NHL 07-08 Squee-View: Washington Capitals

Okay. I'm slightly humbled. It is my job, nay, my raison d'etre to keep you, the SportSquee faithful, abreast of all the riches the sports universe has to offer. And, my friends, I regret that I have ignored the Washington Capitals for this long. Much like my neglect of the New Jersey Devils, it took an intervention from a pair of my Hlog sisters, in this case the lovely CapsChick and Shmee, to shed light on the situation. Because the Caps have major depth in the hotness department. The girls sent me an extensive sampling of pictures and I couldn't even choose! I threw these up because they all look so sultry. And it almost looks as if the Capitals got together and took photos specifically to submit for their Squee-view, right? "Come on Nylander, give us the Blue Steel. We'll need it if we're going to edge Tampa Bay! Oh, Margee's gonna love that chin fuzz, Ovie." You want hot young thing? There's Brian Sutherby and Brooks Laich. Sutherby is a shaggier, swarthier Ryan Getzlaf and Laich is a fairer, less terrifying Dion Phaneuf in the looks department. You want exotic foreigner? Try the dimpled blond pleasures of Viktor Kozlov and the grizzled rubber band that is Olaf Kolzig. Or is a square-jawed hunk more your speed? Or a lanky, highly allergic Masshole? Try Boyd Gordon and Tom Poti. And the Caps are lucky enough to have a Skeleton Key in franchise winger Alex Ovechkin. Ovechkin has an underbite, poor skin, grody hair, and a slaloming nose. But I know of no women who wouldn't pay good money to listen to his Russglish nonsensicals in the sack. There is just an impish charm about the guy. And a spectaular ass that not even puffy hockey shorts can conceal. Yeah, yeah. He's very talented, too. Best goal pure goal scorer in the blah-blah-blah. Just check out the hindquarters if you can. And the Capitals also employ a nominee for SportSquee's Favorite Man Alive. You guessed it. Alexander Semin. You know how much SportSquee loves Semin. When the Capitals play the Islanders, we always get seats down low so we can get a lot of Semin in our face. I mean, there's nothing like a good shot of Semin. He might have a silly haircut right now, but we think Semin is pretty tasty. He's a pretty big guy, and pretty mean, too. So opponents will be getting all the Semin they can handle. And Semin can shoot from everywhere. He's quite good. And if opponents can't swallow all that Semin, they have folk legend "Joe Motzko" to contend with. "Motzko" is known to SportSquee fans as Grace the Norfolk Terrier's favorite hockey player and the man of mystery who neutered Kyle Quincey in the Western Conference finals last year. I'm still not convinced that "Joe Motzko" exists, but I know I can't get enoughof him. As hot as the Caps are, they should be pretty good this season. They finally outfitted Ovie and Olie with an NHL-caliber team. Michael Nylander is a player who makes other players better while remaining in the shadows (and impreganting his wife with many, many children). He was a huge get. Kozlov is good in fits and starts, but he's fairly legit. Tom Poti was a huge grab for the blueline. For my money, Brendan Witt and he were the two most consistent Islander blueliners last year. While Poti is never going to have Nicklas Lidstrom running to protect his Norris trophies, there are no holes in Poti's game. He does everything pretty well, is deceptively fast, and hustles consistently. Great pickup. The '07-08 Caps will be '06-07 Penguins.

MVP: Alex Ovechkin

MVSquee: Alex Ovechkin (imp.)