WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Cindy Crosby the French Bulldog's reaction to her daddy winning the Stanley Cup.

Squee-View: Dubious Predictions for Round 2 of the NHL Playoffs

Well, the NHL Conference Quarterfinals are over! And while Boston, Detroit, and Vancouver pissed into the slackened mouths of Montreal, Columbus, and St. Louis respectively, the rest of the matchups were pretty damn exciting. Some series ended in spectacular/odd fashion (the soft last second series-winner on Martin Brodeur, Pittsburgh's mutinous comeback, a series-clincher from Sergei Federov), some were kind of painful to watch (what in the name of Chief Brody is wrong with the fucking Sharks?), and some heralded the arrival of exciting new stars (lo-cal Lucic Dustin Byfuglien, mini-Yzerman Jonathan Toews, Avery-west Alexandre Burrows, actual Lucic Milan Lucic). All in all, the first round was pretty satisfying. Much better than the current Cycle of America's Next Top Model. Yeah, I said it. Teyona is going to win, so we're not bothering with recaps. But we will bother with our useless predictions for the next round of the NHL Playoffs, complete with our looks deep into the SportSquee crystal ball. As with the first round, we are forgoing actual predictions and instead just throwing our least favorite team in the match-up out for the win. This way no one gets hurt. Here is our look into the future.

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins (1) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (6)
Prediction: Hurricanes in 6
Crystal Ball: Rod Brind'Amour and Eric Staal will take two days to fly to the Vancouver set of New Moon to make cameos as werewolves at the request to Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. The roles will require no makeup. Chad Larose will temporarily blind Bruins goalie Tim Thomas with his heavily lashed blue eyes. Patrice Bergeron will score a goal with his nose; his nose will be credited with an unassisted goal. David Krejci will have a severe collision with Ray Whitney, causing their souls to temporarily switch bodies. Zdeno Chara will eat PJ Axelsson.

Pittsburgh Penguins (2) vs. Washington Capitals (4)
Prediction: Penguins in 7
Crystal Ball: Simeon Varlamov will change the pronunciation of his name three more times, deciding it is good luck to aggravate Doc Emrick. Evgeni Malkin and Jordan Staal will poison Tom Poti by rubbing his jock strap with peanut oil. Brooks Laich and Brooks Orpik will discover that they were once conjoined twins separated by apathetic, divorced parents and plastic surgeons at Seattle Medical Center, and later placed with adoptive parents in Saskatchewan and California. Sidney Crosby and Alexnader Ovechkin will end years of growing tension and passionately kiss at center ice before Game 4. It will be Sidney Crosby's first kiss.


Western Conference

Detroit Red Wings (2) vs. Anaheim Ducks (8)
Prediction: Red Wings in 4
Crystal Ball: Scott Niedermayer's face will be 95% beard by the end of the series. Ryan Getzlaf will collect some of the the Niedermayer beard hair from the team's shower drain and fashion a moderately believable toupee from the leavings. Tension will continue to mount between team captain Nicklas Lidstrom and Henrik Zetterberg when a Detroit-area theater opens a production of Mamma Mia!, leaving the locker room divided over their favorites in the ABBA songbook.


Vancouver Canucks (3) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (4)
Prediction: Canucks in 7
Crystal Ball: Patrick Kane will hit puberty at 3:23 in the 3rd Period of Game 4. Those creepy Sedin twins will regularly appear in the hallways of the team hotel dressed in matching sailor dresses and a tape recording of The Shining soundtrack, just to fuck with Kevin Bieksa. Alexandre Burrows and Dustin Byfuglien will each attempt to out-agitate the other with escalating breakdance moves. Roberto Luongo's diarrhea will prevent him from attending team practice, the 2nd Period of Game 3, and his cousin Salvatore's birthday party.

The SportSquee Hall of Fame: Bea Arthur

No, this has nothing to do with sports or squees. But I think we can all agree that the recently departed Bea Arthur deserves to be in every Hall of Fame on Earth. So we're inducting her into ours. She could win for that line in Airheads about "naked pictures of Bea Arthur" being a terrorist request alone. Ms. Arthur, of course, earned her immortality as beleaguered spitfire Dorothy Zbornak on the amazing, always-hilarious-stoned-or-sober The Golden Girls. Arthur had a long and varied career before she ever slipped into Dorothy's shoulder pads, but the show and the character stand as the best evidence of her comedic genius. No one could threaten their mother with imprisonment in Shady Pines Nursing Home, jab a half-wit from St. Olaf, or cut down a randy Southern belle quite like our Bea Arthur. We could start going into her choicest lines on the show, but we'd never stop! And on the page, they wouldn't have the world-weary, biting line-reading that Arthur always brought to each zing. Or the looks. Just the slightest eyebrow raise, grimace, or fist-bite was enough to make you laugh out loud. And the outfits. Oh, the outfits! Who else could rock a popped-collar tunic over a pair of genie pants with chunky slides and gilded arrowhead earrings? Bea Arthur rocked all that, and a wicked array of scrunch-sleeved jackets. The woman was magic. I remember when The Golden Girls first started rerunning on Lifetime, they had this quiz on the website called "Which Golden Girl Are You?" So, fans that we are, my sisters and I took the quiz and each of us was a different one of the gals. Hanrahan was Rose, Fontaine was Blanche, Devon was Sophia, and I was, you guessed it, Dorothy. And I've never been prouder. Thank you, Bea Arthur. As long as The Golden Girls are rerunning, we'll be watching and laughing our caftans off. You will be missed, Pussycat.

Throw Your Bra At: Mark Sanchez

[Insert Dirty Sanchez Joke Here]

As much as I love the NFL Draft, when my best friend Graz offered me a ticket to the recent revival of West Side Story on Broadway, I had to take it. And I had to take some valium to keep me from hopping up on stage during "Cool." So imagine, as I snapped my fingers and dance-fought my way out of the Palace Theatre, checked my phone and saw 32 messages in my Inbox that the New York Jets traded up with the Cleveland Browns to select USC quarterback Mark Sanchez in the NFL Draft. Needless to say, delirium took over. The Jets, as you know from the Brett Favre Debacle of 2008, needed a quarterback. And Sanchez is the safe, steady quarterback that you would want your team to draft if your team had been face raped by Brett Favre. We don't want to put the kibosh on Sanchez by enumerating his many qualities, as SportSquee has a history of doing. But we will congratulate Mark Sanchez for looking like the love child of Mark Consuelos and Steve Guttenberg. And if you think that's a bad thing, you're on the wrong fucking website.

Dear Diary... with P-Mac

Throughout the playoffs, we will be bringing you selected pages from your favorite players and personnel, courtesy of the SportSquee Investigative Unit, the same department that keeps Vinny Lecavalier under 24-hour surveillance/suicide watch. Today, we bring you the deepest thoughts of cueball commentator and rosy fanboy P-Mac.

Dear Diary,

Today ws an exciting day, indeed. Me and the crew were in Philly for the Flyers-Penguins game. I love Philly, man. It's like Hartford, but with more Ben Franklin statues and fewer Gilmore Girls references. Monster city!

I spoke with Sidney Crosby before the game. He smelled so good. Like Twizzlers and Stove Top. I nuzzled his neck for a while to make sure his skin is as soft as I remember. It is. I just wish I could make a coat out of him and wear him around town. Nowhere big. Just to run errands or something. Maybe stop at Tim Horton's and let everybody touch my Sid Coat, make them all jealous. After the playoffs maybe. Anyway, I spoke with Sid and he said a bunch of things while I bounced quarters off his thighs. Man, that kid is a Monster!

Then I talked to John Stevens. It's a good thing there was cold water around, because WHOA! He's so manly, that just standing next to him, I finally grew hair on my chest! I mean, for a coach, that guy Is. A. Monster.

Well, I'd better go. Bill Guerin just teabagged Martin Biron to tie the game up. Not for anything, but that Bill Guerin is a MON....STER!

XOXO,

P-Mac

Squee-view: Dubious Predictions for Round 1 of the NHL Playoffs

The NHL Playoffs are upon us. And while most of you are watching and enjoying games at home with your friends and fellow hockey devotees, some of us are stuck at edit houses where Versus doesn't come with the cable plan, leaving us dependent on listening to NHL Radio on our rapidly dying Mac Books. This year, for our playoff predictions, we've decided to go in a different direction than usual. You see, the Executive Board at SportSquee in choosing a team to root for, always seems to put the kibosh on said team. Our Mets/Jets/Islanders allegiances, for instance. So this year, we've decided to "predict" that the team we like least will win. We're trying to outsmart karma. And that always works out so well for those kids in the Final Destination movies, doesn't it? So here are our "predictions," complete with the visions we've seen in our SportSquee crystal ball.


Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens
Prediction: Canadiens in 5
Storyline: The Mafia will contribute to Montreal's luck. Expect Marc Savard to be shaky in Game 3 when he wakes up with Blades the Bear's head in his bed, courtesy of associates of the brothers Kostitsyn. Mike Komisarek and Chris Higgins will listen to nothing but Billy Joel for the duration of the series, much to the dismay of their teammates.

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers
Prediction: Rangers in 7
Crystal Ball: Henrik Lundqvist will play the kind of hockey that makes you feel like everything is hopeless. And will not become hysterically blind at any time. His hair will remain unfortunate. Wade Redden will hit someone. Once.

New Jersey Devils vs. Carolina Hurricanes
Predictions: Hurricanes in 4
Crystal Ball: Rod Brind'Amour and Eric Staal will inspire their team with daily lockerroom reading from the Twilight trilogy. And that Cam Ward will prove to all the haters who thought he was the dumbest Conn Smythe choice ever (like, ever) that he is the best temporarily-overrated goalie in the game. Ward will forego a glove and opt to catch pucks in his jank teeth without the aid of novacaine to rousing success.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Prediction: Flyers in 7
Crystal Ball: Mike Richards will volunteer to play goalkeeper in addition to his regular forward duties and will post two shutouts. Daniel Briere will hide in Marc-Andre Fleury's pads and score at will, with the Pens goalie none the wiser. All of Briere's goals will be credited to Mike Knuble.


Western Conference

San Jose Sharks vs. Anaheim Ducks
Prediciton: Ducks in 5
Crystal Ball: The tiny people who live in Scott Niedermayer's beard will score the series-ending game winner. Ryan Getzlaf will purchase a toothbrush for the first time. The toothbrush will be used to clean his cup.

Detroit Red Wings vs. Columbus Blue Jackets
Prediction: Detroit in 5
Crystal Ball: Johan Franzen will hide Nicklas Lidstrom's beloved button collection, angering Lidstrom into the performance of a lifetime. The button collection will be restored when Lidstrom and Zetterberg come to blows over its location and their on-going debate over which ABBA song is the best. They will make up after a soul-searching dinner at the Olive Garden.

Vancouver Canucks vs. St. Louis Blues
Prediction: Vancouver in 5
Crystal Ball: Roberto Luongo will have diarrhea before and during every game. He will achieve this on a strict diet of pickles and coffee. It will be Mason Raymond's job to be his bathroom assistant. Those creepy Sedin twins will score three goals apiece without ever touching the puck, using only their Escape From Witch Mountain-like powers of telekinesis.

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Calgary Flames
Prediction: Flames in 7
Crystal Ball: Elisha Cuthbert will sneak into the lineup dressed as Craig Conroy. She'll notch an assist, 12 penalty minutes, including an instigator penalty for tangling with Brent Seabrook. Mike Cammalleri will cater team meals using recipes from his favorite Paula Deen cookbooks and Jarome Iginla will go back for seconds at each meal.

Take Me to the Clouds Above!

I'm asking you if you know about these things...

As you can imagine, the staff at SportSquee had quite the celebration following the Islanders' winning the NHL Draft Lottery. It involved champagne, lampshades, and at least three sexual harassment complaints from the SportSquee interns. Once we sobered up, we realized that the Islanders have the number one pick, and we got knee-walking drunk again. Now that there isa small layover of sobriety before our next toast to the future of the New York Tavareses, ahem, Islanders, we thought we'd craft a small, loving letter to the mythically talented forward. About how much we're going to appreciate and love him once he becomes ours. And how we'll take him to the beach whenever he wants, and show him where the Hollister is in the Roosevelt Field Mall, treat him to lunch at Kitchen Kabaret or a malt at Hildebrandt's whenever he's in the mood, and take him to the bars by Hofstra University to score some easy tail, or the bars by Manhasset High School if that doesn't work. And we were going to tell him about how we're getting ulcers thinking that the Isles will squander the chance to draft you, or that they'll trade you away like Roberto Luongo, or that they'll trade you away like Zdeno Chara, or that they'll trade you away like Jason Spezza, or that they'll squander the chance to draft you. But, as usual, the philosopher Whitney Houston expressed our feelings far better than we ever could. Whitney just knows, man. She just knows.

Theres a boy... (...named John Tavares)
I know, He's the one I dream of (in an Islanders uniform)
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above (or the playoffs one day, hopefully)
Ooh I lose control, can't seem to get enough (squee!)
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love (and that the Islanders will take you)

Chorus:
How will I know (don't trust your feelings) (because the Islanders will find some way to screw this up!)
How will I know
How will I know (love can be deceiving) (because you could end up like Rick DiPietro) How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat (a prayer to make you an Islander)
I fall in love whenever we meet (on YouTube)
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if hes thinking of me (does he want to be an Islander??)
I try to phone (Garth Snow, to remind him to pick you)
But I'm too shy (cant speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet (when you're an Islanders fan especially)
This love is strong why do I feel weak (I feel weak because I'm still an Islanders fan after all they've put me through, duh)
Oh, wake me,
I'm shaking, wish I had you near me now (at the Nassau Coliseum, under protective custody)
Said theres no mistaking, what I feel is really love (please be an Islander!)
Chorus

Throw Your Bra At: Nick Swisher

Swisher!

You know that SportSquee doesn't make a habit of complimenting players on the Yankees. Even athletes we've praised before while on other teams. But even though our relationship with Nick Swisher has changed as a result of his current status as a Yankee, we still have to love the chipmunk-cheeked bastard. Plus, the Yankees lost, so that softens it a little. Anyway, new Yankees first baseman Nick Swisher, he of the name that sounds like a hygienic application, had a banner game last night. In a (delightful) drubbing at the hands of the Tampa Bay Rays, Swisher was 2-3 with a Home Run. And then, as the game spun out of control and the score ballooned to 15-5, Swisher took the mound in the eighth (no, that is not a euphemism associated with our definition of a Nick Swisher), and pitched! And struck someone out! Grinning! With his chipmunk cheeks! Chien-Ming Wang, previously the Yankees most steady pitcher, pitched one inning and earned 8 runs. Swisher pitched one inning, and was scoreless. Swisher outpitched Wang! It's schaedenfreude and Swisherfreude all rolled into one! Cough up a Playtex, girls. It's for Nick Swisher, not the Yankees. They lost 15-5. But Nick Swisher won us over. Nick Swisher! Swisher!

The SportSquee Top Ten: Baseball Names That Sound Like Something Dirty, Part Deux

Baseball is back! Yay? We mean, YAY! How exciting! Enthusiastic applause. You may not have realized of course, because my ass is currently in an edit room 15 hours a day, ye olde Powerbook is on the fritz, and we've been hard at work on our Girls Guides for our bro from another ho, Puck Daddy on Yahoo! Sports (where a few commenters are currently chewing my nuts off, including one fuckwit who keeps recycling the same "teeheehee, I'm just a girl!" joke. Man, I wish there was a kitchen I could go back to! I'm such a puck bunny I really should be kept indoors!). So, we haven't had time to write any Squee-views or Girls Guides for the 2009 Baseball Season. We thought we'd honor the start of baseball by doing what we do best: being really dirty. Here is the sequel to our list of our favorite Baseball Names That Sound Like Something Dirty.

10. Nick Swisher (NYY)
A hygienic flushing system.
"Sandy, we all get that not-so-fresh feeling sometimes. But that's what a Nick Swisher is for."

9. J.J. Hardy (MIL)
An erection.
"So he stood up to give his dissertation on geopolitics and I noticed he was sporting a J.J. Hardy that almost knocked over the podium. Pleated khakis sold him out."

8. Mark Buehrle (CHW)
A large-sized prophylactic.
"We need to go to Walgreen's, they don't sell Mark Buehrles at 7-11, they don't have the shelf space."

7. Tim Lincecum (SF)
Somewhat obscure part of the male anatomy.
"His Tim Lincecum was pierced. I know! I didn't think you could pierce that either, but it looked painful."

6. Aubrey Huff (BAL)
A seismic orgasm.
"That piercing in his Tim Lincecum gave me the most incredible Aubrey Huff I've ever had."

5. Ronnie Belliard (WAS)
Suspected sex offender.
"That guy in the Members-Only jacket is eyeing us like some kind of Ronnie Belliard. Cover your drink when we walk past."

4. Shin-Soo Choo (CLE)
An acrobatic position for intimate congress.
"Ted dropped me while we were trying it Shin-Soo Choo. Look at this bruise."

3. Dan Uggla (FLA)
Person one will not admit to having past relations with.
"Deny it all you want, but I saw that Dan Uggla slithering out of your room this morning in the same clothes he wore last night. You must feel So Taguchi about it."

2. Brad Penny (BOS)
A man who is not well-endowed.
"Come on, he's so obnoxious you just know he has a Brad Penny. It's so obvi."

1. Kosuke Fukudome (CHC)
Mail-order apparatus that enhances intimate congress.
"So, Brad broke up with me, but I have pictures of him strapped into our Kosuke Fukudome that I'm going to put on Facebook for revenge."

Throw Your Bra At: The New York Islanders

At last, the New York Islanders' season has come to a merciful end. And dammit. They came in last. And I couldn't be prouder. Now my beloved Isles will be guaranteed the most desirable of picks in this year's draft. Meaning, barring some swaps and trades, that either John Tavares or Victor Hedman will be trolling the sewage-scented halls of the Nassau Coliseum in the orange and blue. I can't wait for whichever one they pick to become a storied bust or for the moment the chosen one is traded for a brash, Boston-baked, injury-prone goaltender somewhere down the line on his way to eventual greatness with another team. But there were a few actual bright spots to the Isles' season. Mark Streit was pretty good. Jeff Tambellini didn't get publicly yelled at a whole lot. And Blake Comeau and Kyle Okposo, who share a lot of vowels between them, both steadily improved throughout the season. They occasionally showed flashes of the kind of brilliance and franchise leadership that the Isles are usually too-eager to trade away. They're going to be good. And... fuck it. It's a rebuilding year/decade, right? We're looking to the future. Yeah, that's it. The future. When we ride hovercrafts to the Mausoleum and Biff is married to Lorraine McFly. The Isles are going to be stellar then, let me tell you. In the meantime, I'm tossing a bra, a old, low-on-the-rotation cotton one, to the Islanders. Congratulations on a season well-done. Because it's, well, done. And we're hard at work in the SportSquee Bunker thinking of nicknames for John Tavares. Tavares-zilla... Tavs-manian Devil...Tavaresdiculous...