artist, you can really invest yourself in the music.
VL: About the album. I'm not sure I'm ready to go solo.
RD: Oh wait, that's Spezz. I'll conference him in.
Jason Spezza: Rick-aaaaaaay!
RD: Spezz-aaaaaaaaaay! You are patched in with a Mister Vinny Lecavalier.
JS: Vinn-aaaaaaay!
VL: Spezz-aaaaaay!
JS: Oh man. I've always wanted a three-way with youse two!
RD: Bwahahahahahaha!
VL: Teeheeheeheehee. You always tell that joke and I always laugh. Because we're on a three-way call. It's so funny.
JS: So what's up with youse two? Did youse see the new Abercrombie catalog?
RD: Did I! Did you see the cargo pants on page 13?
JS: Amazing. Vinny, if youse haven't ordered that gray henley on page 26, I'm ordering it for youse. It should be illegal for anyone else to wear it.
VL: Oh, Spezz. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that today.
RD: Vinny. What's wrong? Spezz always tells you you're attractive.
JS: Youse attractive, Vin.
VL: It's- it's nothing.
JS: Boy, do youse sound down-in-the-mouth. Frowning causes wrinkles. I knew this guy with wrinkles once. He worried too much. Name's Daniel Alfredsson. Ooh-ah!
RD: Bwahahahahahahaha.
VL: Teeheeheeheeheehee.
JS: Now Vinny, tell us what's making youse frown.
VL: I talked to Brad today.
(silence)
VL: He really misses me.
(silence)
VL: Couldn't stop begging to see me. It was sweet, really.
RD: Please tell me you're talking about Brad Lukowich.
JS: Why the hell would anybody talk to Brad Lukowich?
VL: No, sillies, I'm talking about Brad Richards. My best friend.
RD: Vinny, you promised. What did Dr. Feldstein tell you?
VL: What? A guy can't talk to his best friend on the phone and make plans to visit the Build-a-Bear Workshop in Dallas over the summer?
RD: You didn't.
JS: Youse didn't.
VL: You guys, he hasn't made any friends down there. He was so glad to hear from me.
JS: He hasn't made any friends? He and Mike Ribeiro drunk dialed Ray Emery from some strip club in Dallas.
RD: And I heard he's going to be the godfather at Niklas Hagman's daughter's christening.
VL: You guys... I'm sure he's just hanging out with Alfonso Ribeiro because he knows the Fresh Prince. And who wouldn't want to be the godfather for Larry Hagman's baby? J.R. Ewing is the man!
RD: Should I call Dr. Feldstein?
VL: You guys, I'm fine. I mean, sure, I'm a little lonely. And I may not have left my condo since Sunday. And I may be listening to a lot of the Cure right now. But that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything stupid. Like cut my wrists with the Rocket Richard Trophy. I'm so past that now.
RD: I'm booking my flight to Tampa now, Spezz. He can't be alone when he wakes up in the hospital. I'll bring someone ugly with me so he doesn't think he's dead this time. Mats Sundin is available now, right?
JS: Youse don't want him to think he's in hell when he wakes up, either, Rick.
VL: Relax you guys. I'm fine. It was fine. Really. I swear.
JS: Are youse sure?
VL: Totally.
JS: I believe him, Rick.
RD: Then I guess I believe you too, Vin. Now why don't you go take a nice relaxing bubble bath and use the shower pillow Rick Nash got you in the Attractive Kris Kringle.
VL: That sounds nice.
RD: And when you're done, I want you to go through the Lightning Media Guide and pick out a new best friend.
VL: But--
JS: No buts.
RD: I bet there is a line of guys desperate to be your best friend.
VL: (sadly) I bet there isn't.
JS: Of course there is. Youse attractive.
RD: Spezz is right. Youse attractive. Now go get those sparkling grape bath beads and get to it, okay?
VL: Okay. And thanks, guys. Ever since Brad got traded, I guess I've been a little down-in-the-mouth.
JS: Hey. What did I say about wrinkles?
VL: You guys are the best and most attractive friends a guy could have.
RD: Good night, Vin.
(Vinny hangs up)
RD: You hid all the sharp objects when we were there, right?
JS: Yup.
RD: I'm calling Dr. Feldstein.

(Vincent Lecavalier's condominium, Downtown Tampa)
(doorbell)
Vinny Lecavalier: Come on in, Mister.
Shane O'Brien: Thanks, Mr. Lecavalier.
VL: Please, call me Vinny.
SO: Okay. Vinny.
VL: Can I get you a Fresca? Or a Bartles & James if you're feeling a little wild.
SO: Do you have anything else?
VL: No.
SO: Then I'll have a Fresca. Thanks.
(fizz of soda, clank of ice cubes)
VL: You know, Shane. I was just in the bathtub, enjoying some sparkling grape bath beads and Rick Nash's shower pillow, and I thought of you.
SO: Really? Why?
VL: Well, Shane. You're a pretty attractive guy.
SO: What?
VL: You might have heard that what's-his-name... oh, I can barely remember him... Bradley Glenn Richards, was recently traded from the Lightning.
SO: Yes. I remember. I'm on the Lightning.
VL: Of course, you are. So you may have realized that I'm in the market for a new best friend. An attractive best friend.
SO: I never really thought about it, I guess. Maybe I just figured Martin St. Louis was next in line.
VL: Really, him?
SO: I mean you guys do hold each other and sing Journey songs.
VL: That's called 'warming up,' kid. Don't you train?
SO: Sorry, I just figured...
VL: No, Shane. I want YOU to be my new best friend.
SO: Me?
VL: Yes, you. You have all of the qualifications of a good friend. Creamy skin. Flashing blue eyes. Boyish good looks. What more could someone want in a friend?
SO: Geez. I'm flattered. But--
VL: But what? You roll with me and you roll with the most attractive guys in the NHL. Ricky DiPietro. Jason Spezza. Rick Nash. And more. How can you pass on this opportunity?
SO: If I say no, will you have another... little incident?
VL: Dr. Feldstein told Rick DiPietro that it's likely.
SO: Then, yes, I guess.
VL: Excellent.
SO: Can I borrow the shower pillow?
VL: You can certainly use it if you take a bath here.
SO: Why would I---
VL: Oh, you go ahead. I'll leave a fluffy bathrobe outside the door for when you get out. No peeking, I promise. When you're done, we can take a look at the new Abercrombie catalog. And then maybe we can have a three-way with Ricky and Spezz.
(silence)
VL: On the phone. Like, a conference call.
SO: Oh. That's funny. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
VL: Shane I think you're going to fit in just fine.
(from the bathroom)
SO: Why is there a picture of Brad Richards where the mirror should be?
VL: Hey Brad, I mean, Shane. Do you like Build-a-Bear Workshop?
SO: Do I!
VL: (softly) Yes. I think you'll fit in juuuust fine.