The Girls Guide to Football: Hot Quarterbacks

Joe Namath, among many other fine accomplishments, invented the modern quarterback. Wait, don't scribble complaint letters quite yet. There were handsome men under center long before Broadway Joe came into the public consciousness. And I'm sure there were cool men, too. But the role of "quarterback," not really the actual football position, but the persona, the shorthand image that the word entails, was invented by Joe Namath. The pro quarterback as an archetype. Steve McQueen in pads. Dropping bombs into the end zone, and then dropping panties at the nightclub. That was Joe Willie. And we owe him our thanks. For no position in any sport has given us such a consistently hot cast of characters. Here are your top ten hottest bitches at the helm.

Editor's note: Unfortunately, Jake Plummer is no longer eligible. Incoming Rookies were considered, but back-ups were not. Neither was Michael Vick, because we are judgmental people who love animals, and our head writer is a bullying vegan.

10. JaMarcus Russell (OAK)
Russell is a big hunk of a guy. His biceps are the size of casaba melons. Plus, he cares about good grooming and pulled off dressing like Father Guido Sarducci at the draft. That's a stud, you guys.

9. Chad Pennington (NYJ)
Did you think I was going to leave my boy off of this list? Pennington has a boyish handsomeness. Boasting skin so creamy, he may never have hit puberty; ginger hair that looks like his mom styled it for Picture Day; and the brown eyes of a baby beagle. You want to pinch his cheeks right before you give him a scritch behind the ears.

8. Carson Palmer (CIN)

This guy just doesn't do it for me. There is something really pleated-shorts-and-docksiders-without-socks about him for me. But many ladies love him. And I know a couple of men who do, too.

7. Tony Romo (DAL)
I'm still on the fence about Romo's hotness. Sure he has the ears of Kowl from She-ra, and beady little eyes. But there is something appealing about him and his smile is infectious. Again, he makes the list because everyone else seems to think he's the bee's knees even if I don't.

6. Vince Young (TEN)
Another boyishly cute guy. Young has a sweet baby face atop a rather strapping body. He's cute in the same way as LeBron James is cute. He's kind of like a pie-eyed Brian McKnight. Watch him in an interview, he furrows his brow, bites his lips and concentrates like a fourth-grader taking a math test. It's precious. And then in the next minute, he seizes control of a game, outmuscles several linemen, and waltzes into the end zone. And that, my friends, is hot.

5. JP Losman (BUF)

Okay, Losman makes me squee so hard I'd pop a blood vessel. Losman is, essentially, a hotter, half-Mexican, and totally baked Adam Sandler in the looks department. Needless to say, that's my favorite recipe. And, you guys, he was a Classics major. Squee!

4. Matt Leinart (ARI)

Don't like the guy. But as Billie Jean would say: fair is fair. He's tall, dark, has excellent hair, and is fertile. He may bear a striking resemblance to Bob the Bachelor and dipped blond slores Kristin Cavallari and Paris Hilton, but you can't argue that Leinart is nice-looking.

3. Tom Brady (NE)

I don't like Tom Brady and Tom Brady doesn't like me. But no man, woman, or child could disagree with the fact that the man is positively blessed in the looks department. His is the kind of face that would make your mother sell the gold out of your teeth at his command. The four-dollar haircut, the butt-chin, somehow it all works. Really the only thing unattractive about him is his choice of girlfriend and the fact that he plays for the Patriots.

2. Brady Quinn (CLE)

If this were a year from now, no doubt the Angel Brady Quinn would be tops. But the Executive Board of SportSquee felt that to bestow such an honor on the boy would be detrimental to both his career and overall hotness. We've documented exactly how beautiful Brady Quinn is, and how comfortable he seems to be in homoerotic settings. You probably don't need to hear it again.

1. Philip Rivers (SD)
When you were a little girl, Philip Rivers is the kind of guy you thought you'd marry (him or Mike Fisher, at least). Tall, strong, sandy hair, milk-fed looks and a pious personal life. There's nothing overly fratty about him (ahem, Carson Palmer), or slick (::cough:: MattLeinart::cough::), or pretty (sorry, Brady Quinn and Tom Brady). Rivers is handsome in an all-American and manly way. Like he keeps in shape by fixing the family tractor and baling hay.